When Your Role No Longer Fits: How To Uncover Your Strengths To Make A Dramatic Change

on this episode

Have you ever had a role that had one focus and then morphed into something else over time? The role fits your resume and past experience, but when you realize that it doesn’t really fit you and your strengths any longer, what do you do? 

In less than 2 years, Nick’s customer service role began to change to be more of a sales role – which did not fit him. He explains how he went from uncovering his strengths, to making connections and having conversations to learn what roles could fit him, and finally landing a role that actually plays to his strengths.

What you’ll learn

  • What you can do when your role no longer fits you
  • How to change to completely different career, without starting all over again
  • The importance of informational interviews to find out what the possible ideal roles are for you
  • How identifying your strengths and wants, can give you clarity and control

Success Stories

“It’s hard to find something that fits, that’s why so many people change careers. When I finally understood my strengths and how I could apply them it all made sense. It just made it easier to see what types of jobs and roles would fit me. In my new career I get to do the marketing that I love with a company I’m excited about.”

Kirby Verceles, Sales & Marketing Director

I’ve been offered the job! It was great having the opportunity to speak with you prior to my interview. It enabled me to highlight my strengths as part of the conversation and I was able to be clear about my enthusiasm for opportunities to be proactive versus reactive. I also highlighted my desire to provide positive individual experiences. Our discussion not only assisted me in the interview but it also helped to increase my confidence!

Bree Hunter, Project Officer, Australia

All the stars aligned and I ended up finding the right thing at the right place at the right time, and it was you guys! Everything that you said was speaking to me and the things that you had done in the job that you had transitioned out of and into. Also how finding work that you love is your passion for people! Honestly, it was you Scott, I mean, the way that you talked about it, how passionate you were, I was like, there's no way he's gonna put out a faulty product. So I'm gonna try it, you know… I recommend you to all my friends, you know, even if they don't realize that they're looking for a new job, I'm like this is the first step, let's do this! Even if you maybe don't move out of this career. This is going to help!

Maggie Romanovich, Director of Learning and Development, United States/Canada

Scott has been a tremendous help in bringing focus to my business. Scott enlightened my path towards concentrating on my strengths and doing what I love. I recommend Scott Anthony Barlow to anyone who wants clarity about what they should be doing, and the next step to make your business successful.

Jody Maberry, Began Copywriting & Marketing Business, United States/Canada

Nick Neves 00:01

I've kind of honed in on accounting and really matched up with a lot of my strengths. You know, I like the structure, I like working with numbers, all that stuff, you know, I like routine. So going off of that, I trust in my strengths and saying, "Okay, I think this is a good place to start" and kind of pursue that. That was a main role that I was really looking at. As I went along, I realized I had to do a slight pivot.

Introduction 00:26

This is the Happen To Your Career podcast, with Scott Anthony Barlow. We help you stop doing work that doesn't fit you, figure out what does and make it happen. We help you define the work that's unapologetically you, and then go get it. If you're ready to make a change, keep listening. Here's Scott. Here's Scott. Here's Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 00:50

A long time ago, I used to work for Target. And I did Human Resource Management and Leadership for Target. And it was a pretty wonderful opportunity. I loved the company, they took great care of me, much of the leadership training that I got and have to this day, came from Target putting time and money and effort into me. So I'm forever appreciative of that. Also, at the same time, I was working for them. And they decided that they wanted to move their HR that supported stores more and more and more into the stores and more into the standard retail environment. Now, that was exactly the right decision for them. But it really wasn't that great for me, to be honest. And that's something that I have seen over and over and over again, where people go through, they get a job, it's amazing opportunity. And then the company changes or evolves into something else. And it's no longer amazing. It's not even awesome. It's the opposite of that. That happens.

Nick Neves 02:10

I was in a job working in customer success, which for those who don't know, it's kind of like customer support, with like a little bit of sales mixed in. And I was doing this job, it was kind of morphing more into a sales role. There's a lot of pressure to kind of move into, like a sales type role, which is just not for me.

Scott Anthony Barlow 02:28

That's Nick. In less than two years[a], his Customer Success role began to change to, well, being almost all a sales role. And as it began to uncover his strengths and define what he really wanted in life, he knew that he had to make a change. But how do you move from a role that's no longer ideal to one that actually uses your strengths? Alright, well, spoiler alert, Nick does a really nice job of this. And as you heard in the introduction, he actually transitions to accounting. And I want you to listen for how that took place, how that actually happened. But let's start out with Nick explaining here, how he went from uncovering the strengths to making connections and having conversations to learn what roles could fit him and finally, landing in a role that does play to his strengths.

Nick Neves 03:18

I was in a job working in customer success, which for those who don't know, it's kind of like customer support, with like a little bit of sales mixed in. And I was doing this job, it was kind of morphing more into a sales role. There's a lot of pressure to kind of move into, like a sales type role, which is just not for me.

Scott Anthony Barlow 03:35

Why is that? I'm super curious.

Nick Neves 03:37

My own personality, I don't think, you know, I'm more of an introverted kind of behind the scenes, analytical thinker. I like doing more the operational stuff versus, you know, just hammering phones all day, filling your day with talking to people, you know, I didn't want the success of my job to be determined by things that just I didn't want to do, or I wasn't come for with with. That's why I, you know, this isn't sustainable for me. And there was a, you know, a couple other things too, with just the way the company was, the culture, you know, there's a multitude of different reasons, but that was the biggest reason for me, it just did not feel like the right fit. Even it was confirmed with meetings with my manager, kind of yearly reviews and things like that. She's like, "You're a great team player, people love you on the team, but like really need you to be more, you know, like this person" and compared me to like our top salesperson, I'm like, I will never be like that person ever. So I was like, if they want me to be this type of person, then they hire the wrong person. And that I was okay with that. Because at first when I was doing the job, I was... my confidence took it and I definitely, that resonated with, you know, a lot of your previous podcast guests, I heard you talk about that. And I was like, I totally understand, you know, where they're coming from, where you think you're just not doing a good job and all that. And you realize, okay, it's really, you know, this isn't working out and I could totally excel with doing something that's more of a natural fit. So that's where I started, I was in customer success, and then ultimately led me to working in finance so I can kind of get into the transition of that because I know it's kind of complete one.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:01

Well, let me ask you first about that stage where you were in this customer success type role, and clearly it was outside of your, not just comfort zone, but also, in many ways, it is requiring you to be a ton of who you are not and also didn't want to be. But I think as you mentioned, so many people will be in that situation, and they will say, "I should be able to do this or I..." they end up beating up on themselves in one way or another.

Nick Neves 05:31

Exactly.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:32

And impacts confidence. So what allowed you to get to the point where you realize that you were okay with it, because I also heard you say, "Hey, I was okay with that at some point." But what took place for you to get to that point where you realize, look, it's just a wrong fit.

Nick Neves 05:45

Yeah, that's a great, you know, great question. And just, you know, put myself back into that scenario, right. And that's exactly how I felt first, I was in the job for maybe two to three years[b], first year, I've definitely beat myself up, you know, thinking I'm not doing a good job here. You know, that feeling continued. But I think the turning point was when I started really sitting down and putting in the time and effort to figure out what why this wasn't a good fit. You know, I took, initially, before I found Happen To Your Career, I took, you know, the Myers Briggs test, which was super helpful. Pairing that with the personality test, the strength test that you guys do as well. And then, you know, I ultimately stumbled upon you guys. And in some of the eight day mini course, and all that stuff that was... that free exercise, kind of, put everything into perspective for me. It made me realize, like, you know, there are strengths and weaknesses to a person. And sometimes it's just a square peg in a round hole, right. And that just slowly, it wasn't like an overnight thing, right? It definitely took some weeks to kind of figure that out. And then, you know, as I continued with the job, like I said, you know, had those meetings with my manager, was telling me, "Why you become this person?" I knew I wasn't going to become that person. So that's when it really clicked for me. And I was just like, "Okay, I should be able to do a different job. And even further along, through the career change bootcamp program, you know, you always have a little bit of doubt here and there as you're going through, right, especially at the beginning, but as I did the interviewing process of other people, in other roles, departments that I was interested in, and I would ask them, like, what does a successful person look like in this role, what personality traits fit a type of person in this role that confirms to me that I am moving in the right direction and looking for the right jobs, and I can be successful and build my confidence back up.

Scott Anthony Barlow 07:23

Let me ask you about that just for a little bit of background for everyone else, you know, one of the things that we'll often do is help people design many experiments, where you sometimes are having conversations, and I think that's probably the part that you're referring to, where you're looking at a variety of different roles and trying to confirm that those might be potentially a direction for you. So what were some of those roles that you were looking at, that you were talking to people about at the time? Just curious

Nick Neves 07:51

It started off very broadly, but then eventually got a little more itch. I actually connected with someone else who is in the program, actually, and he worked in accounting previously. And turns out, we had a lot of the same strengths. So I was like, he'd probably be a great person to talk to, get a perspective on, you know, using the job, he has the same strengths, would it be a good fit for me, I kind of honed in on accounting, and really matched up with a lot of my strengths. And I like the structure. I like working with numbers, all that stuff, you know, I like routine. So going off of that I trust in my strengths and saying, "Okay, I think this is a good place to start" and kind of pursued that. That was a main rule that I was really looking at, as I went along, I realized I had to do a slight pivot where, you know, accounting, it's tough to get into if you don't have the degree and all that stuff. So I was kind of hitting roadblocks there. But I was able to find a way to kind of get my foot in the door, almost like a stepping stone into accounting, which is the role man now[c], which is called order operations. It's got a lot of different names in different companies that basically you're the middleman between sales and accounting and finance. So it was great, you know, fit my background working in sales and customer support. But I'm kind of moving away to a different side of the house that I want to move into. You know, so our long winded question probably went off topic there twice.

Scott Anthony Barlow 09:03

This is great, because a couple things that aren't always obvious when we talk about these types of transitions, because you've done a great job making this type of pivot. And I think so many people would not even realize that it's possible to make that severe of a change, I'm gonna call that severe for just a second, severe in the best possible way. If your sounds sometimes like a negative word, but I mean, in a really, really positive way that different that almost 180 type of a change. And one of the ways that you have found to do that is by heavily leveraging, not just your strengths, but also your past experiences too. And I think that gets so undervalued as a portion of this process, because I think so many people hear these types of podcasts or they recognize the need to do something different. And then think, well, I need to make this 190 type of change. I'm going to be a scuba diver or something like that. Like it's gonna be that drastic change in one way or another and that tendency is to say, "Okay, I'm going to, like, magic it to happen." And that's not how it works in reality. And in reality, it happens much more like you have done where we are heavily leveraging those things that you're bringing to the table. In this case, you had some amazing experiences in both sales, even though that's not what you wanted to do forever, but also customer success. And also a lot of the pieces that come along with that the skill sets that come along with that, too. And so, one really nice job into. What were you gonna say?

Nick Neves 10:34

Thank you. No, I was just gonna say before I forget, that really reminds me of and I didn't really realize it at the time, like you said, you're making that big change, and you're like, I don't even know if I have the transferable skills, or all that. Number one, I help talking to people to figure out what are the transferable skills, you know. The interview is huge, it was so helpful, just to get a sense of everything, you know, to actually talk to people in the jobs, it makes you realize, okay, you know, if you're just looking at job descriptions all day, you know, it gets kind of just monotonous. And you can kind of hit a wall there. So for me, it was... I was really able to figure out, "Okay, I don't have the accounting background, but I definitely have transferable skills, work with Excel a ton, and I've done process improvements, which is big in that field in my job, that's what I enjoyed doing that. So once you started talking to people, you realize, okay, this is a little more doable than I thought and Mo was beyond helpful in helping me kind of reshape my resume, reshape my cover letters, all that. And I actually ended up getting a lot of... Yeah, sorry, my coach Mo, he, you know, I ended up getting a lot of compliments from people, even if I didn't end up getting the job, they were like, you know, your resume looks like an accounting resume, I'm surprised you haven't had an experience in that field. So that was just a good confirmation there that, you know, I was doing it the right way. And, you know, it ultimately worked out.

Scott Anthony Barlow 11:49

That is awesome. I want to dig into a few of those pieces here for just a minute because it did ultimately work out when we're talking about like nine plus months[d] or so of work, to make it ultimately work out. And, you know, you mentioned some of those conversations that you were having very often, you know, when we think about making a change, depending on what people decide, they need is what is most valuable to them, you know what their goal is, and making this change that can often dictate whether you focus on roles first, or whether you focus on organizations or environments first. For you, it was much more about roles. And so you started having some of those conversations. But I'm curious, can you describe a couple of those conversations and what those actually looked like, what led up to them, how you got to chat with a couple of those people and what even talked about during some of those conversations?

Nick Neves 12:39

Going back, I definitely remember struggling with the roles versus organizations debacle. And I thought, well, maybe I could do both, I can look for roles within industries that are interesting to me, you know, I was looking, I'm a big sports fan, you know, I love golf. So there's a couple, you know, golf manufacturing companies and sports manufacturing companies around Boston, I was looking at those. And I ultimately decided that, for me, I think the role was just more important just because maybe it was the nature of the job itself, like with accounting and finance are, kind of, just you're doing accounting and finance in the back office, and it's kind of just that, right? I think if someone was moving into, like, customer success, or something else like that, where you're, kind of, on the front lines of the industry, you might look for companies and put an emphasis on that. So I think it really depends on the role. So for me through conversations with people, it didn't really seem like it was that different industry to industry, I didn't want to move to, like, a massive company. But in terms of, like, the industry, I was like, I'm kind of industry agnostic at this point. I kind of started there, figured that out. And like I said, talking to other people through the informational interviews, you know, kind of opened that up, and even also doing some meetings with Phillip, one of the other coaches, even though he wasn't my assigned coach, he set up what I think were called accountability groups at the time. I don't know if you guys are calling him from different now. But being able to talk to him and other people who were going through the career change process on the call, we were able to bounce ideas back and forth when I would explain to them hey, I'm kind of struggling with this. Do I go with companies roles? Do I focus on industry? So they were able to kind of help me talk through that, ultimately decided that, you know, roles was kind of the way to go for me. So that was another helpful thing too, is to have, not only my coach Mo, but also just the community itself is very helpful.

Scott Anthony Barlow 14:26

That's amazing. It makes me really happy for so many different reasons. I think it's probably useful to acknowledge here that this progression, I'm going to call it a progression, is always so much easier when you're looking backwards. You and I were chatting at the very beginning of our conversation, I think before we even hit the record button about how you were trying to get yourself back into the mindset of what life was like, you know, a year ago[e] at this time when you were starting to really think about making this change and starting to really move on that. But it's been a year since that point in time and it was definitely no small amount of work and one of the things that I heard you say earlier was, "Hey, I had a conversation with another person who was working with HTYC. And they had a past background in accounting. And that's what led to me affirming that this could be something that I take a really close look at. And then that led to other conversations that you had where you were taking tidbits away for different types of roles, which led to the next thing, which led to the next thing, which led to the next thing. And ultimately, only then after nine months[f] of breadcrumbs, if you want to call it that, following each of those little bit breadcrumbs led to the actual opportunity. So the question that I wanted to ask you there is, that's a lot of different pieces to be able to make this happen for yourself, and you've done a great job with that. But what were some of the hardest parts of that process for you?

Nick Neves 15:52

I would say what definitely helped me was the whole structure of it, you know, having the modules to go through, you kind of had a look ahead, you knew what to expect, I mean, not totally knew what to expect in terms of the program and what you were going to be working on. So I really liked the structure. So I'd recommend people if you like having that structure, it definitely helps. But the parts where I, you know, it sounds like it was a seamless transition, right. And now I'm here a year later[g] whom I have a new job. But I'd say that, you know, the hardest parts were, you know, like we discussed before, grappling with the... where do I even focus on, do I focus on roles, or focus on industries? Do I focus on companies like, you know, some people might be looking to move and they just don't care about location, that throws a whole nother wrench into everything. So I think the way you guys do it, we're, you know, kind of talked about building that frame, right, and putting the pieces of puzzle together. Another thing too, that was really helpful was building out your kind of life profile, if you will. So you kind of put like parameters around what you're looking for, to make everything kind of less daunting, right. So you kind of have indicators or parameters, you know, of what you want to look for. So you're not casting such a wide net, that you're overwhelmed. So that, at first, it was overwhelming, but it was able to kind of hone in from there. And then, you know, I think a little bit further down the road once, you know, I started interviewing and all of that, that's, you know, you deal with rejection a lot, too. You know, you don't always get, you know, you don't always get... you feel like you found a really good fit. And you made a really good case of why you should, you know, why you're able to make this change and why you fit in the know, you know, you might not have the traditional background and you do everything you can and you might not get the job. So...

Scott Anthony Barlow 17:31

Were there an example of where that happened for you?

Nick Neves 17:33

Yeah, a couple thoughts, you know, there was kind of some entry level accounting jobs where, you know, I was able to network my way into those jobs. So way more effective, I think, than just going on job boards, right. So I was like, I already have and in here[h]. And that person, whether they're just being polite, or whatever, maybe they think you're a great fit, and they pass along your resume, you know, I worked with my coach Mo, super helpful in helping me build my resume, tailor it to each and every job that I was doing, tailoring my interview prep and my cover letters and all that stuff. That's all super prepared, and very confident that I would at least get a call back, you know, for a lot of the jobs, right? A lot of them I did, which, looking back, it's like, well, you're moving into a totally new field where you don't have accounting degrees and all that stuff. So you know, I get it, but I'm...

Scott Anthony Barlow 18:22

Well, I think that there's another element there too. I would argue that that actually worked out so much better for you. Even the rejection sucks, like that is a... where you ended up, at least from the outside looking in, appears to be a far better match than starting in, you know, beginning accounting, because you bring a lot more to the table, you have so much more experience and skill sets than just starting from the beginning. So...

Nick Neves 18:48

Yeah, absolutely.

Scott Anthony Barlow 18:49

That actually is allowing the process to work even though it doesn't always feel good in the moment.

Nick Neves 18:54

Yeah, and I think at the time, I don't even know the job and now was a job. So, you know, I was really just searching for kind of those entry level accounting jobs, like, maybe I'll have to take a pay cut, I really don't want to. There's other kind of entry level accounting jobs that a lot of people were frequently recommending, you know, accounts payable, accounts receivable, just stuff like that. And I was like, I would be willing to kind of grind it out and do those jobs. But it's part of my life profile, if you will, was that I wanted to be making the same amount of money or more, which is kind of, you know, if you're going to put in the effort to go through this whole career change process, you want to be able to have that kind of same salary. So especially in Boston, where things are pricey. Sorry, I'm losing my train of thought here. But yeah, I didn't even know that was a job. Through my conversations with people, I found out that, hey, this could be a good fit to kind of make that transition. So again, like talking to people and networking, even though it can be uncomfortable at times, people were way friendlier than I was expecting even just random people on one day and I was stalking so many people on LinkedIn, sending so many messages, and a lot of people did respond were super helpful, you know, I'd never met them before. We want to jump on the phone and, you know, being able to do all that while working remotely was definitely helpful. But yeah, definitely recommend reaching out to people as much as you can, if you're going through the process.

Scott Anthony Barlow 20:09

What did you find was very effective for you personally, which might not be effective for everybody. But in your situation, what did you find was really effective as you were reaching out to people and having those conversations, particularly in the conversations themselves, what advice would you give people that worked well for you?

Nick Neves 20:31

Yeah, I would say, at first, it's... especially when you're finding companies, whether there are open jobs that you want to apply to, your like, you're very excited to try and get your foot in the door and apply those right away, right. And I did a bad job of this at first where I was reaching out to people saying, like, "Hey, I saw there's an open job here, I'm interested in it. Would love to kind of learn more about it." That just reeks of like, hey, like, get this job for me, right. But when I was reaching out to people, and this was another testament to Mo, he was really kind of nudged me in the right direction here, where he was saying, you know, treat him more as like, I want to learn about your experience, and really just have a conversation. That people are more willing to open up and talk about that than just help a random person who's trying to use them and wants to just get a job. I think eventually, the conversation ultimately kind of leads that way, which is nice. But it shouldn't start that way, especially in the beginning, when I really was just doing informational interviews, just to learn about different jobs, you, kind of, you're building your network as you go anyway. So you can always go back to those people to see openings, it makes it a little easier to reach out and apply to those jobs.

Scott Anthony Barlow 21:34

That's so interesting, the point that you made about if you are just pursuing a job, often that is a turn off, where if you are genuinely interested in the other person to learn about it, then that very often leads to opportunities. The hard part about that, though, I think, for so many people is you can't fake that. Like when you get into that conversation, like everyone has a bowl, you know, we've got like bs meters that are going to go off like crazy, it's like, "This dude just wants a job like, I'm done with this."

Nick Neves 22:08

Yeah, I think that you're right, that is a tough thing to kind of fake. For me, I was just enjoying the process, and really just enjoying talking to people and everyone had a different perspective on things. And I always learned something from every conversation that I had. So for me, I was excited to talk these people, and great if I could steer it in the direction I want to go in all the better. But you know, I think at the very least you still learn some things that you can pick up along the way. So it's, kind of, that was able to help me kind of get in that mindset.

Scott Anthony Barlow 22:36

Very cool. Okay, so let me ask you this, if you had to go back and make this change again, is there anything that you would do differently in the process for yourself?

Nick Neves 22:49

Oh, that's a good question. I'm not totally sure. Maybe at the time when I was, kind of, looking for different roles, different opportunities, like maybe I left some different jobs or roles that are on the table, that could have been a really good fit, I kind of you know, I wanted to become laser focused on one role. And that's just me personally. So I was like, okay, accounting looks good, it may not be perfect, but I think it matches a lot of the skill sets and strengths that I have, it matches my life profile, like I just checked all the boxes, like, I'm just gonna go with it and look for this job. Like some people, maybe you can look at multiple different roles or job fields at once. So maybe I left something that was a really good fit. And maybe I just didn't see it. But I remember having this conversation with my coach, too, at the time where I was worried about missing something. And eventually, you just got to move forward with something, right? You can't just have paralysis by analysis, which is definitely something that I suffer from at times. So I had to realize that and that's another opportunity where my coach helped me out, you know, maybe that's a regret. But also, I wouldn't get too bogged down by that stuff, because that could really stonewall your efforts to move forward.

Scott Anthony Barlow 23:58

What do you feel like are and now that we're on the other end of this, and you have different perspective, because a year ago[i], at this time, we had talked about you were in probably far less healthy place mentally, because the role and what was expected of you was such a not great fit, such opposite of alignment in some very specific ways. But now that you are in a better fit, what would you describe as the differences for people?

Nick Neves 24:31

The biggest difference is, if this job really matches, you know, what I'm looking for in a working environment. You know, I don't want to be inundated with meetings all day and you know, having to be on all the time socially. Like I said, I'm more of an introverted person. So for me kind of being heads down in your work, doing kind of all the behind the scenes work is really what I preferred. So that's a big change and being able to, you know, the things that I felt like I was good at just wasn't being recognized my own job. Like I said, I was doing some process improvements and things like that just to kind of boost efficiency and all that. And there was like an operational side of the job. And then it was a client facing side of the job. And I really gravitated towards the operational side and felt like I did a good job of improving that part of the job and all that, but that wasn't being recognized as vital to the job or bringing success to it. So...

Scott Anthony Barlow 25:21

It sounds like the emphasis was on the client facing side that the... and that's really what that organization or that set of people needed in one way or another.

Nick Neves 25:29

Exactly. And now I'm able to kind of focus on those strengths with my new job. I didn't know all this stuff at the time, but definitely taking the strengths tests and all that stuff really helped me... 'cuz you think you really know what you're good at, and maybe what you don't like and all that. But taking the strength test through you guys really helped me put everything into perspective and put it into words. And, you know, one thing that I really enjoyed about the process was you take the strength test, and then you go through and kind of highlight things that stands out to you. So that's really what helped me hone in on accounting in the first place is highlighting some of the words like reliability, routine, all these different things that stood out to me, like, you know, I enjoy that aspect of the job. And I feel like I'd be good at it. That was very helpful. Because again, that's also kind of a daunting thing, too, is like, okay, now I have this strength stats, but it's like not spitting out a job for me, right, I gotta go ahead and kind of match that to what to look for. So that process was super helpful too.

Scott Anthony Barlow 26:21

You know, what's really interesting, though, is a year later, you can now easily articulate what it is that you need. And I think that's such a cool thing, because you're going to be able to continue to build on that for the rest of your life. Where, you know, I asked you and just off the cuff at the beginning of this, you're like, "Well, you know, here's what I wasn't getting, here's now what I need, I needed this routine, I am more of an introvert and I need ABCD and E" and you can just rattle that off now. And I think that that is a testament, that doesn't just happen through the process. Yes, we have that built into our particular process for career change. However, it takes a lot of work from you, and understanding about yourself to be able to get to the point where now your later, it's just like, "Oh, yeah! Obviously, here's what I need: boom, boom, boom, boom, boom." So that's super cool, because I know what goes into that. But I think out there that you made the point of is, you first have to be able to do that and be able to recognize it in a way that you can articulate it to other people or the outside world. Otherwise, the opportunities that come much later on just simply don't happen. If you don't get to step one, you don't get step seven.

Nick Neves 27:29

Yeah, for sure. It wasn't like you said, it wasn't an overnight thing. It definitely took some practice on my part, some kind of discipline to put in the time and work to figure all this stuff out. Determine, you know, be able to articulate it the way where I can now, and again, Mo is super helpful going through almost like roleplay, if you will, where you can kind of talk through what's so bad at it at first, but put into practice with his help. And, you know, with the structured strength tests, and you know, profiles and modules that you guys have, it was just helpful to, kind of, help me frame it for myself, too. So I would say, it was a combination of everything really, that was able to get me to where I'm at.

Scott Anthony Barlow 28:09

Well, I am so glad to hear it. And, you know, before we finish up here, is there any other parting words of either wisdom or advice that you'd like to share with someone who is finding themselves back in that situation that you were in a year ago? Or like, okay, clearly, I need to make a change. Clearly, this is not a great fit. But what the heck do I do about it from here? What would you tell that person who's in that place right now?

Nick Neves 28:37

Yeah, I would say, you know, thinking back to about a year ago[j], when I was very unhappy in my job and everything, you know, you have to make a change, but you're not really sure what direction to move in. And maybe you do have a sense of what direction you want to move in. But it's just not really sure how to get there. For me, like I said, I really like the structure of everything. So that was super helpful, but it's not so structured, where it's like, you know, someone likes to kind of do things at their own pace and all that, I think it's very flexible. And I know you guys would get to work with people's different styles and customizing things, the way people work. So that's great. So that was, you know, a big thing for me. And even if I think this would be really helpful for someone who's looking to make even more of a drastic change, like, if you're looking to make some, you know, if you're looking to move into a very niche job, that it's difficult to kind of get into that role, because I know talking with some other people on the program, they were looking for, like very niche specific jobs in certain industries. That's one, you know, a coach would be super helpful. And it was... even still, helpful for me who was just still in the corporate world, kind of, you know, making a pivot, but nothing like super drastic. So I would say no matter what boat you're in, really, I think having the help and guidance is helpful, right? Have the community to fall back on, bounce ideas off of people. All that is just, it was all very helpful in the end. So I would say those are the kind of big takeaways for me.

Scott Anthony Barlow 29:59

Nick, thank you for taking the time and making the time, I really appreciate it. And I told you at the beginning of this, but super fun for me to get to have this conversation with you. I know you did all this work, and you know, and Mo was keeping me posted. But I still didn't get to hear the whole story, necessarily. So I appreciate you coming and sharing it, not just with me, but with everybody else too.

Nick Neves 30:20

More thank you and everyone else, Mo, Phillip, everyone who I worked with. Thanks for giving me opportunity to share my perspective and story. I know, the podcast was huge for me for, you know, getting the... first off, discovered you guys, but also kind of getting motivated. So hopefully, if I could share my story and help other people, that'd be an honor. Thanks again.

Scott Anthony Barlow 30:41

Hey, many of the stories that you've heard on the podcast are from listeners that have decided that they wanted to take action and taking the first step of having a conversation with our team to try and figure out how we can help. And if you want to implement what you have heard, and you want to completely change your life and your career, then let's figure out how we can help. So here's what I would suggest, just open your phone right now and open your email app. And I'm going to give you my personal email address, scott@happentoyourcareer.com, just email me and put 'Conversation' in the subject line. And then when you do that, I'll introduce you to the right person on our team. And you can have a conversation with us, we'll try and understand your goals and what you want to accomplish in your career no matter where you're at. And we can figure out the very best way that we can help you and your situation. So open up right now and send me an email with 'Conversation' in the subject line scott@happentoyourcareer.com.

Scott Anthony Barlow 31:52

People make career changes all the time. That's a normal thing. Unfortunately, many of those career changes are not great moves. In reality, what we find when we meet up with so many people after they've made a career change is that they're just running from portion of their past job, whether it's a bad boss, a toxic environment, trying to raise their salary, trying to lower the amount of stress and responsibility, when instead, they should be figuring out what they really actually want. And then run towards that. So what happens if you've had that situation? What happens if you have made a career change only to realize that your previous career actually fit you much better? Technology and culture can advance or it can change quickly. How do you pivot back to your previous career path after some time has passed? And make it even better?

Louie Rankin 32:53

After I really put my mind to "Okay, what do I want to do, you know, for the next several years[k], if not till the end of my career and that's, you know, what I really enjoyed?" I just needed to, kind of, get out of my mindset that I was for so many years, and I think actually stepping out of the role in a three union and then coming back, I have kind of a new outlook on things.

Scott Anthony Barlow 33:11

That's Louie. He went to college for medical imaging, he spent years then afterwards working in the 3D imaging. And, as you might imagine, he felt like he was the one who like needed a career change. But once he made that change, he quickly realized that his health and his family life were being very negatively affected. Listen, as he shares why he changed careers, from medical imaging into IT and the struggles that he faced when he made that change. And most importantly, take a listen further in the episode to how he pivoted back into the pieces he loved most from his previous career, ultimately leading him to much more happiness more often in both career and the other areas of his life. All that and plenty more next week[l] right here on Happen To Your Career. Make sure that you don't miss it. And if you haven't already, click Subscribe on your podcast player so that you can download this podcast in your sleep, and you get it automatically. Even the bonus episodes every single week, sometimes multiple times a week. Until next week. Adios. I'm out.

[a][02:30] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[b][05:54] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[c][08:44] inaudible @kathy@happentoyourcareer.com

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[d][11:58] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[e][14:49] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[f][15:31] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[g][16:16] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[h][17:47] inaudible @kathy@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Kathy Wilkes_

[i][24:05] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[j][28:40] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[k][32:57] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[l][34:03] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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Ready for Career Happiness?

What Career Fits You?

Finally figure out what you should be doing for work

Join our 8-day “Mini-Course” to figure it out. It’s free!

Stuck in a Career You’re Unhappy With? Fear Of Taking Risks Could Be Keeping You There

on this episode

Many people are afraid to take risks because it’s easier to stay where they feel safe and comfortable. We like to think of this as “comfortably unhappy.” It’s the kind of unhappy that you can live in because it feels stable and safe.

But the problem is that if you aren’t willing to get uncomfortable, you could be cheating yourself out of career happiness. That’s right – you have to get out of your comfort zone in order to make big things happen!

Stephanie was plagued with an aversion to risk and was comfortably unhappy in her role. Once she finally saw the writing on the wall, she decided to face her fears and embrace the unknown to find her ideal role.

What you’ll learn

  • What caused Stephanie to want to make a change in the first place
  • Why being afraid of taking risks can actually hold you back
  • How working through the “5 Whys” reveals your values
  • Why it’s important to figure out what you want (even when you’re not naturally introspective)
  • The importance of getting out of your comfort zone sooner rather than later

Success Stories

My brain always goes 'Well, what's the worst that could happen?' And that was another one of the exercises from Figure Out What Fits and once you realize what the worst that can happen is, it's not really that bad. In the big scheme of things, it might knock it back for a minute or two, but it's not not a biggie. They have not found it to happen yet. So I've just been pleasantly surprised every step of the way.

Mark Sinclair, Photograher, Australia

The hardest part was getting overfitting myself into a job board. Because after about a decade of following job boards and what careers were trending in on the uprise, you really get in this holding pattern of not acknowledging what you want. It was you and your podcast and your CCB program. So, more background, I went through your CCB program a year ago. But, I finished it less than a year ago. And some of the tools are you have us design this ideal career profile. And so, you make us acknowledge all of these different aspects and put it together in one sheet. And so, it really visually lays it out that you can combine them.

Allison Curbow, Career Solutions Coach, United States/Canada

I convinced myself for many years, that I was very lucky to have that job, and I would be crazy to leave it. I convinced myself that the team needed me even though I was miserable. And ultimately, it took me getting physically sick to realize I needed to leave! One of the biggest things that I learned out of the signature coaching was on designing my life. And this is another thing that I had really never, it had, I don't know, if it had never occurred to me. I just never believed it was possible until now.

Michael Fagone, Mortgage Loan Officer and Finance Executive, United States/Canada

All the stars aligned and I ended up finding the right thing at the right place at the right time, and it was you guys! Everything that you said was speaking to me and the things that you had done in the job that you had transitioned out of and into. Also how finding work that you love is your passion for people! Honestly, it was you Scott, I mean, the way that you talked about it, how passionate you were, I was like, there's no way he's gonna put out a faulty product. So I'm gonna try it, you know… I recommend you to all my friends, you know, even if they don't realize that they're looking for a new job, I'm like this is the first step, let's do this! Even if you maybe don't move out of this career. This is going to help!

Maggie Romanovich, Director of Learning and Development, United States/Canada

Stephanie Bilbrey 00:00

I would say that it started with when I engaged a career coach. And it very quickly became life coaching . And the thing that rose to the top most quickly as my initial mountain to climb was my aversion to risk.

Introduction 00:33

This is the Happen To Your Career podcast, with Scott Anthony Barlow. We help you stop doing work that doesn't fit you, figure out what does and make it happen. We help you define the work that's unapologetically you, and then go get it. If you're ready to make a change, keep listening. Here's Scott. Here's Scott. Here's Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 00:57

Why does making a career change feel risky to so many people? I mean, I get it, if you're in an organization where the pay is great, or the benefits are awesome, or you have the flexibility that you want to continue to have, or maybe even the people are absolutely wonderful, and you're afraid of losing all of that. But here's the thing, even if you're not really happy with the job, and not really happy with the situation, then what goes through so many of our heads is, is it worth taking the risk on a new career and possibly losing all the good parts? Have you ever considered why it feels risky to you? Now, I would argue two things. One, that after doing this many, many years, not just the podcast, but helping thousands of people through career change, we don't typically see that people are losing all the good parts, that we see that that rarely rarely ever happens. And instead, I would argue that the far larger risk is the risk of doing nothing and staying for more years of your life in a situation that's no longer good for you.

Stephanie Bilbrey 02:08

I don't like interpersonal conflict. I don't know who does but I'm like, risk, it's my kryptonite. But man did it get me out of my comfort zone, did it challenge me, did it keep me on my toes, that got me in a better space to be broader in the way that I was thinking and just more welcoming of discomfort.

Scott Anthony Barlow 02:31

That's Stephanie. She worked for years in community college environment, and was plagued by an aversion to risk. I think it's pretty safe to say she was comfortably unhappy in her role. Now once she finally saw the writing on the wall, she decided to face her fears and embrace the unknown to find her ideal role. Now here's the really crazy thing. If we fast forward to what happened at the end of her change, she ended up surpassing her own expectations by a longshot in terms of salary and what was possible, for her and her happiness in her career. Now, I want you to listen for that. But let's start out as Stephanie shares right here right now, what caused her to want to make a change in the first place.

Stephanie Bilbrey 03:19

I will say that I feel like I've been toying with my career for like, a decade. But looking at the work that I've been doing in the last couple of months or past year[a] previously, in that last decade, I wasn't bringing intentionality and reflection and risk. I was taking these kind of like small hopeful fingers crossed kind of pivots. And but then questioning like, is this the right company? Is this the right role? And then later, you know, that like imposter syndrome comes up, is it me? Is that what's wrong? It's actually listening to the podcast that you did with Dan Pink. And he said something to the effect of many people go their lives half asleep. Is that... Am I quoting that right? Something like that.

Scott Anthony Barlow 04:00

It was something similar to that. Yes.

Stephanie Bilbrey 04:02

So that actually really hit home with me because my husband and I, about seven years ago, had[b] been toying with the idea of moving across the country and going out west just up ending our lives. And in my sign off letter to the organization, I was working out at the time, I feel like I've been on autopilot. I've been checking boxes that my elders told me to check. So not really taking risks and listening to my heart. So that was my first kind of like, something's got to change. But I kind of leaned on moving across the country to be the, like, thing that opens everything and changes my career. And so, needless to say, that was not the solution. I'm so glad that I did it. It was amazing. I've actually moved back to the east coast since that initial. But, you know, so I kind of, like, shook up the industry that I was working in. I started working in higher education. I started digging heavier into a different industry. But turns out that wasn't the solution either. So one of my favorite quotes is, "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got." So it became evident that I was ready to move back across the country to be closer to family. I said, I have got to do right by my career. So that was probably the end of 2019[c], when I started listening to the podcast, and then listening to the podcast, became hiring a career coach who was actually a life coach. She was amazing. And so that foundational work began. And then I did at the bootcamp, probably about like, six months[d] after coaching.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:36

Wow. So this is... anyways, as you said, been a journey a decade in the making, but especially in the last three years[e] is what I'm hearing. And now you've been in a variety of different areas, you said, higher education, you've been in event planning, you've been in even the marketing side of events, if I remember correctly too, right. And also dipped into, like training and content development, those types of pieces as well. So you've been in a lot of areas, but it sounded like it wasn't as much about the area for you, it wasn't as much about, in some ways, the exact occupation for you, it's more about other pieces. So you know, as you were thinking about making this change back in back in 2019. And you're really starting to take some steps, then, what were some of the pieces that, at that point in time, you were feeling like you were either missing or wanting to change? What was the reason for the change?

Stephanie Bilbrey 06:37

I, you know, some people, they have a calling. And that's not the case for everyone. And I've listened to enough of these podcasts. And it's okay if you don't have a calling, it's okay.

Scott Anthony Barlow 06:47

It is okay. It'll be.

Stephanie Bilbrey 06:49

You know, I made peace with that. But it's like I had these fits and starts of, I'm passionate about this. And then like a year or two or three later[f], I'm like, I hate this. You know, I had a very specific moment where I was working, moving away toward event planning over several years. But I had to lean back into it when I moved across the country, because I had to get a bridge job. And I remember this woman coming into the office and she was a client. It was a big conference Convention Center. And she came in devastated. The event is going on. And she said, "We agreed on white napkins. In ballroom A, there are white. In ballroom F, there are ivory." I mean, she looked like the world was ending. And I was like, I can't do this anymore. This is not what I want. So where's that spark? And you know, marketing wasn't doing it for me. And I even started like a local networking organization for marketing, because I was like, this is it. This is cutting edge. And I was like, man, I really like these people. But this isn't doing it for me either. So I think really what it comes down to is just, I wanted to feel engaged with the work I was doing and wanting to be excited about it, even if it's not a calling.

Scott Anthony Barlow 08:06

Calling such an interesting word. I have had lots... I've had probably, I don't know, 500 or so conversations where people are like, "Hey, what you do is a calling." And I don't even know if I identify with that word, to be quite honest. I can absolutely see how people get that. However, I really don't necessarily identify with that word. And I think that the reason I'm bringing that up is because it doesn't have to be something that you feel like is a calling. But it does have to hit all the buttons per se for you to feel fulfilled, rewarded, engaged. And maybe it's doesn't even matter that much about what word you identify with, but where you're feeling something towards it emotionally. And that is an ongoing, that is something that is on an ongoing basis. And often, we've seen that that lines up with, not just the work itself, but also the environment and the type and way that you're making an impact. And you can see that impact, because I think the story that you told is really interesting one because I have met some people in the world where they would describe that napkin situation. And they would say, you know what, this event mattered so much to that person that I felt very compelled to make sure that they had the white napkins as opposed to the ivory ones because I can see how I'm helping. But it's also totally okay, that that's not how you want to help and you don't get that type of fulfillment from that. Everybody has to find their own brand of fulfillment in many different ways.

Stephanie Bilbrey 09:34

There's an event planners out there, it is okay if that is very important to you. Absolutely. It just there... it is simply misalignment on my part.

Scott Anthony Barlow 09:42

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that, though. Like I don't think that there's anything wrong with that. And that is in many ways the challenge in this journey. So as you started going through and as you began trying to identify, hey, what would create a great next step for me? What will create an ideal next step for me? What did that beginning of the really look like for you? Where did you start? How did that work for you?

Stephanie Bilbrey 10:04

I would say that it started with when I engaged a career coach, it very quickly became life coaching. The thing that rose to the top most quickly as my initial mountain to climb was my aversion to risk.

Scott Anthony Barlow 10:24

In what way? When you think of version to risk, I think there's lots of people that say that, but what does that mean for you?

Stephanie Bilbrey 10:29

I would say Foundation, like primarily financial risk, never leaping from one job without having another one secured, those kind of conventions. And then I just think you fear of the unknown is a risk. And, you know, a career change brings so many complicated emotions, and I was that I don't like that space very much. So much of that imposter syndrome. And what if I fail? That became very evident to me right away, that is your first area that you got to work on sister, is this work is hard, you know, listen to the podcast and knowing the challenge that lies ahead. Like, you've got to kind of get into a discomfort zone.

Scott Anthony Barlow 11:13

I think that when you say, get into a discomfort zone, that is...

Stephanie Bilbrey 11:20

Sounds terrible to describe.

Scott Anthony Barlow 11:22

It does sound kind of terrible. Doesn't it? Like, probably everybody who's listening to this right now has seen those images, where it's like, hey, you've got two circles that are on there, like, comfort zone in one circle is like everything you want completely outside of that. Everybody's probably seen some element of that. But why do you say that? Why was that such a big thing for you? What role did that play in this process? Can you think of a time where did you start getting outside your comfort zone beyond the risk?

Stephanie Bilbrey 11:52

Yeah, well, a couple things. You know, first of all, it just goes back to, "if you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got." And so by taking this kind of like incremental safe approach to career change, like just career nudges, was not yielding me the vision of engaged work. No, I didn't say calling. So you know, for me, I know this sounds strange, because it sounds so nice. But meditation and reflection, going back to what we were previously talking about, getting deeper into my why. So much of the bootcamp work resonated with me, you know, because it was your first response, you need to go deeper, you need to ask yourself, is it three why's, five why's? I can't remember.

Scott Anthony Barlow 12:39

There's a problem solving methodology that has an exercise where it is five why's. And generally five why's is deep enough. And it goes something along the lines of, and I think this is what you're alluding to Stephanie is you're saying, "Well, okay, well, why am I at work? Well, because I need to earn money. But why do I need to earn?" Keep going to layer and layer and layer deeper. Or it's, "Hey, why do I feel that I want fulfilment?" And then going to the next level. "Well, because I feel like I'm missing something. Well, why do I feel like I'm missing something?" And just keeping going layer and layer until you get to what's called root cause. But now that our base caught up, why was that so interesting for you?

Stephanie Bilbrey 13:17

Because that's really where the meat was, where my values were, where the answers were, you know, I'll give you an example. And I think this is your eight day mini course, I love to the question, "If you had the opportunity to teach something, what would you teach?" And one of my answers was, I love branding. I love creating a whole world for, you know, a company and a look and a feel and a tone, especially, you know, a lot around communications, because that really is a major kind of pillar in my skills and my interest. But through asking why and digging deeper, I realized that there was more to that for me in that it was organizational culture, it was company branding, that I really was digging into and latching on to, that was a thread for me. So that led me down that path of not only is culture important to me, in wherever my career goes, company culture and good work life balance, and, you know, throw out those buzzwords, but I need to be in it, I need to help direct it in some way. Doesn't mean that like, I am the director of culture for company X. But it was through those kinds of exercises that I was able to pull out that thread. And if I hadn't been meditating, as part of that, creating that kind of, it doesn't sound uncomfortable when I say it, because it's like meditating is really nice. But for me and digging deeper and taking time to myself, also, that's a whole other thing that I'm sure, you know, many career searchers can understand and empathize with is just like the time to do this and to justify nothing. You just sit here and you think can be really hard. So another way that I was adding disruption to my life, adding discomfort is taking on hard conversations at work that I would have normally run away from screaming, for example, I don't like interpersonal conflict. I don't know who does but I'm like, risk, it's my kryptonite. But man did it get me out of my comfort zone, did it challenge me, did it keep me on my toes, does that directly relate to my career, you know, kind of work and the results that I got? No, but it got me in a better space to be broader in the way that I was thinking and just more welcoming of discomfort.

Scott Anthony Barlow 15:40

That's really interesting. So one of the pieces and parts that I had picked up as you were going through making this change, just in tidbits of communication, I can't remember whether it's from a conversation or from an email. But it really seemed like this was an inching along process for you, and not in a bad way at all, in a great way. And when I say an inch long process, it seems like each of these little pieces, like taking the time, not just the meditation itself, but taking the time, the practice of taking the time to meditate and do something that normally wouldn't have or get outside your comfort zone with some of these conflict type conversations, each of these paved little tiny inch spaces to be able to get to the next step and the next inch. And that was really, really interesting to me, because I think you did such a great job of going one inch at a time consistently, even though it probably didn't always feel that way.

Stephanie Bilbrey 16:37

It felt like 17,000 inches at the same time.

Scott Anthony Barlow 16:43

So here's my question with that, then, when you were beginning to recognize some of these themes, or threads that you mentioned earlier, and you started getting into the experimentation phase of the process, what we call the experimentation phase of the process, what did that look like for you?

Stephanie Bilbrey 17:00

It looked like one way was just reaching out to former colleagues, friends, one of the exercises that I loved within bootcamp was just getting feedback on your strengths from a variety of people. That was one way that I approached it. Another way was, honestly, dropping in words that really were resonating with me on LinkedIn, and seeing the web of connections that were there. So for me culture was a word. So I would find individuals on LinkedIn, some of them were second and third, you know, like weak ties, some of them were not. And then I just hit the phone hard trying to make those connections and asking good questions. 15, 20 minutes, that's all you got. So trying to understand what made them successful in their career, what they love about what they're doing, and culture. And I was talking to a lot of different people to just get as many perspectives about how one could interact with and be in support of culture.

Scott Anthony Barlow 18:06

What are couple examples of those? Like, different... I know, we have a tendency to say, hey, it's less important about the job title, because that's drastically different from organization. But what were some of these people responsible for or doing or how were they interacted with culture? What's a couple examples of that?

Stephanie Bilbrey 18:20

Yeah, absolutely. Training, organizational development and change management. So that's those are kind of more like corporate buzzwords, they're pro size certified, which, you know, sounds intimidating. But then I also went down that, like, do I need a certification route, and some of them were internal communicators. So really responsible, obviously, this tend to be larger organizations that need that kind of role. And some of them were, I would say, more traditional kind of HR folks that took on more of the well being, you know, well, being champion, did those kinds of things.

Scott Anthony Barlow 18:51

Interesting. So that is such a span. And it can be. And I think that that's true for every time that at least we're interacting with people through a career change process, that they start to discover, like this can be a big thing. Now, the other thing that we often see happen, and I don't know how much this did or didn't happen in your case, but when people go through, and they're having those types of conversations, or they're getting feedback in a new and different way, and getting an exposure and a new and different way, they're often getting realizations that help them to pinpoint where they might be interested in. So what did that look like for you? Did that happen for you? And how did that look?

Stephanie Bilbrey 19:30

Yes, it did happen for me. I would say what one area that resonated for me a lot was when I would talk to the internal communicators. And you know, it's funny. I mean, how many times have people said to you, "Scott, the writing was always on the wall, like, why didn't I see it? Like, it was like, duh..." But when you, you know, hindsight is 2020. But, you know, for so long and different organizations, you'd be in a situation where you would be at a table with your co workers, and somebody would ask you, "Why do you like working here? Why do you work here?" And my coworkers would have some mission based answer. "You know, I worked in higher education. I'm here for the students, and then it would get to me." And then I would...

Scott Anthony Barlow 20:09

Here for the white napkins.

Stephanie Bilbrey 20:11

Oh, y'all, I'm here for you. I mean, other people would say that too. "You know, I love my coworkers." But I worked in theater. Yes, the theaters, the art is so important. But I found myself saying, "I'm here for my coworkers. Before I'm here for the art, before I'm here for the students, before I'm here for the mission driven thing." So that was a huge realization for me. So then, kind of combining all of that together and realizing that that particular example, internal communications, that's my customer, is the coworkers.

Scott Anthony Barlow 20:45

Okay, so that's such an interesting example, Stephanie, because I think there is so many different ways that that can go, first of all, you made a really great point that often when people go through this type of process, and they are trying to clarify what makes an amazing next step for them, and even beyond that, and what great looks like and you know, that we often, if we're helping with that type of change, then we'll often help in the form of creating what the ideal career looks like, and the profile of that, if you will. However, I think the great point that you made there is that so often it comes out on the other side where the writing has been there, and now you can clear enough away to be able to pay attention to it in a way that simply wasn't possible before. And I think so many people go into this process thinking, you know what, I'm going to discover something brand new, I'm going to be a beekeeper, or I'm going to be a, I don't know, insert your occupation here. That is just absolutely polar whitey from whatever, you know, people have been doing. And that's so often not the case, occasionally does happen. But so often, it's not the case. So great point. And then for you, my question becomes, as you were thinking about that writing on the wall piece, what caused you to begin to pay attention to it in a way that was helpful for you. And I'll preface that only to say that, I think so often people feel like, "Hey, I'm saying I'm here for you. But I really feel like I don't actually have an answer, or I feel bad about my answer, or I feel like I shouldn't have that answer, even if it is true." Instead of saying, "You know what this actually means something. And in your case, it really absolutely did mean something, meant everything in many different ways."

Stephanie Bilbrey 22:27

Yeah. You know, one of the terms that you hear a lot, one of the phrases in bootcamp is what can you not stop doing. And so for me, thinking about my co workers, and not that the customer is not important, the customer is very, very, very important. But when your knee jerk reaction, when you look at it process or communication or anything is internal versus external, that was a lightbulb for me.

Scott Anthony Barlow 22:53

The other thing that I wanted to ask you, because it's easy to sit here and say, okay, you know, if we skip to the end of what the story looked like, for you, you got now one but multiple job offers, you did a fantastic job negotiating with both of those job offers. And you work, speaking of those conflict conversations, you had some more conversations that were way outside of your comfort zone. And you did a fantastic job with those. But aside from that, what would you say was the hardest part of making this type of career change? The type of career change where you're putting yourself in the way that you want to show up in the world first.

Stephanie Bilbrey 23:31

I would say that the hardest part for me was just taking risks in general, it's such an uncomfortable thing for me. But to that end, I moved across the country yet again, without a job, it really was the right decision for me. But the work was really hard and sometimes a confidence killer. And so to be so drained, you know, when it's and you're already trying to fight your fear. You know, like, I don't know if I can call this person, I don't know, if I can, you know, leave this job, in addition to just being kind of run ragged from the phone calls and trying to figure it out that I wasn't anticipating that drain and that challenge that uphill battle, I thought it was going to be ripping resumes apart. You know, it's like, oh, that's I'm embarrassed. Okay. It goes so much deeper than that.

Scott Anthony Barlow 24:27

If you were to go back for just a second to Stephanie, I think it was at the end of 2019, you said you're really starting to begin to act on this. What advice would you give to that person who's in that same place where they realize and recognize that what the situation they're in is not where they want to be, and they know that there is something much better out there but they're in that place where it's those fears are popping up. And in that beginning stages, it's such a hard place to be, to even come get into making this type of change and, you know, call it a career change. But really, it's a life change.

Stephanie Bilbrey 25:05

Yeah, I definitely would have told myself to start even sooner.

Scott Anthony Barlow 25:10

Why... Hold on. Why is that? I'm curious.

Stephanie Bilbrey 25:12

I don't regret my career trajectory at all, but to have looked back and known that so many years were not spent as engaged as I could have been, as happy as I could have been just kind of miring through, that would be a motivator right there to tell, you know, 2019 Stephanie, because I mean, to tell 2011 Stephanie[g], "Hey, this kind of incremental safety net approach won't yield what your heart really wants" you know, that's like a big overarching. So 2019[h] kind of fast forward a little bit. And I had already learned a little bit of lessons, I would say, the advice that I would have given myself is to research more to be as curious as possible, I tend to be a doer, not that I'm not a thinker. However, if given the opportunity, I rely more heavily on go implementation, press the start button, knowing what I know now, creating more opportunities for research, more opportunities for curiosity, I think would have been really helpful.

Scott Anthony Barlow 26:22

That's interesting. Any other pieces of advice that you would give to those people who are just now thinking about this, or maybe in the midst of a career change? Because you've done a great job going all the way through, and I know that some of the things that you've learned through this process will probably help you for many, many years to come, not just now, in the immediate future. What did you say? You're 60 days in to your new role, I use it in a different place, then two or three years ago. So anything else that you would encourage that person to think about as it relates to this process?

Stephanie Bilbrey 26:55

Well, first of all, it truly takes a village to change careers, in my opinion. I think there's this expectation that we put on ourselves that we can figure this out, that it's not rocket science, and it's my own personal journey. So it's just on me, and that is so not the case. Not only does it take a village of your immediate, you know, friends or family rely on some of those folks, as well, but it takes a village of like strangers, actually, you know, depending on the kind of research that you need to do and the connections that you want to make, you're like reaching out into the great unknown to say, "Hi, your LinkedIn profile story is fascinating to me. Do you have 15 minutes?" And that is.... that can be very uncomfortable. But some of those uncomfortable reach outs yielded such critical connections for me, and specifically, what I really latched on to and loved was make it easy for people to say "yes", so I worked on that a lot. And the other, oh, there was a podcast that you did, Jay Papasan. Yes.

Scott Anthony Barlow 27:57

Yeah. Jay is great.

Stephanie Bilbrey 27:59

That piece of advice that he gives about relationships are like bank accounts, you have to put in deposits before he can make withdrawals is actually this specific piece of advice that got the ball rolling to get me to the job, where I am right now, I took that. And I realized there was a... specifically, one day I said, "I need to make some deposits." And there was a former coworker. And I reached out to her with no agenda whatsoever. And we had kind of like, kept in touch on social media, but I knew how connected she was on LinkedIn. And I said, "How was your holiday? How are your kids?" And the rest, I don't want to say like the rest is history, first of all, it's really trite. And the next, like, two or three months were[i], like, really painful on a roller coaster. But it was literally that idea. And therefore that moment of, you know, sending that email that set the rest in motion.

Scott Anthony Barlow 28:54

That's interesting. So you're saying that taking that idea of building relationships or giving to others without expectation as part of how I'm interpreting that and making those deposits, if you will, then that is part of what led to this actual opportunity for you?

Stephanie Bilbrey 29:14

Yes.

Scott Anthony Barlow 29:14

Very cool. Love it. We see that so often. But I think that's also a really hard thing for so many of us, because the thoughts that jump into our heads are like, but I need a job, or... but I need, like, where do I do the thing that then gets me to the job offer? Like how does... and it is in many ways going against those short term benefits or short term type of tactics that then allows to focus on long term. That's the big takeaway that I have more recently realized about this type of process and how we guide people through it. It requires long term approaches to get to long term solutions versus short term approaches get to short term solutions that you don't want to be in for very long jobs or otherwise.

Stephanie Bilbrey 30:00

Yes, and then, you know, just like totally on a granular level, the applicant tracking system traditional way, applying, resume, cover letter is terrible. And also way less likely in, from what I've seen, than the relationship pathway to not only a career change, but the actual job, it kind of does double duty, you know, in that way, like, I spent so much time on cover letters and resumes that went nowhere.

Scott Anthony Barlow 30:33

Oh, my goodness, yes. I feel like you do seven hours of podcast on why not to do that. However, we'll make that into a series later on.

Stephanie Bilbrey 30:42

Right. I mean, you do live some success. But overall, it is not what got me where I am right now.

Scott Anthony Barlow 30:50

I think that it really depends on what your goal is. We've really toyed around with how to explain this in a way that makes sense. But it's hard to explain it in a soundbite. But if you think it, think about it, in terms of, if your goal is to get a job, maybe even a well paying job as quickly as possible, then that means that, you know, going on job boards and looking at what is open right this second, and what people need and trying to match yourself into that, that is the best way to go. If that's your goal. However, if you have goals, much more likely you've described, Stephanie, where you were looking for that fulfillment, you were looking for that calling, you're looking for that thing that was missing in one way or another or multiple things that were missing. And that's really what you want. And that's a priority for you. It requires a completely different solution. It requires completely different tactics, it requires completely different. So I think it really does depend on your goal. And you've done a really nice job taking steps that lead you towards what your goal actually was. One more thing I really wanted to ask you about. Partially because we were just talking through it before we even really hit the record button here at the beginning of our conversation, but you did such a nice job working through multiple offers. And that was very uncomfortable for you. So first of all, what's not always obvious is the work that it takes to get to more than one offer. You know, when we talk about two or three or four offers on this podcast, I think it gets glossed over and people don't realize how much work but what was your biggest takeaway in working through that type of situation before we end here.

Stephanie Bilbrey 32:28

I would say transparency and honesty were really, really helpful to call someone that, and I have to say that this particular human being was so so lovely, and saw value in me that other interview situations had not... I couldn't feel that, the way that I could feel this with this particular company, and individual. So hello makes it so much harder. But so then saying those kinds of things and saying, "I didn't envision that it would work out this way. And I was so genuinely excited for this opportunity. I hope we can stay in touch." We're helpful, I think, to kind of say there was a substantial amount of respect and excitement, but then a level of understanding as well, to help ease the flow.

Scott Anthony Barlow 33:22

Stephanie, great job again, thank you so much for coming and sharing your story. I have said that earlier. But I absolutely mean it, I really, really appreciate it. And I know I've told you before too, but anything you need, don't hesitate to ask.

Stephanie Bilbrey 33:38

Thank you very much.

Scott Anthony Barlow 33:40

Yeah, absolutely. My pleasure. Well actually shoot, it felt like 15 minutes of conversation. And we are at time. I'm looking at the time again. And oh, my goodness. If there is anything you need, do not hesitate to ask. Otherwise, I know that you all are finishing up on the community side. So I really appreciate your work there too. And I know that Phillip has been especially excited about some of the feedback that you brought to the table. So thank you for that too.

Stephanie Bilbrey 34:07

Absolutely. It's been a pleasure throughout this entire process. I want to thank you for inviting me on to the podcast, but just the community that is the bootcamp has been such a delight as well. And the support of your team couldn't have done most of this, going to say most, if not all of this, without you guys. So I am very grateful for this team.

Scott Anthony Barlow 34:30

You are very, very welcome. And I so appreciate that. I am way more happy than I'm going to be able to describe in the next 10 seconds here. That is wonderful to hear on so many different levels.

Scott Anthony Barlow 34:44

Hey, many of the stories that you've heard on the podcast are from listeners that have decided that they wanted to take action and taking the first step of having a conversation with our team to try and figure out how we can help. And if you want to implement what you have heard, and you want to completely change your life and your career, then let's figure out how we can help. So here's what I would suggest, just open your phone right now and open your email app. And I'm going to give you my personal email address, scott@happentoyourcareer.com, just email me and put 'Conversation' in the subject line. And then when you do that, I'll introduce you to the right person on our team. And you can have a conversation with us, we'll try and understand your goals and what you want to accomplish in your career no matter where you're at. And we can figure out the very best way that we can help you and your situation. So open up right now and send me an email with 'Conversation' in the subject line scott@happentoyourcareer.com.

Scott Anthony Barlow 35:49

A long time ago, I used to work forTarget. And I did Human Resource Management and Leadership for Target. And it was a pretty wonderful opportunity. I loved the company, they took great care of me, much of the leadership training that I got, and have to this day, came from Target putting time and money and effort into me. So I'm forever appreciative of that. Also, at the same time, I was working for them. And they decided that they wanted to move their HR that supported stores more and more and more into the stores and more into the standard retail environment. Now, that was exactly the right decision for them. But it really wasn't that great for me, to be honest. And that's something that I have seen over and over and over again, where people go through, they get a job, it's amazing opportunity. And then the company changes or evolves into something else. And it's no longer amazing. It's not even awesome. It's the opposite of that. That happens.

Nick Neves 37:12

I was in a job working in customer success, which for those who don't know, it's kind of like customer support, with like a little bit of sales mixed in. And I was doing this job, it was kind of morphing more into a sales role. There's a lot of pressure to kind of move into, like a sales type role, which is just not for me.

Scott Anthony Barlow 37:30

That's Nick. In less than two years, his Customer Success role began to change to, well, being almost all a sales role. And as it began to uncover his strengths and define what he really wanted in life, he knew that he had to make a change. But how do you move from a role that's no longer ideal to one that actually uses your strengths? Alright, well, spoiler alert, Nick does a really nice job of this. And as you heard in the introduction, he actually transitions to accounting. All that and plenty more next week[j] right here on Happen To Your Career. Make sure that you don't miss it. And if you haven't already, click Subscribe on your podcast player so that you can download this podcast in your sleep, and you get it automatically. Even the bonus episodes every single week, sometimes multiple times a week. Until next week. Adios. I'm out.

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Take Control: How To Thrive In Your Role And Become Your Best Self

on this episode

Many companies focus on the idea of “Employee Engagement”, but much of that concept is employer dependent. What most people don’t realize is that you can actually take ownership of your role yourself and make it work for you.

Rachel Cooke joins us today to share how you can take control to deliver your best work, and thrive in your role.

What you’ll learn

  • What it means to deliver your best work and become your best self
  • How you can develop new skills, capabilities, and talents
  • The importance of connecting with your team and community with a sense of purpose
  • What you can do on your own so that you can thrive in your work

Success Stories

Exactly 5 weeks from when I arrived in Canada I got a full time job, negotiated a higher salary and within the next 3 days I got another offer that pays 33% more. I am happy and very thankful to you, for you gave me support when I was looking and offered great tips.

Ingrid , United States/Canada

Scott helped me learn what my strengths are and what is most important to me… but more important than that I learned about what I can't stop doing that I have to have in my work to make me happy

Rhushi Bhadkamkar, Senior Consultant, Strategy and Core Operations, United States/Canada

I think one of the reasons the podcast has been so helpful to me is because you talk to people in different roles, and all of a sudden I have exposure to people in different roles. Talking about why they got there and what they like about it.

Laura Morrison, Senior Product Manager, United States/Canada

Rachel Cooke 00:01
Are there things that are keeping you from delivering the work that you believe you are hired to do? And that might mean things like, are you being micromanaged? Are there lots of administrative obstacles in your way? Are you struggling to have clarity on expectations or priorities? There are a million things that can hold us back from delivering our best work.

Introduction 00:26
This is the Happen To Your Career podcast, with Scott Anthony Barlow. We help you stop doing work that doesn't fit you, figure out what does and make it happen. We help you define the work that's unapologetically you, and then go get it. If you're ready to make a change, keep listening. Here's Scott. Here's Scott. Here's Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 00:50
I worked in HR leadership for many years long before HTYC was even never thought of. And I grew to hate the term employee engagement. Why? Well, partially because it's a buzzword and became a buzzword over the last 20 plus years. However, there's another really large reason, so many organizations talk about it, but not really doing anything of serious impact to help their employees actually be happier and more fulfilled at their work. And the crazy thing is that you don't actually have to wait. As it turns out, most people don't even realize that there are things that you can do. So you're not waiting in your organization to drive employee engagement, and actually allow you to be more fulfilled. So what is it that you can do to take ownership of your role in a way that actually matters, and allows you to be more happy more often in your career.

Rachel Cooke 01:51
And I think that there's absolutely a role that companies need to play in helping their teams craft that. But I also think we are all very much empowered to shape shift our own employee experiences, I think companies works really well is when you have both the enterprise and the individual employees all steering in the same direction.

Scott Anthony Barlow 02:12
That's Rachel Cooke. She's the founder of Lead Above Noise and also the host of Macmillan's Quick and Dirty Tips, modern mentor podcast. Today, Rachel's going to share how you can take control to deliver your best work and thrive without waiting on your company.

Rachel Cooke 02:29
I went to college to study psychology thinking that I wanted to be a therapist, and I love therapy, I believe in therapy. But I think I came out realizing I was a little intimidated by the idea of the human as a patient. But what if I could make the organization my patient? That just felt safer for me. So I went back to school for a master's degree in organizational psychology. And I have spent the bulk of my career working in the realm of people and HR. I spent several years doing HR full time and have been consulting on my own for six years now.

Scott Anthony Barlow 03:02
What prompted you to go from working HR full time? Which you and I have that in common. I spent a lot of years in HR as well, a whole bunch of other professions too, but very familiar with the HR side. What prompted you to go from HR to work in consulting?

Rachel Cooke 03:17
Yeah, you know, for me, I felt like I would never have so much hubris as to say that I learned everything that there was for me to learn, there's always more to learn. But at the same time, I felt like a lot of my energy was getting expended on what felt like being a cog in a wheel, I was executing on somebody else's vision, I feel like I was fighting in a rat race I didn't even think I wanted to be in and I didn't really see a path for growth, because for me, it felt like growth meant promotion and getting more senior and sort of being more polished and speaking more corporate speak. And that just wasn't what I wanted to do. I wanted to not continue executing on somebody else's vision. But I wanted to step out and create change and deliver impact in a way that felt more meaningful to me and that I felt like I kind of needed to be an outsider looking in in order to do.

Scott Anthony Barlow 04:07
So that's super interesting, partially because one of the things that you and I are gonna get to talk about today is ways for... if you're in the situation where your company isn't necessarily providing an amazing experience for you to be able to do that for yourself. And growth is something that it sounds like you weren't getting in the way that you wanted to, to put it mildly. Is that an understatement?

Rachel Cooke 04:33
No, it's totally right. And I think the key there is that growth isn't just one thing. It's what you define it to be. I was getting a ton of growth as the company decided what growth looked like, it just wasn't what I wanted.

Scott Anthony Barlow 04:46
So what's an example of that? What is something that you were not getting that you really were missing or looking for?

Rachel Cooke 04:53
For me, it was really opportunities to have bolder conversations. So in my last role, I was in HR business partner, and my role was really to sit down with my senior business leader and kind of listen and listen to his plans and his vision and help him execute on it. And I didn't feel incredibly empowered to challenge him to push back, to probe, to coach him in a way that might infringe upon his ego. And that sounds kind of terrible. But I think that leaders within a company are willing to take a certain degree of coaching and pushback from an external consultant in ways that they won't from their internal business partner. And so for me, it wasn't about, you know, how is the company grooming me? How are they positioning me for the next level? I really wanted to impact change in ways that I just didn't feel like I had permission to.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:40
I've experienced that as well, what you said about how sometimes you have consultants as an example, where they're able to come in and deliver a different type of feedback or a different type of advice. And it's paid attention to differently than, and not in all organizations, but certainly in many organizations, I've experienced that as well. So what's an example of tha, where now, if we're bringing this full circle to where you're at currently, you get to have that type of growth and those bolder conversations that you wanted to?

Rachel Cooke 06:15
Yeah, so one example that is very real time for me right now I'm working with the CEO of a business. And he and I keep having this conversation where he talks about conversations in the realm of, he always think about it as a dichotomy. So a conversation is either it's very action oriented, right? We're talking about results, we're talking about something quantifiable, measurable, we're action planning, or we're having a Kumbaya moment, and in his words, and in his mind, either we are executing, or we're like holding hands and singing a song. And where I have had the opportunity to really push his thinking, and I don't think I would have had the opportunity to do this if I were internal is I pushed back and I said, "Listen, I get that we may not right now, with your team, be having a conversation that feels totally like it belongs in a spreadsheet." I said, "But there's a lot of space between spreadsheets and Kumbaya. You know, we're having a conversation with your team right now around, how do they move forward? How do they collaborate more effectively? How do they better support each other and show up as a leadership team versus a team of leaders? And I think that there are genuine obstacles to that that need to be addressed and made visible. And so by putting those things out there by somebody on the team, being willing to say, "Hey, you know, I pitched this idea a few weeks ago, and you guys shut me down. You didn't even, you know, give me an opportunity to explain or you didn't ask me any questions." I said, By raising those things with your team, you actually have the power to move them forward. And I strenuously reject your assertion that that means it's a Kumbaya moment, right? So being able to really push him and challenge him and say, I do not accept your assertion. I don't think you can do that when the person on the other end of the conversation is your boss.

Scott Anthony Barlow 07:55
Under what circumstances have you seen it work where you're able to have that same type of pushing or similar, even if it's not exactly the same? So I'm super curious about.

Rachel Cooke 08:05
Well, what I think is that when you are a cog in the wheel of a company, and this is totally just my experience, I think there's an unspoken expectation that you're there to be part of the team and to support executing, but the whole group is executing. When somebody brings me in, they're going out of their way, they are making a conscious investment in wanting to hear a contradiction, in wanting to be pushed, in wanting to be challenged. It's not just that I have permission to do that. There's an expectation that I'm doing that, otherwise, what are they paying me for? So there's a bit of a self selecting thing that's happening there. I'm not saying every leader in the world is going to want my pushback. But what I am saying is the ones who have sought me out are the ones that do. So I don't have a choice, but to be a little bit bold and brave and candid with them. Otherwise, what are they paying me for?

Scott Anthony Barlow 08:54
Well, I think what's particularly useful as I'm listening to you tell that set of stories and what has worked for you is that you have to either find those environments in which you're getting the right rate areas of growth. In this case, you know, we started talking about growth, or you have to go and to some degree, create your own or find another one, right. So that brings us very much brings us full circle, because one of the biggest things that I wanted to ask you about is, what if it isn't working? What if you're in that position, let's go back, how many years ago was it that you were working in HR and having these slots? Okay, so six years ago, let's go back six years ago for a minute and say that, you know, for someone who's in a similar position where they're not quite getting the growth that they want, or they're not getting their buttons pushed in the right way for them, you know, how can they impact that? How can they enhance their own employee experiences?

Rachel Cooke 09:50
So what I will say is that for me, there were a number of life circumstances that were converging. So everything I said, is the honest truth. And also, I had kids and this was obviously well before the pandemic. And so there was an expectation that I was commuting. And I felt like I wasn't present for my kids. And so there were a whole bunch of circumstances that were converging that told me that my path was to step out and hang my own shingle and start my own business. I do not believe that that is necessarily the path for everybody. And I do not believe that for anyone who's maybe feeling like they need a little bit more love at work, the only answer is just to step out, I absolutely think that would be a terrifying thing to say, I think if you're in a position where you're not getting exactly what you want, but you want to make it work, you know, you love your company, you love being an employee. And by the way, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be part of somebody else's vision and playing a role and executing it. And I don't mean to imply that that is a bad thing. It just wasn't what I wanted personally. But if you love being part of a company, believe in your company's mission, you want to stick around, but you're just not feeling the love. You know, I do a lot of work with organizations on crafting meaningful employee experiences. And I think that there's absolutely a role that companies need to play in helping their teams craft that. But I also think we are all very much empowered to shape shift our own employee experiences, I think companies works really well is when you have both the enterprise and the individual employees all steering in the same direction. And so the framework that I use with companies, and that I use with CEOs and leaders, I think works just as well for the individual. So I love to talk about the employee experience through the lens of four pillars. So I think that there are some companies that think the employee experiences about, like, you know, pre COVID, it was, you know, we had food and foosball tables in the lobbies, and free massages. And you know, maybe now during the pandemic, it's more, you know, zoom happy hours, and virtual yoga, and those are cool, like, those are fun. And if you want to keep doing those as a company, I say go for it. But don't confuse those kind of sizzle and physical benefits as your employee experience. As far as I'm concerned, what creates a really powerful employee experience is when we can do four things: we can deliver our best work and our best selves, we can develop new skills, capabilities and talents, we can connect with our teams with a community with a sense of purpose, we feel belonging, and we can thrive, we feel well, we feel supported, we feel recognized, we feel like we have boundaries. When I work with organizations, those are the four pillars that we focus on. But I believe that an employee has certainly the power to take some steps in those four realms on their own, depending on what feels most absent for them. So let me pause there and see how that lands and I can keep going for hours. But that's probably not feasible.

Scott Anthony Barlow 12:43
I feel like we could probably have an eight or nine long hour conversation, maybe with bathroom breaks, I don't know about these particular topics. So here's what I'm particularly interested in, you know, when people are thinking about it not working, in this case, the employee experience, let's keep using that lingo, the employee experience is not working, they usually means that something is missing, or misfiring or something is not connecting, an expectation is not being met in one way or another, the expectation of the employee. So my question for you, is about, you know, when you think about these four pillars that you mentioned, what are some examples of each of those pillars? And specifically, how people can impact of this employee experience, maybe even what might be missing in each of these pillars?

Rachel Cooke 13:42
Absolutely. So if you think about the first one, which is deliver, you know, there's some great research out of Gallup, they publish every year, their state of the American workforce report. And what they say year over year, is that the number one driver that employees are looking for when they're evaluating new jobs is to what extent do they believe they're going to have the opportunity to deliver what they were hired to do. People care deeply, they want to show up and do their best work. So when I talk about deliver, what I push people to think about is, are there things that are keeping you from delivering the work that you believe you are hired to do? And that might mean things like, are you being micromanaged? Are there lots of administrative obstacles in your way? Are you struggling to have clarity on expectations or priorities? There are a million things that can hold us back from delivering our best work. So I really encourage people to think about if that feels like the space where you're sort of falling down, you're not getting to do the work that you care about. Ask yourself what would feel different? You know, are there... are you sitting in back to back meetings all day and you feel like you're not able to get anything done? And what can you do about that? Can you talk to your boss and say, "Hey, I'm in meetings all day. I've identified two that I really just don't think I need to be in and I feel like I could have so much more impact if I spent those two hours doing something else." You know, it's finding the things that hold you back and then proposing small solutions that might make things incrementally better. Right? Sometimes we're not able to get our best work done, because we need to collaborate with another team that isn't showing up as we need them to. So can you pull somebody? Can you sit down with someone on the other team and just say, "Hey, is there a better way for me to request the data that I need from you?" Or is there a better way, you know, but it's about having the conversations being a participant in finding the solutions, but those are the types of things that I would look for under the deliver pillar.

Scott Anthony Barlow 15:35
That's really, first of all, thank you for your exact language and an example. That's super helpful. And second of all, I think that when you're talking about those areas that are not working, I think it's really easy to point out what those areas are that are not working, it's much more difficult to be able to identify potential solutions, and then go and do something to impact that. So I so appreciate you saying that and just wanted to notate that and any other examples that you have for these pillars where we can demonstrate, you know, here's how you would go to your boss, or here's how you'd go to another team member that's super helpful to make that impact.

Rachel Cooke 16:13
Yeah, so let's do one in develop, right. It's all about developing new skills. And I think for a lot of people that translates to, like, I need to go to a four day training program, or I need an executive coach. And the truth is, there are a million ways that we can find development, and maybe your company isn't investing in really rigorous programs right now. But hey, is there a project that you want to get a chance to have your hands on? Is there a committee you can ask to sit on? Is there something that you watch your boss do that you would like to suggest that you take off of his or her plate, right? Hey, you know, I watched you deliver this weekly report to your boss every week, can I help you put that together? Can I lead a team meeting? Right? It's about finding small ways to challenge yourself within the confines of your everyday work and asking for what you want. But not "Hey, can you give me $10,000, so I can go to this conference?" I mean, if the money's there, go for it. But don't let yourself off the hook and say, "Well, if I can't go to this $10,000 conference, I'm just not getting development." It's about being creative, and finding ways to challenge yourself and grow your skills that are easy, they're easy for your boss to say 'yes' to. How could your boss say, "No, I prefer to do this heavy lift myself, you go back to your desk." right? It's sort of a can't lose situation. So that's the type of example I would look for there.

Scott Anthony Barlow 17:32
Well, I think what's really interesting about that, too, is after you build a behavior pattern of doing that, what people don't think about is their training their boss or training their co workers to be able to be responsive to that. And after you do a couple of those smaller requests, you're starting to build a track record, you're starting to build a pattern of behavior, and they're expecting more of that. And then it's easier to go to the "Hey, can we use this $20,000 for development or whatever it might be?" It's so much easier to take that bridge from there.

Rachel Cooke 17:59
Totally, that is exactly right. That is exactly right. It is about creating small wins and building momentum along the way so that over time you gain permission to maybe ask for bigger ones.

Scott Anthony Barlow 18:11
Yeah. Okay, this is so good. Let's do another pillar.

Rachel Cooke 18:13
Oh, okay. So Connect. I think connection has always been important. But it is at the top of my list right now. There's so many people who are feeling so disconnected. And I think that we need to be intentional, I think what's most important is that we don't default to assume that connection only happens in one way, that there are zoom happy hours. And if I don't join the zoom, no, people are exhausted. Everybody needs something different. Right. And there are some people right now who are working and homeschooling their kids, and they've got toddlers and then there are other people who are maybe in a different phase of life, and they live by themselves and their kids are grown and they're lonely. So you know, finding ways to connect with people and ask them you know, what do you need, you know, if you yourself are feeling disconnected, what can you ask for? How can you role model reaching out, checking in with somebody asking for help? I think that's a really important thing to do, but also staying connected not just to individuals and not just to community but also feeling connected to purpose. So if you take a look around at how you've just spent your day, can you see how whatever tasks you've done, actually drive whatever impact your company is delivering? Or do you feel like you've just spent your day doing a whole bunch of busy work that just feels really disconnected? And if you can't find that connection, go talk to your boss, go talk to a colleague, but ask them "Hey, help me understand like, listen, we're in financial services and as a company I think it's amazing that we help consumers you know, get access to loans so they can buy a home or you know, they finance that they can retire" but like "I spend six hours a day in this spreadsheet that feels pretty mundane and administrative, like am I adding value here?" You know, find ways to really check and by the way, if you are spending six hours a day on something that isn't adding value, can you find a way to simplify that a little bit so that you can get a little bit more time back and do something that makes you feel a little bit more connected to customers, you know, do some customer research or do some, you know, whatever would make you feel more connected to purpose, but being mindful of how connected do you currently feel, and what can you do to take one small step in the right direction.

Scott Anthony Barlow 20:23
I think that's so powerful. And the research around all of that is unequivocal, all the studies, every single one that I've seen supports that if you cannot directly see and connect how what you're doing is making an impact, then it's not going to feel fulfilling for very long, there's going to be an expiration or a honeymoon period that wears off, and then it's going to not be particularly rewarding in any way whatsoever. So I appreciate you pointing that out. Okay, we have one pillar left here.

Rachel Cooke 20:52
We have one left. Oh, and it is thrive and thriving is really just about like if everything else is getting you to baseline, thriving is where you're kind of soaring. So this to me is about boundaries. It's about feeling recognized, right? It's about feeling like people would feel your absence if you weren't there. If you feel like you're burning the candle at both ends, and you're burning out, can you talk to your boss? Can you ask for help? Can you ask for the boundaries that you need him or her to respect? Or if you feel like you're giving it your all and you're just kind of being taken for granted, can you ask for recognition? And you don't have to call it recognition, you know, you don't have to say "Listen, I've been working hard. So I would like some extra cash or a reward here." Now that can feel really uncomfortable. But what you can do is sit down with your boss and say, "Hey, I've really been putting my all into this project. And I just don't feel like I've heard much. I wonder if you have any feedback from me, you know, how's it going?" And a lot of times what will happen is your boss will say something like, "Oh my gosh, you know, I'm so sorry, I've been so focused on the people who've been underperforming, I just haven't had a chance to come back and tell you like, hey, you're doing an amazing job." Or if there's a chance that you're putting your all into a piece of work, and it's actually not being well received, then it gives your boss a chance to give you that feedback. But either way, if you're not feeling recognized, asking for it, or asking for feedback to help you understand what could get you recognized, and also letting your boss know or your peers know how you like to be recognized. You know, some people like a public celebrations, some people just want to quiet email, some people see recognition as you know, when I'm doing great work, I feel recognized when other people seek out my expertise, you know, recognition comes in many forms. And so reflecting on how you like to experience it, and then asking for it and also role modeling it, those are some great ways to turn up the dial on that one.

Scott Anthony Barlow 22:46
And I think that's a really common theme for every area that you've mentioned so far. Whether it's recognition, or whether it's how you connect back what work you're doing to having an impact or any other area, it looks different for every single person. And recognition is such a great example of that. Because I have met many people over the years where they have a negative association with recognition based on some of you know, how they were raised. And like, I don't need no recognition. I don't know why that voice comes out. That should what it came from. However, yeah, that's real. And understanding that it looks drastically different per person, it can be so useful, because then you can go and have that conversation that you're talking about and say, "Hey, look, here's what I need." And you know, here's a good example. And I'm super curious to ask what works for you too. But for me, part of recognition is having conversations with people where they will confide in me, and would never tell what they're telling me to anybody else. Like I've had that happen with so many co-workers over the years. And that's something that I love. I love being in that... I love that having the relationship that leads to that. And that's when I feel recognized where they're sharing things they wouldn't share with anyone else. And that was a great space in HR, like that worked really well as an HR partner in some cases. But so what is it for you?

Rachel Cooke 24:03
Yeah, so for me, it's not about glory, it's not about thank you, the greatest way you can recognize me is when we're having a conversation and you say something like, "Oh, I hadn't thought about it that way" or, "Oh, I hadn't realized that." But you give me a verbal indication that through our conversations, something has unlocked for you. That is the greatest gift you can give me.

Scott Anthony Barlow 24:26
I love that and I appreciate you sharing.

Rachel Cooke 24:27
Of course.

Scott Anthony Barlow 24:28
That is really helpful. And thank you for going into all of the examples. Something else that I wanted to ask you, just in our last little bit here is, you know, if you're... well let's go back to that maybe even pre six years ago, you're in that position, where you are not getting what you need, whether it is growth, whether it is any of these four pillars, any piece of any of these four pillars, you know, what advice would you give that person who's there and recognize that they're not getting what they want?

Rachel Cooke 24:59
The biggest piece of advice I can give to anybody is, if you're not getting what you need, do not sit back and say, "Well, I guess my company is failing me, I guess the organization is failing me, I guess my boss is failing me." I would challenge you to... now sometimes that is true, right? You might be in a toxic environment, you might not have a career path. But before you make that decision, I would really challenge you to sit back and say, "Well, if they're not going to do it, what can I do for myself?" And really think that through and sort of implement as many tests and experiments as you can before you decide to call it.

Scott Anthony Barlow 25:38
Rachel, thank you for not just the advice, but thank you for unlocking a few pieces for me. And this has been incredible. I also want to find out where can people go if they want to get more Rachel? If they have to have more Rachel, how can people do that?

Rachel Cooke 25:54
Wow, two places. I am the host of the Modern Mentor podcast, you can find that wherever you get your podcasts or you can go to my website, which is leadabovenoise.com. And I will just say really quickly, for anybody who is either a people leader or an aspiring people leader, go ahead to leadabovenoise.com/simple. We are running a free six week challenge designed to help you simplify what you do in order to amplify what you deliver.

Scott Anthony Barlow 26:22
Why does making a career change feel risky to so many people? I mean, I get it, if you're in an organization where the pay is great, or the benefits are awesome, or you have the flexibility that you want to continue to have. Or maybe even the people are absolutely wonderful, and you're afraid of losing all of that. Here's the thing, even if you're not really happy with the job, and not really happy with the situation, then what goes through so many of our heads is, is it worth taking the risk on a new career and possibly losing all the good parts? Have you ever considered why it feels risky to you? Now, I would argue two things. One, that after doing this many, many years, not just the podcast, but helping thousands of people through career change, we don't typically see that people are losing all the good parts, that we see that that rarely, rarely ever happens. And instead, I would argue that the far larger risk is the risk of doing nothing and staying for more years of your life in a situation that's no longer good for you.

Stephanie 27:38
I don't like interpersonal conflict. I don't know who does but I'm like, risk, it's my kryptonite. But man, did it get me out of my comfort zone, did it challenge me, did it keep me on my toes, that got me in a better space to be broader in the way that I was thinking and just more welcoming of discomfort?

Scott Anthony Barlow 28:01
That's Stephanie. She worked for years in a community college environment, and was plagued by an aversion to risk. I think it's pretty safe to say she was comfortably unhappy in her role. Now once she finally saw the writing on the wall, she decided to face her fears and embrace the unknown to find her ideal role. Now here's the really crazy thing. If we fast forward to what happened at the end of her change, she ended up surpassing her own expectations by a longshot in terms of salary and what was possible, for her and her happiness in her career. All that and plenty more next week right here on Happen To Your Career. Make sure that you don't miss it. And if you haven't already, click Subscribe on your podcast player so that you can download this podcast in your sleep, and you get it automatically. Even the bonus episodes every single week, sometimes multiple times a week. Until next week. Adios. I'm out.

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Alexandra Carter: How To Make Conversations And Negotiations Work For You

on this episode

Many college graduates never actually work in the field of study. Alternatively, for those that are able to land a job in their field, the honeymoon phase wears off and then they start to feel like they were meant to do something else entirely.

Alexandra Carter shares how to cultivate relationships, identify what really brings you joy, and then learn to apply negotiation skills to build a bridge to the role that fits you.

What you’ll learn

  • What to do when the “honeymoon phase” is over (and you realize your career is not your passion)
  • How you can go from a career that you’re  not happy with, in your chosen field – to doing what you truly feel you’re meant to do
  • Why it’s important to be transparent when we are negotiating
  • How building relationships helps when negotiating for a new role

Success Stories

I have worked my entire career in behemoth companies (Hershey, Kraft, Pepsi), but I never felt like my creativity could really be stretched. I was often told I have great ideas but there was no way they would happen. So I found myself really discouraged and wanting a more challenging, creative career. And to top it off, I’m making almost $40,000 more a year. I certainly don’t expect that kind of increase every time I make a career move, but I knew my skill value and what I bring to the table. I held my own and negotiated. Now my salary is on par with my male colleagues.

Julie Laughter , Senior Manager, Sustainability

Thank you for guiding me through the negotiation process of asking for a raise. Even in this economy you convinced me to follow through. I also appreciate your thoughts on what I should include in my portfolio; it made the difference in the value added that I was able to present to my supervisor.

Ken Russell, Career Placement Coordinator, United States/Canada

Exactly 5 weeks from when I arrived in Canada I got a full time job, negotiated a higher salary and within the next 3 days I got another offer that pays 33% more. I am happy and very thankful to you, for you gave me support when I was looking and offered great tips.

Ingrid , United States/Canada

I was able to negotiate a higher salary, accepted the offer and I can not be happier! You truly helped make this process as painless as possible! I would (and will) recommend your services to anyone and everyone looking for a new job (or current job pay raise).

Kevin Larsen, Manager of Maintenance, United States/Canada

Alexandra Carter 00:01

And then the first time I went into a New York City courtroom, and I sat down with two people and helped them work something out, it was like I heard a voice like, Morgan Freeman's voice coming down from the heavens saying, "This is it. Alex, you have found the thing that you should do for the rest of your life."

Introduction 00:25

This is the Happen To Your Career podcast, with Scott Anthony Barlow. We help you stop doing work that doesn't fit you, figure out what does and make it happen. We help you define the work that's unapologetically you, and then go get it. If you're ready to make a change, keep listening. Here's Scott. Here's Scott. Here's Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 00:49

There's so many college graduates that never actually work in their field of study. On the flip side, there are those that are able to capitalize on the years of hard work in college to land a job in their field. But sometimes when they do that the honeymoon phase wears off. And then they start to feel like they were meant to do something else entirely.

Alexandra Carter 01:09

So I went out. I worked as a lawyer for a period of time that I never forgot. And I worked steadily in my off hours to find ways to build my expertise. Until the moment that Columbia hired me back to teach the course that I took as a student. I am one of those unicorns, who wakes up every day and thinks I truly am doing what I was meant to do on this earth.

Scott Anthony Barlow 01:35

That's Alexandra Carter. Alex is a clinical professor of law and is a world renowned negotiation trainer who's helped thousands of people listen to she shares, how to cultivate relationships and identify what really brings you joy. And then learn to apply negotiation skills that help you build a bridge to a role that really actually fits you. Hey, by the way, you might have noticed that we have been doing quite a few negotiation episodes back to back, because it's something we really haven't done on the podcast before extensively. And it's such a big part of creating a career and a life that you actually want. So take a listen to Alex, this is such a great episode. I think you'll love it.

Alexandra Carter 02:15

So I would say I was always a communicator, you know, it's interesting, as a kid, I was really socially shy. But I found that when I had something to say, I really wanted to say it. So if I was active in political work, or there was a cause I was working for that would help me overcome that shyness and get to know people. So gradually, I think I got more comfortable, you know, speaking in public, really flourishing as a communicator during college, you know, then I went to law school, I still Scott had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. And I'd done fine. I was at Columbia Law School, I had gotten in, I was doing relatively well in my classes. But it wasn't until my last year[a] there, that a friend of mine, this is how these major career moments happen. A friend of mine pulls me aside and says, "Hey, Alex. I just took this class, it's called mediation, it involves a lot of talking, I think you'd be great at it." And so I signed up based on that for this course. And this is where I learned that mediation is a process where a third person basically helps people negotiate better, helps them get out of conflict, or helps them make a deal. And when I tell you, Scott, I got trained. And then the first time I went into a New York City courtroom, and I sat down with two people and helped them work something out, it was like I heard a voice like, Morgan Freeman's voice coming down from the heavens saying, "This is it. Alex, you have found the thing that you should do for the rest of your life." I know! It really was that moment, except you can't graduate from law school and become a mediation professor, you have to get experience. So I went out, I worked as a lawyer for a period of time, but I never forgot. And I worked steadily in my off hours to find ways to build my expertise. Until the moment that Columbia hired me back to teach the course that I took as a student, I am one of those unicorns, who wakes up every day and thinks I truly am doing what I was meant to do on this earth.

Scott Anthony Barlow 02:27

That is amazing. And as you might imagine, I love that for many different reasons. What took place, I'm super curious, what took place in there to get to the point where Columbia hired you back to teach that course there must be something in there I'm guessing it wasn't just a took the course and then you know, X number of years later, they pick up the phone and they're like, "Alex! Hey, come on over. This is... yeah"

Alexandra Carter 05:00

"This is Columbia, we have all these people who have a lot more experience than you. But come on over anyway." Yeah. So great, great question. After that moment, you know, I tried everything I could, while I was a student to get as much mediation experience as possible. And at graduation, my professor pulled me aside, and she said, "I want you to know, I've had many students over the years, you are one of the very most talented I have ever taught." She kind of spoke that into being for me, she saw excellence, and she recognized it in me. And it caused me to pursue this as a potential career path in the future. And so, Scott, I went on to work at a law firm, where I was putting in 80 hour weeks, I mean, I didn't have a lot of spare time. But in one moment, after I delivered on a project early, I went into my boss, and I said, "Hi, I finished this early. And here's the forum, I'd like you to sign saying that you're going to give me one morning every month to mediate in the local court." And so I had just delivered on time, I put the paper on her desk, she looked at me for a second, and she signed the paper. So I used a moment of leverage to say, "I really want to do this, I'm pro bono work, this charity work, where I'm going to mediate cases for people who can't afford lawyers, I'm going to do this every month. And I started to build my experience back, I kept in touch with my professor. And I tried to make relationships, Scott, every stage of my life, what has helped me get from one thing to the next has been relationships. And so keeping in touch with people at Columbia, and asking people for advice on how to transition to a professor role, is really part of what helped me get there.

Scott Anthony Barlow 06:49

I so appreciate you sharing that. Because the I have found that the unicorn type positions are absolutely available. And they don't ever happen purely by accident.

Alexandra Carter 07:00

They don't. I think it's a two part formula, if I could share that. One is relationships. So the first is relationships. And the second is I give this advice to students all the time, they say, "how do I find the thing that's going to make me feel like you do everyday at work?" And I tell them to look at the moments over the past month or for the next month,[b] where they feel the most joy, the most flow or that their gifts and talents are being put to the highest purpose, and then write down what they're doing at the time. You know, I think sometimes Scott, people get caught up in the labels. They're like, "Should I be a litigator or an intellectual property lawyer? Should I be a consultant? Or should I be a business executive?" And instead, I encourage people to focus on the verbs, focus on what it is you are doing when you are getting the most joy. And for me, the times that I felt the most joy was when I was mediating, when I was helping people using my communication skills to work things out for themselves. And also, when I was teaching, I had the chance to teach a couple of sections of a class while I was a student at Columbia Law School. And it was just the most incredible feeling of joy I had outside of the classroom. And so when you take teaching, and mediating and you put them together, I'm a mediation professor. And it all makes sense.

Scott Anthony Barlow 08:29

It does all make sense. I think there's one other element there too, to stack on top of your two part formula that we're creating here, you in your book and asked for more, you introduce this concept of steering. And I think that not only does this concept of steering apply to this situation, where you're perpetually steering your way back into the type of role or type of opportunity that works for you, but also, as it relates to many different things. So first of all, can you share the metaphor and analogy that I know that you teach about as it relates to Syria and Kayaks?

Alexandra Carter 09:06

Yeah, absolutely. So it's interesting, because I just said, I think my two part formula for finding your career happiness is relationships and sort of thinking of the verbs, right thinking of what you love to do. And in fact, the way I teach negotiation is that it's steering relationships. So I used to think Scott, back when I was a young professional, I was told the same thing, everybody else was told that negotiation is like a back and forth with two people or more over money. And it's something you do right before you get to an agreement. That's negotiation. So if you need to buy a car, God forbid, or you know you are signing up a client or you're trying to get more money at work, that's what you do. And then I went to Hawaii on my honeymoon. And I got an a Kayak on the Wailua river and this guide of the head turned around and said, "Please negotiate your Kayaks to the left, so we can wind up on that beach over there." And that was the moment Scott that my brain clicked. And I remembered, there's more than one way to think about negotiation. When I am negotiating a Kayak toward a gorgeous beach. And don't we all wish we were doing that at this moment, what am I doing? I'm steering. And I realized then that every conversation I had with somebody, it's not just the money conversations, it's not just the once a year, you know, transactional conversations, every conversation I have, is an opportunity to steer that relationship. And when I thought about negotiation that way, not only did it make me really dread it less, because it seemed so much less about just money and so much more about people. But it also piloted me forward. I realized, for example, that if I'm steering relationships, what's the most important relationship of my life, it's the one I have with myself, whether it's walking into a potential deal, or whether it's thinking about your career and where you're going, that's a negotiation. And it starts at home with you.

Scott Anthony Barlow 11:18

Love it for so many different reasons. And not just the visual image of kayaking in Hawaii. However, I find that it's, first of all, I had never thought about it that way until I read that line. And then, you know, mark that in your book, I like to mark stuff up. And for those who can't see, I have her book labeled with sticky notes left and right. And...

Alexandra Carter 11:41

They are also color coded.

Scott Anthony Barlow 11:42

They are also color coded. Yes. To your point. That said, though, you know, I think that that's a much more useful way to think about it, because some of the existing definitions and I want to say that this was also mentioned someplace in the book too, some of the use... existing definitions that are out there in how we think of negotiating just are not that useful to most people. They look nice on, you know, Webster.com or Merriam.com but they're just not that functional or useful. So, tell me a little bit about why you believe that this is a much more useful definition or way to think about it. How does this help in reality?

Alexandra Carter 12:22

Let me give you a good example. So let's take somebody who's looking for a job, for example, right, something that might be highly relevant to your listenership. If you're thinking about the old definition of negotiation, which is you're going back and forth over money, then you're not negotiating until the moment you get the job offer, that's really too late to be steering your relationship with that person, I would want to be teaching that person how to value me, how to think about me and my expertise from the moment of my first conversation. I want to be intentionally steering that relationship, painting a picture with my words of who I am, what my values are, and what I have to contribute. And I want that for your listeners, I don't want you to feel like you have to wait until the money comes up to teach somebody how to value you. When you start earlier, you'll approach that conversation with more intentionality. And you will set yourself up for better results when you do get to the money.

Scott Anthony Barlow 13:27

So I think that's a perfect example, let's take someone we're working with right now, I won't share her name. However, let's just call her Jenny for the moment. So Jenny's right in the situation where I think she's done a pretty great job of understanding what she wants. And she's just starting to meet with people like real people in organizations, where she's getting to have interactions in pretty likely eventually, those will lead to the actual formal offer, and what most people think about when negotiation begins. But to your point, it doesn't actually begin that or whether you want to do or not. It begins far, far for that, especially if you're looking at it with the steering metaphor. So let's use Jenny for just a moment here. And let's say okay, what are some of the real world pieces for how we can steer that conversation?

Alexandra Carter 14:19

First of all, if you've been working with Jenny already, then I feel confident that she's tackled the first part of the negotiation, the big part, which is steering yourself. So if I'm in Jenny shoes, you know, I'm thinking about asking myself some really good questions, because Scott, you know, one piece that we haven't filled in for your listeners yet, is people often wonder, well, what's the best way to steer these conversations, Alex? Are you talking about me making the most arguments? And I'm not... the people who negotiate the best, the people who steer most effectively are the people who ask the right questions. And it starts by asking yourself the right questions. So that you arrive to those interviews, you picked out the right interviews from a place of clarity and confidence. So if I were Jenny, I would be sitting down to ask myself, "Okay, first of all, what's the problem I want to solve? You know, what is it that I am looking to accomplish with this job search?" And I'd be thinking about this holistically, not just in terms of a salary, not just in terms of a next move, but in terms of a larger path. Where does this fit in? So and then I would be thinking about my needs, what I call the tangibles and the intangibles, you know, the tangible Scott right are the obvious, you know, I need this amount in salary. I'd like this title. Tangibles are the things that we can, you know, see, touch or count that type of thing. Intangibles are often ignored, but they are the values that give our lives meaning. So I be asking Jenny, if I were working with her, so in addition to the salary, like, "What are the things that you need? What are the values?" you know, and if Jenny said to me, "I need a sense of mission in my work. I need to be at a place where I can always be a learner." I would be writing all of those things down. And then I would ask her, "Oay, Jenny, so what does being connected to the mission look like for you?" And we try as much as we could to make those concrete so that by the time then that Jenny is arriving at the moment, where she's serving the market and figuring out who to meet with, she's doing that from a rock solid place of knowing herself, and what she's out to accomplish at this point in life. I'll pause there to take any questions or comments. Because otherwise, I'm just gonna roll right into what I think she would do in those meetings.

Scott Anthony Barlow 16:49

In doing this type of process with few thousands folks, I think that if we just roll right into the next piece, then it's easy to underrate what you have just talked about, and I heard you say it's the most important, but it really is the most important on so many different levels, just because how are you going to be able to steer if you don't know where you're going in... at a really simplistic level. So I appreciate your pointing that out. So what happens next, as a relates to Jenny?

Alexandra Carter 17:20

Yeah, so what happens next is that Jenny's going out, and she's meeting with people. And what I would advise her to do is to focus on the questions that she is asking of those other people. You know, a lot of times we assume that success in a job interview, which by the way, is fully a negotiation. Okay, it's a negotiation long before you get to the money. We assume that that's about you know, all about making your points. But really, a lot of it is about listening. And so I would be asking really open questions. My favorite, of course, the two magic words that change everything is, tell me... I'd be saying, Scott, "Tell me what brought you to this organization. Tell me what you need most at this point in time from this position. Tell me the last star you hired and what made her so effective?" I love 'Tell me' questions because it's the broadest possible question you can ask on any subject. When people come to me in mediation, I don't open by saying to them, "How much money do you want?" I say, "Tell me what's brought you here?" Because that's the way that I get the most information. I start generating some trust, and they can tell me what I need to know, in order to figure out where the target is that I need to hit. You know, I got an email Scott from a woman about 10 days ago[c]. I don't know her. She wrote me an email from my website to tell me that, tell me landed her a job in the middle of Coronavirus, she said "It was magic. I just went into the interview. I kept asking them to tell me about various aspects of the job." She said, "I spent more time listening than I did talking. And at the end, they said they were absolutely bowled over and they made me an immediate offer." So it's really magic for opening up those conversations.

Scott Anthony Barlow 19:18

I think I also am a huge fan of 'tell me' questions, even though they're not really questions as you point out too. It's even more magic built in. I think that something jumps into my mind that I heard probably 20 years ago[d], way back when I was learning to coach and I had this person who is facilitating the training and she pointed out I didn't remember what exactly what the training was about or what else was going on. But she pointed out that giving people your undivided attention is one of the biggest gifts that you can give others at this day and age and this was 20 years ago. It's even more so now. And one of the I love the 'tell me' questions. And love what you've already brought up about how they work so effectively is because you're doing that at the same time, you're offering almost a gateway to provide that gift. And it's really for you too, because then you understand so much more and have that information and can put together a more successful discourse. But for that reason, and many more, so I appreciate you pointing out the 'tell me' questions. And it's so much more efficient too.

Alexandra Carter 20:29

It really is, you know, you think about it in the book, I talk about it like fishing with a giant commercial net versus fishing with a line. If you ask a bunch of you know, closed questions, you know, at most you're getting one fish at a time, right? With one 'tell me' question, you're doing the list of like 10 others, it's really efficient. And also it does when you give somebody that attention, guess what? They want to do deals with you, they want to spend more time with you. And that can only be a great thing going forward.

Scott Anthony Barlow 21:00

So tell me about the other side of the title here, because the book name has "Ask for More: 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything", but we haven't even talked about the questions yet. Well, we've alluded to them a little bit. But help me understand that the question is, especially as it relates to the idea of the mirror in the window.

Alexandra Carter 21:19

Yeah, sure. So few minutes ago, when we talked about Jenny and her job search, and I was saying that, you know, it starts at home with her, that is the portion of negotiation that I call the mirror, you know, Scott, and this is the number one mistake, I would say that I find people make, even if they're pretty senior in their career, you know, their UN diplomats, their managers, 10, 15 years[e] into their practice, they don't quite know the right questions to ask themselves to steer that internal conversation. And so a couple of the questions I mentioned for Jenny, thinking about what's the problem I want to solve, you know, start by diagnosing the problem or figuring out which beach you want to end up on, before you start paddling and putting in all that effort, or thinking about what it is that you need both the tangible and the intangible. Those are examples of questions that I call the mirror, you know, and Scott, sometimes I think people wonder, I can tell they're looking at me, not you, but others. They're looking at me and we're thinking, "Alex, you know, the sounds great. Do I really have time for this?" Like, you know...

Scott Anthony Barlow 22:29

Nobody has time for this, Alex.

Alexandra Carter 22:31

Alex, it's a pandemic, you know. And what I want to tell people is, "You don't have time not to." It's actually less time than you think. I go through these questions myself. And these days, I can ask myself, the five mirror questions that are in "Ask for More" in 15 minutes, the number one comment I've gotten, I've done these questions with executives all over the world is, "I can't believe how little time it took to save me enormous amounts of time on the back end." So that is the mirror it's asking yourself question. And then once you sit down with somebody else, whether it's in person or over zoom these days, the whole other subject, right, negotiating virtually, you know, you are trying to open up a window between you and somebody else. And so tell me, is the first example of a question that I would use in any situation. And you know, Scott, because you read the book that I give personal examples with my daughter, as well as examples from work as to how effective that question is. So those are the two sections in the book. Five are the mirror and five questions are the window.

Scott Anthony Barlow 23:38

What do you believe that... as you think, let's go back to Jenny situation for just a bit here. And, yes, negotiation absolutely starts early on, right. We've made that point. I think that people pretty well, I understand that. But what if people are coming late to the game in how they're thinking about this? What if Jenny situation was slightly different? And Jenny has been further along in the process, maybe she has somewhat of an idea of what she wants, but she's getting ready to receive a job offer. How does this situation change for and what advice would you give if people are finding themselves in that stage? And maybe they're open to thinking about it holistically, but now they're coming a little bit late to the game?

Alexandra Carter 24:25

Yeah, absolutely. So first of all, it's never too late to teach someone how to value you. I've had people hear a talk of mine or hear me on a podcast after getting a job offer and saying, "I think this looks great." And then they hear and they read and they think I need to go back in and start to talk to them about the future and more than I'm going to need, never too late. So here's what I would do. I would return if you get the job offer. Okay, so Jenny gets this offer. I would ask a lot of questions about it. Right? So instead of feeling pressure in the moment to respond right there, I would take it piece by piece and say, "Alright, so this is the salary. Tell me more about what this represents. Here are the other components. Okay. Talk to me about this and how this normally works at the company." Alright, then I would go back, I would examine it, Jenny can at that point, look at, "Alright, what do I need? I'm going to write down what it is that I'm looking for. So I can be really grounded when I go in. And then I'm going to go in, and I'm going to ask for what I need." And I wonder if Jenny might be like, some of your other listeners, and is worried she's going to get a 'No' I think a lot of women in particular fear the No. Right? Like is if somebody says no, that means it's a referendum on our worthiness as a person. And it means that we need to crawl out of the office and never speak of it again. Absolutely not. If Jenny gets a 'No,' I want her simply to ask this question. "What are your concerns?" I actually worked with an executive. So she's probably now, let's say 20 years[f] into her career, okay? She is at a company, she gets a promotion. And she's asking for money. And they say, no. They go back and forth. She asks them, what are your concerns, and they tell her eventually, "We're at the very top of the band for this position, we really want to make it work, we're hoping there might be something else." So she went and said to them, "What other ideas do you have to get me to the place where we can make this appropriate for my position?" And they said, "Well, some other buckets we have might be travel money." So this executive went back to the drawing board. And she looked, and she realized that this new job was going to take her away from her husband for two weeks out of every month[g] across the country. So she went back and said, "I'd like for my husband to join me on one trip a month, for the week. All expenses paid, you know, put up with me." And they said, "Absolutely. You got it." Asking what people's concerns are sometimes can help you turn a no into a yes. But even if it doesn't, it tells you another way to get something else you need.

Scott Anthony Barlow 27:24

I love it. Thank you so much for providing the language as well, I think that is so helpful to be able to take this from a theoretical standpoint, and turn it into action too. What do you believe are some of the biggest missed opportunities, especially when we're at this type of situation that we've just mentioned with Jenny as an example, or the other situation with the executive that you were talking about? What do you think are some of the those biggest missed opportunities for people?

Alexandra Carter 27:55

Yeah, sometimes I think people feel timing pressure, that they don't need to feel, you know, I would tell your listeners, Scott, to really use timing to your advantage. If somebody has made you an offer, they want you. And unless there are extraordinary circumstances, they're only going to watch you more if you take a little bit of time to really consider your offer. And so I would urge people not to make the mistake of thinking that you need to immediately respond. You know, Scott, this actually, I went through this when I negotiated my first salary and believe it or not, because of the jobs I've held, I negotiated my first salary in my 30s. And I went in, I had my power suit on, I was super nervous. And they came in slightly above what I was expecting. And I could tell that they thought I might answer on the spot. But I managed to keep my face neutral. And I said, "Let me run my numbers. Thank you so much." Great start to the conversation. You're making the gesture that's, you know, that's like, you know, keep the game face on. And so I did that. And I'm so glad I did. Because I received advice that changed my whole life. I left the office that day, I didn't know what to do. So I call the senior woman in the field. This gets to the second mistake that people sometimes make. And I said to her, "So I got this great offer. Should I just take it? It's more than what I thought." And she said, "I'm going to tell you what to do, Alex. You're going to go in there, and you're going to ask for more." And I said, "I'm gonna ask for more?" And she said, "Yes. Because when you teach someone how to value you, you teach him how to value all of us. And so if you're not going to go in there and do it for yourself, I want you to do it for the woman who is coming after you, do it for the sisterhood." And that gets to the second thing, Scott, the second mistake people make which is that thinking, asking for more is a selfish act, when it is not. When you ask for more and stand in your value, you make it easier for the next woman who's coming after you. So take your time. And remember that knowing your value is a community service, it really helps other people.

Scott Anthony Barlow 30:23

I so appreciate that on many different levels, one, addressing the mindset that has a tendency to pop up around asking for more, and that is selfish, it is not. And I find that it's difficult to help other people in any way, any group of people at any time from a place of scarcity. That is, it's a really difficult thing to do. But when you are able to not just ask for more, but obtain more for yourself in one way or another, that gives you a different ability to be able to share that in a variety of different ways. So I really, really appreciate you pointing that out, saying that sharing that story, too. I know we are... I feel like this conversation could go like five or six hours here. And we wouldn't run out of things to talk about. However, I know that we're getting close on time here. And I wanted to just ask what parting advice would you have for our listeners, as it relates to thinking about negotiation holistically. And not just... we've pretty well covered a lot of things centered around job offer and leading up to job offer. But from a more holistic standpoint, which I know you're a huge fan of, what what advice would you give to HTYCers out there?

Alexandra Carter 31:46

Absolutely. I think that negotiations, whether they are at work or at home, they operate best when we're transparent. And that means, first of all, being really transparent with yourself, I think, Scott, in this age of Instagram filters, it's so easy to want to put a filter on ourselves. And I've worked with so many people who when I ask what they need, they write down what other people think they should need. So the first step really is to get transparent with yourself and write down things as they are, as you are really get to know and to value yourself. That knowledge is your seat of power in negotiation. And then when you're approaching other people, if you do it from a place of transparency, it's amazing what kind of results you get. I've coached people in, you know, who were asking for a job promotion. And they didn't realize that they could just go in and say, "I know it's a pandemic. But I want you to know how much I love working for this company. And someday I see myself in a leadership role. And I'm here today to ask you how we can work together to get there." That kind of transparency makes people trust you. And when they trust you, they want to be in community with you, you know, and the same transparency that I, you know, tried to execute on and the office, I carry it over into my most treasured personal relationships with my husband, my daughter and my family. And I find that when I speak plainly, and I speak from the heart, those are the conversations that produce the most fruit. And so I guess that's what I like to leave your listeners with that most human beings at our hearts want the same thing, which is people we can trust. And if you are somebody who gains people's trust, you are a great negotiator.

Scott Anthony Barlow 33:51

That is amazing, and also a great place to leave it. I also want to point out that if you're not transparent with yourself, and you're putting down other people's, what they think you should be asking for, then that means you're going to get the unicorn job for someone else.

Alexandra Carter 34:08

That's so right.

Scott Anthony Barlow 34:10

That doesn't help anybody as it turns out. So hey, I really appreciate you taking the time and making the time and this has been a ton of fun. You're delightful by the way. I'm so glad we got to have this time. And thank you for writing a great book. There's a lot of books, I've read a lot of books, but I genuinely enjoyed it. And I would recommend going and get it if you're listening to this out there "Ask for More: 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything" was wonderful and well worth the read regardless of whether or not you are in a job offer negotiation or anything else right this very moment. Thank you.

Alexandra Carter 34:43

Well, thank you, Scott. This has been just like a conversation between friends and I've really enjoyed it and I look forward to staying in touch.

Scott Anthony Barlow 34:50

Absolutely. Where else can people go if they're interested in either the book or you?

Alexandra Carter 34:56

Absolutely. So, you know, by the way, I tell people that any time we train together, they're now my colleagues for life. And so I insist that people stay in touch with me, tell me everything you're doing, you can find me on my website, alexcarterasks.com, and you can also find me on Instagram, on LinkedIn, and very reluctantly on Twitter.

Scott Anthony Barlow 35:22

Most of our episodes on Happen To Your Career often showcase stories of people that have identified and found and take steps to get to work that they are absolutely enamored with, that matches their strengths, and is really what they want in their lives. And if that's something that you're ready to begin taking steps towards, that is awesome, you can actually get on the phone with us and our team. And we can have a conversation to find the very best way that we can help. It's super informal. And we try to understand what your goals are, where you want to go, and what specifically you need our help with. And then we figure out the very best type of help for you, whatever that looks like, and sometimes even customize that type of help. And then we make happen, really easy way to schedule a conversation with our team is just go to scheduleaconversation.com, that's scheduleaconversation.com and find a time that works best for you, we'll ask you a few questions as well. And then we'll get you on the phone and figure out how we can get you going to work that you really want to be doing that fits your strengths, that you love, and you're enamored with. Hey, I can't wait to hear from you.

Scott Anthony Barlow 36:44

Okay, so here's something you may have experienced before. You know, you bring value to your organization. You also know, you'd really like to be paid much more than what you're currently making. The real question is, how do you go about asking for it? How do you begin? How do you do it in a way that is actually going to allow you to get what you want?

Justin 37:07

Overall, I think it'll ultimately turn into about a 20% raise over the next few years. So salary wise, it was about a 12% raise. And then, you know, my other forms of compensation will roll in over the next few years. And that'll be another, you know, 8 or 9%. So it's really well worth the effort.

Scott Anthony Barlow 37:29

That's Justin, he's a technical engineer, who came to us for help when he really wanted to negotiate a raise with his company. He'd been approached by recruiters with other companies, but really just wanted to stay with the same organization he was at. He didn't want to make a transition. It's just that he knew that if he went someplace else, he could make so much more. So this was, as you might imagine, quite a predicament. So you're gonna hear Justin, he's gonna tell us a little bit about his career trajectory. But I want you to listen for what he did to be able to stay with the company that he really wanted to be at and make the amount of money that he wanted to have, which, and he did by negotiating his salary, renegotiating his salary, right? He got a raise. Actually, it also happened to be more than the amount that he thought he even wanted. All that and plenty more next week[h] right here on Happen To Your Career. Make sure that you don't miss it. And if you haven't already, click Subscribe on your podcast player so that you can download this podcast in your sleep. And you get it automatically, even the bonus episodes every single week, sometimes multiple times a week. Until next week. Adios. I'm out!

[a][03:06] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[b][07:20] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[c][18:49] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[d][19:34] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[e][21:44] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[g][26:59] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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Negotiation Techniques That Really Work to Maximize Your Job Offer

on this episode

Negotiation can be tricky. When it comes to negotiating a job offer to get more money, it can be even trickier. You’re probably not close to the person from your new company who you’re negotiating against. And you might be scared of blowing the offer by asking for too much. What should you do? This week’s podcast is a bit of a special episode. I’m sharing a recording of a coaching session I had with a client named Jessica, who negotiated her job offer from $130,000… to $380,000. That’s right, she negotiated more than double what they originally offered her. Want to know how she did it? 

Jessica called me, very excited. She had received not one, but two, job offers, both life-altering opportunities. She was psyched, and I was proud of her. The first offer was from a small company that she really wanted to work for, but was asking her to take a pay cut from her prior job. The second offer was from a large company that was offering her a very prestigious role and a raise from her prior job.

No-brainer, right? Take the job with the big company! The problem was that she didn’t really want to work for the big company. She wanted to work for the small company. But she wouldn’t be able to do it unless she could convince the small company to offer her a better compensation package. It was time to negotiate!

What you’ll learn

  • How Jessica felt going into negotiations, and the tactics she used to get her dream offer.
  • The technique she used to work with her new company and successfully negotiate nearly triple her original salary.
  • Why negotiating your job offer makes your new employer want to hire you even more.

Success Stories

Thank you for guiding me through the negotiation process of asking for a raise. Even in this economy you convinced me to follow through. I also appreciate your thoughts on what I should include in my portfolio; it made the difference in the value added that I was able to present to my supervisor.

Ken Russell, Career Placement Coordinator, United States/Canada

I greatly appreciate your help in bringing this along because I wouldn't have had the confidence to negotiate and to be where I am today without the help of a lot of other people. You played a really significant role in it. I'm not going to be that everyday person that hates my job, I'm going to stretch and I'm going to aspire to be better and I'm not going to make that everyday salary. Thank you Scott for putting this out there for all the people that are trying to do a little bit better and trying to go a little bit farther. This is awesome. I love this. This thing that you do, the whole HTYC thing, from the paperwork all the way down to the podcast and just helping people understand that there is success out there and it is attainable but you've got to work for it.

Jerrad Shivers, Market Manager, United States/Canada

I had listened to the Happen To Your Career podcast for several years before reaching out to Scott about getting career coaching. I'd been in my role for nearly 10 years, wanted to stay, but felt like it was time to renegotiate. What I expected/hoped for was maybe a 10% raise MAX, as I was already near the top of my salary range for the area. Scott pushed me to ask for more, helped me feel confident I was worth that ask, and coached me through how that will probably go, what to say, when and how to say it, what not to say, etc. I walked into my boss's office prepared and he knew it. As my request went higher up the chain, they knew it as well. My preparations and HTYC's great coaching paid off, in a few week's turn around time I was given a 20% raise, and renegotiated job duties which will help me enjoy my job even more! I highly recommend both their podcast and coaching services, Scott and his team are the real deal!

Justin, Engineer

Exactly 5 weeks from when I arrived in Canada I got a full time job, negotiated a higher salary and within the next 3 days I got another offer that pays 33% more. I am happy and very thankful to you, for you gave me support when I was looking and offered great tips.

Ingrid , United States/Canada

Scott Anthony Barlow 00:01

After you get some acknowledgment from them, that's where you can jump in and say, "Well, here's one of the major things I'm concerned about right now. If I walk away from my role, this second, I'm essentially leaving $68,000 on the table."

Introduction 00:20

This is the Happen To Your Career podcast, with Scott Anthony Barlow. We help you stop doing work that doesn't fit you, figure out what does and make it happen. We help you define the work that's unapologetically you, and then go get it. If you're ready to make a change, keep listening. Here's Scott. Here's Scott. Here's Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 00:44

Here's a story we hear all the time, you did the work, identified what you wanted, to found a role with an organization that you want to join, you got through all the interviews, you've met everybody, organization was a fit, you nailed it, you got an offer. Woohoo! Except that the offers not quite everything that you were hoping for. Maybe the salaries not quite meeting your expectations. Or maybe it's half the amount of vacation time that you've grown accustomed to. Maybe it doesn't have all the leadership or mentorship capacities that you're interested in, maybe the role itself needs to be modified.

Jessica 01:18

I mean, I know that's a crazy signing bonus. But I'm also like, this is a C suite role[a] and the salary at 130 is just not, see it, like if we do any type of comp analysis, 130 is not what a person of my experience for 15 years[b] to master's degrees, the extent of what the role it's just under. But I also know we're talking about a startup. So I just don't know how flexible I should be. And again, I don't want to leave any money on the table...

Scott Anthony Barlow 01:44

Look, when you get to this situation, I understand the stakes are high. You want to negotiate your offer, you also don't want to blow it. So how do you tell this organization? The same organization that you just spent so much time and effort going through the interview process, meeting all the people, determining that it actually is a fit, they finally made this offer, it's your ideal role but, guess what? You need more. And how do you not offend them, by the way? How do you avoid sounding greedy or like you're going to be difficult to work with? These all sound like problems, it's not a great way to start off. However, there absolutely is not one way but multiple ways. So today on the podcast, we don't normally do this but I'm actually sharing with you a recording of a coaching session with one of our clients where we help her negotiate an offer but get this, she not only ended up accepting the offer, but raised her total comp package from 165k, to not 175k, not 185k.. 359k. Right. Okay. Hang tight to hear exactly how we did that.

Scott Anthony Barlow 02:56

Prioritize those for me if they're not already in priority order. Well, what we've been looking for... that are already in priority. Yes. That makes me so happy on so many levels. That being the case, then we need to focus primarily on salary, however, think it may be very useful, you call it out that, you know, 1099 could be a potential option in order to make up some salary.

Jessica 03:23

Yeah, like I don't need any benefits. And that I mean, my husband's like a federal government worker plans on it. So I haven't taken benefits in 10 years[c] from any company. I mean, I have long term disability now just because it's smart to have it. But at the end of the day, I have, you know, just I don't need it, I'd rather right now just like bring home as much cash as I can. And that's where I'm at.

Scott Anthony Barlow 03:42

Chances are high they're paying someplace between $500 in the very lowest end, which I think is really unlikely, up to about $20500 per month for the end of this. Back in my purchasing benefits days and working with brokers and everything like that, chances are high, that's someplace between those two numbers. That gives us essentially a little bit to work with, if they're open to the idea of that. The plan has to be going in and saying, look, this is really the role that I'm looking for in so many different ways. And I really am looking forward to working with you in here. And also at the same time, the only thing stopping me from saying yes right now is we have some pretty big differences in terms of what I was looking for, for compensation, for salary and signing bonus and annual bonus and equity and a few other areas. And I want to figure out how to work through those so that we can get to a situation where it's good for both of us. So I recognize that that might take some creativity, and I'm totally willing to figure out how that might work. I have some ideas but I also... we're probably going to need to figure it out together to be able to get you over here ASAP. I want that to happen. That's got to be. And I'm just being really directed just because we have a small amount of time, that's going to be the type of conversation where you're setting the expectations coming into it saying, "Hey, we've got quite a bit where we're off" is probably gonna have to be a verbal conversation the first time around. So instead of sending over this as an email, your next step is going to need to be setting up a time where you can converse with the decision maker who holds the purse strings.

Jessica 05:35

Mark, the gentleman that called me today, and he's the co founder and CEO, and then the other gentleman is another co-founder, Phil.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:42

What's his name the other gentleman?

Jessica 05:43

Phil.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:44

Phil. Okay. Mark, though?

Jessica 05:45

He was a CEO of a company.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:47

What's his role now, here?

Jessica 05:49

Co-founder, visionary. It's very up in the air. But because they have global, which is the other company. And that's what's funding. They are in the more executive leadership development space, and they do strategy and consulting work with teams, talent and strategy around organizations trying to grow their leaders.

Scott Anthony Barlow 06:12

Okay, awesome.

Jessica 06:13

And then these courses are online, a professional development platform for emerging leaders. So it's 25 to 40 year old like, and that's what I was trying to say in the email. Like, I think they're so excited, because I would be the face of this company. Yeah, and I was like, "Well, okay, guys, so I'm gonna have to, like do the ISD work, and also be the face" which I don't mind being the face, because I'll just be wildly excited about it. The online platform is a combination between mentoring, coaching and learning. So it's like, it's in my core, you know, I'm like, Yeah, do this, you know, but I really want... I didn't want to go down in salary. I wanted to go up, you know, and...

Scott Anthony Barlow 06:52

So it got to be verbal conversation first. Sounds like it needs to happen with Mark, then. And is there anybody else that has a vested interest here?

Jessica 07:01

No. And I would say Mark is the sole decision maker. I've had conversations with Phil, and another gentleman, Joe, but he's been working solely with the recruiter to get... he's the CHRO, the previous CHRO, so he's like, applying the HR.

Scott Anthony Barlow 07:13

What is your bottom end here? If I read your email correctly, it sounds like you were, you've referenced the 45k increases that your bottom end, like, what is your walkaway point? Like, this is no longer get create a good deal for you.

Jessica 07:30

Let me talk this out loud really quick. Because I think on normal circumstances, because of the environment that I'm in right now, I would be perfectly fine with doing a lateral move, like with base salary. So if my base is 14565, and I'm like getting out of stressful work environment, and I'm able to keep my salary, nothing changes, more opportunity, title of my dreams, you know, work of my dreams, 100% remote role, right? Like, I'm winning, I'm winning there. But because there's the possibility of me having to pay back 33k and tuition reimbursement, I'm like, I need a signing bonus, just so I don't have to come out of pocket from that. And I'm also losing out on my you know, bonus for the 2020 year by taking the roll on October[d]. So I that's what I feel like should I walk away and wait for something better, but I could be without a settlement package, I could be unemployed, like you know, it's all shoulda, coulda, woulda is and I'm just not sure around that. But I think that's why I also want a higher salary because I'm trying to compensate for the potential of having to pay back the tuition reimbursement, as well as not getting a bonus, not just from the year that I worked, but like the whole year that I would have to perform in this new role. And then a bonus wouldn't happen until the following year. And that's never guaranteed. But I feel confident in achieving those set goals, but it's just... it's not part of your base salary. So, that's what's spiraling in my head at this point.

Scott Anthony Barlow 08:59

So really, that is that 60 something 1000 number that we're talking about...

Jessica 09:04

Correct.

Scott Anthony Barlow 09:04

Or role.

Jessica 09:05

I mean, I know that's a crazy signing bonus. But I'm also like, this is a C suite role and the salary at 130 is just not, see it, like if we do any type of comp analysis, 130 is not what a person of my experience for 15 years[e] to master's degrees, the extent of what the role it's just under. But I also know we're talking about a startup. So I just don't know how flexible I should be. And again, I don't want to leave any money on the table...

Scott Anthony Barlow 09:31

Well, there's multiple different ways to be able to make that happen too, like even if the signing bonus format. If we are able to create that type of same amount in a different way, then I think that's okay, too.

Jessica 09:44

And I'm fine with it being in a different way. Like that's why I kind of built on the equity piece because it's...

Scott Anthony Barlow 09:49

Also smaller. They're scrappier, and I think that's going to be an easier thing for them to do. And we're another... and it also allows you to use the approach of "Hey, here's what I'm looking for. Here's what I'm working with." So I think that part of your conversation after you share them the "Hey, look, I totally feel like this is right for me, I'm really excited about it. Thank you so much." All of those pieces must be there really critical that those pieces are there. And then you go on to say that, "I also want to acknowledge that even though the roles really right, we've got quite a huge gap in between with what I'm looking for overall compensation, including, you know, salary, annual bonus, and equity and those types of things, too. So I'm more than happy to share the details with you about that. And but I want you to know, before we even start talking about that, I want to work this out, because this is really a role that I can, even myself, and I'm really excited about. And I'm really, really want to start working for you sooner. So you're setting the stage, and then from there be able to say so I also think this might require some level of creativity on both our parts, but I'm willing to explore really creative methods. After you get some acknowledgement from them, that's where you can jump in and say, "Well, here's one of the major things I'm concerned about right now, if I walk away from my role, this second, I'm essentially leaving $68,000 on the table." And that comes in two forms, you didn't have to share all the other specifics. This is like a throwaway number in some ways, where we'll just call this the game of negotiation, for lack of a better phrase. I want you to do it authentically and everything like that. However, I also want them to be able to have a way to participate in the game with you in a way that's going to be advantageous for both people. So you need to give them a throwaway number here to start this out. Because this is going to be a really useful number for you because it's very true, it also is something that they can easily understand. Like it's not... I want to make, you know, $300,000 a year, because it sound much concrete that is already in existence that they can't argue with, or you'll feel differently about. So it's a case of "Look, I want you to know that, you know, if I leave my role right now, then I am literally leaving $68,000 on the table. Additionally, you know, as I was looking into this next opportunity, couple of the things I wanted to share with you, you know, as I was talking about, as I was talking to Facebook and had an offer on the table from them, they're offering a 200, and whatever it is $40,000.

Jessica 12:36

Yeah, 260.

Scott Anthony Barlow 12:37

Now I'd much much much prefer to work here, over Facebook, however, and this is a pretty big difference and a pretty big gap, overall. The things that I'm really interested in that might help with, help bridge some of that gap, I'm really interested in equity in the company, especially if I'm acting as the face of the organization. I'm also a learner really interested in professional development. Currently, I have access to those funds, right this very second in my role. And that's something I've liked to be able to work in here where I'm continuing to develop myself. And then another thing that might be really useful for you is I don't necessarily need to have benefits, I don't necessarily need to come off as a standard employee. So if it is advantageous to operate on the 1099, where you don't have to pay benefits for me and some of the other taxes that go along with having an employee, I'm really open to that type of solution in order to make higher levels of compensation and these other areas. Those are a few of my initial thoughts, and I wanted to be really transparent with you, so that you understand where I'm coming from. So here's why, just... you may already know some of this and stop me if it's redundant, or things that you already know. But the reason why I've chosen these few things to focus on versus everything or the laundry list, as it's hard to argue with any of these pieces like...

Jessica 14:04

Agreed.

Scott Anthony Barlow 14:04

Offer from Facebook, they know they've heard of Facebook, like they use Facebook, they understand, you know what that is. And then being able to counter that with like, I don't, I would much prefer to work here than Facebook. This is the role, but also like this is a real thing. And then the 68 like we already talked about, it's really difficult to do that, they're going to be able to understand that.

Jessica 14:28

I will. I know that the offer will get better. That's what's exciting to me, right. And so I don't know how much better so that's the fun part.

Scott Anthony Barlow 14:35

It is fun, right? But there's a lot of upside here.

Scott Anthony Barlow 14:39

Hey, after listening to that coaching session with Jessica, first of all, I just want to mention again that we don't do this all the time, and we had permission from Jessica to be able to share this with everyone. I also want you to hear exactly what happened after this session. Jessica went and did an amazing job having not just one conversationm but series of conversations. And then later on, she sent me this email, I'm gonna read it to you, she said, "Hey, Scott, I wanted to give you an update. They went from a total comp package of 165k to 359k. Wow! wow! wow!" lots of exclamation points, "I'm over the moon right now, and really in shock. They reiterated how I was worth every penny and said, "you can find anyone with technical expertise. But someone with your disposition in DNA is hard to come by. We can't wait for you to join the team and are so glad that we could make this work for us." I can't thank you enough for all your coaching, encouraging support during these last few months[f]. I've landed the role of my dreams along with the comp I wanted and knew that I deserved." Hey, this is something that you can do too, it's duplicatable. I wanted to share this coaching session with you to see how this could be possible. The one thing that is not often not recognized is we didn't necessarily talk about every single element of psychology that was at play here. And we also didn't talk about some of the incentives that were at play. And it's just important to recognize that those things are often in play. And we've already done some of that work beforehand prior to this coaching session. But honestly, you know, that's why I personally always take a partner anytime doing any kind of negotiation, because it helps me pull out of the emotional side and recognize what else is at play, that way I can get to not just something that's good for me. But something that's great for all the parties involved, because that's really what creates the best type of ending situation in a negotiation. It's not one sided. So I really hope that you took that away. And if there's anything that we can do to help, whether it's with your negotiation, or helping you get to the point where you even get an offer that you really actually want in the first place, then don't hesitate to ask, just email me, scott@happentoyourcareer.com. And either myself or my team will get back with you. And we'll figure out how to connect up with you via zoom. And we'll ask you some questions to understand your situation and figure out the very best way that we can support you whether that's one of our programs, whether it's personal coaching, whether it's, you know, something like we did with Jessica, email me, scott@happentoyourcareer.com and put 'Conversation' in the subject line.

Scott Anthony Barlow 17:38

There's so many college graduates that never actually work in their field of study. On the flip side, there are those that are able to capitalize on the years of hard work in college to land a job in their field. But sometimes when they do that the honeymoon phase wears off. And then they start to feel like they were meant to do something else entirely.

Alexandra Carter 17:58

So I went out. I worked as a lawyer for a period of time that I never forgot. And I worked steadily in my off hours to find ways to build my expertise. Until the moment that Columbia hired me back to teach the course that I took as a student. I am one of those unicorns, who wakes up every day and thinks I truly am doing what I was meant to do on this earth.

Scott Anthony Barlow 18:24

That's Alexandra Carter. Alex is a clinical professor of law and is a world renowned negotiation trainer who's helped thousands of people listen to she shares, how to cultivate relationships and identify what really brings you joy. And then learn to apply negotiation skills that help you build a bridge to a role that really actually fits you. Take a listen to Alex, this is such a great episode. I think you'll love it.

Scott Anthony Barlow 18:49

All that and plenty more next week[g] right here on Happen To Your Career. Make sure that you don't miss it. And if you haven't already, click Subscribe on your podcast player so that you can download this podcast in your sleep. And you get it automatically, even the bonus episodes every single week, sometimes multiple times a week. Until next week. Adios. I'm out!

[a][01:21] inaudible @kathy@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Kathy Wilkes_

[b][01:32] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[c][03:30] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[d][08:15] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[e][09:19] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[f][15:39] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[g][18:51] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

Ready for Career Happiness?

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Negotiation: A Tool For Your Successful Career Change

on this episode

The difference between an average career change and a successful career change often lies in the negotiation.

David Sally is an author and award-winning teacher of negotiations with years of business experience. He shares what really makes someone a great negotiator – and it’s not what you think it is.

What you’ll learn

  • David’s journey from being a political science major to teaching negotiations at Cornell University
  • The biggest contributions to becoming a great negotiator
  • The struggles woman have with negotiating (and how to work with/overcome them)

Success Stories

Thank you for guiding me through the negotiation process of asking for a raise. Even in this economy you convinced me to follow through. I also appreciate your thoughts on what I should include in my portfolio; it made the difference in the value added that I was able to present to my supervisor.

Ken Russell, Career Placement Coordinator, United States/Canada

It turned out to be the best fit possible they had all the tools and all the resources. It helped me to approach the job search in a completely different way. It allowed me to put myself out there in a vulnerable way (even in the interviews) and it allowed me to get exactly what I wanted.

One of the most key things we talked about was feeling instead of thinking, I would think all the time, about this and that, I would just take time to feel. That is the key for really understanding where you are supposed to be and what you love.

Kelly , Leadership Recruiter, United States/Canada

David Sally 00:00

But I'm going to keep it in my interior and not necessarily in my exterior. And the very best negotiators are able to do that. Be people who can preserve relationships, their counterparts will come to them again and again to deal with even though they know, the interaction will be great. But ultimately, there's going to be a strong demands coming at them. They know that the tough fair negotiator will tell them 'no', might tell them no in a really nice way., but it will be clear what the limits are.

Introduction 00:34

This is the Happen To Your Career podcast, with Scott Anthony Barlow. We help you stop doing work that doesn't fit you, figure out what does and make it happen. We help you define the work that's unapologetically you, and then go get it. If you're ready to make a change, keep listening. Here's Scott. Here's Scott. Here's Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 00:58

Negotiation is one of my very favorite things. I know that makes me weird. I'm totally okay with that. However, what I found is the difference between an average career change and a very, very successful career change often lies in the negotiation.

David Sally 01:15

Part of that is just the way our minds are wired for important decisions and negotiation. You know, negotiating a job offers is somehow no different than retirement savings and that level but it's also people don't know what to do to prepare.

Scott Anthony Barlow 01:31

That's David Sally. He's an award winning teacher of negotiations with many years of business experience, but he's also an author of a really wonderful book on negotiation called "One Step Ahead". He shares what makes someone a really great negotiator. And guess what? It's probably not what you think.

David Sally 01:51

It probably begins with my first job out of college, I was a political science major, undergraduate, and like a lot of young people coming out, especially back in the day, so we're talking fully admit my age, we're talking the early 1980s[a]. I was headed to law school without any clue of what it meant to be a lawyer. It's just a lot of political science majors that I would go to, you know, I'd like to college, I'd like studying, I'd like the classroom, I'll just go off to law school. And I realized, I came to this somehow, not so blinding insight that when you're headed off on a whole path without really having experienced much of the world. I grew up in Chicago as the oldest of three sons of two academics. So we were... I was, you know, I grew up in a family where the... we had a blackboard in the dining room, that's how nerdy of a family I grew up. And I realized, you know, I don't know anything about the world, why am I headed off to law school? So I went and decided, well, no, I'm going to, I will still follow through, but I'll defer any kind of acceptance. And I'm going to go out and work in the world. And I was lucky enough to get a job at Bain & Company, the corporate strategy business, and their headquarters in Boston. They were still a small to medium sized firm at the time. And I had a blast for three years there[b]. And I realized, I really loved doing strategy, and that kind of work and working with a variety of interesting businesses and very intense level of work. But I knew that, my wife and I, and we were a serious couple at the time that we were going to have kids, I knew we wanted to have kids, we wanted to, and I knew I didn't want to travel two and three days every week while having kids. So I thought I could keep doing this for a while because we were still a year away from getting married. And we were certainly going to be a few years away from having our first kid. And I said, you know, "If I know I'm going to leave, at some point in the next three to five years[c], why not get started now?" Because I had made the decision that I was going to re-enter the "family business", which was academia. So I left Bain & Company to go get my PhD at University of Chicago, in economics, not in political science. I thought that economics was a good field for me to combine my basic what now was three years[d] of business experience with some of the issues that I thought were important to me from my undergraduate studies. And while the University of Chicago I got interested in what was then we're talking now, the mid 1980s[e], the new subfield of behavioral economics started by Danny Kahneman, who's become famous for his thinking fast and thinking slow and also famous because he won the Nobel Prize for it.

Scott Anthony Barlow 04:43

There's that.

David Sally 04:44

Yeah, there's that. Yeah. And I realized I was never really fully an economist. I'm really more of a broader social scientist, and I'm interested in ideas that cross disciplinary boundaries. And so that's what I wanted to do work somewhere in the space that connected economic ideas of people maximizing their utility and trying to pursue their self interest with the social psychology ideas that people don't always think clearly about what their options are. And this is a topic obviously, that you spend a lot of time on. When people think about their career choices and things like that, it turns out, well, economists assumed automatically that the more important that decision, the more rational people will be. Right? It was orthodox economists would say, okay, we agree that people don't buy a gallon of milk purely rationally every time. But when it comes to big dollar things, or things that impact their life, you know, their well being, well, they will think it through, they'll make option charts, they will draw tree diagrams, figure out everything, and they will really hone in on maximizing and turns out now, that's actually, they're probably... consumers are probably better at picking out the best value for a gallon of milk than they are about thinking about big issues like career choices, or where to put, where to invest their retirement savings and things like that. So those were the kinds of issues that got me interested.

Scott Anthony Barlow 06:15

Yeah. To support that, I saw a funny statistic that was pulled from a broader study, but it paired up the amount of time on average Americans spend shopping for a TV or a computer, versus the amount of time spent on deciding a career change, or also had some investing into retirement, any number of other things, I had all of these things that were absurd. The TV one over every time or the computer went over every time to a ridiculous level. So I absolutely love the crossing of interdisciplinary ideas, concepts, experiences. So I think that's one of the reasons I appreciated the book so much, and how you put together one step ahead. However, before we go down that road, I really wanted to ask you, you mentioned when you were considering going to law school, you somehow had the foresight to say, "Hey, I need to get some real world experience." And then later on too, as you were deciding, hey, do I stay for another couple of years anticipating that years in the future, potentially years in the future, you were going to have children be married those types of things, and it would no longer line up. And then you said, "Hey, why not do this now versus later?" So I'm super curious about that. Because that's not the normal path. And I love it. Not just because it's not the normal path. But I'm super curious, what led you to those? What was behind that? Because it wasn't a normal set of decisions.

David Sally 07:50

Yeah, that's a good question. And there, and like you said, there are two different decisions. We need to unpack them both. And then I have to, after we do that, I need to go to a third confession, which I think is also very relevant for you and this podcasts about the way that life works. I think the law school thing was easy, because it was so, as much as I say, I'm not an economist, I just think I'm a really enlightened economist. I mean, this is part of why I like it. I understand economists, the whole point of behavioral economics was economists don't seem to understand humans very well. You know, they got good models of markets and certain markets, but not all markets. But, wow, they really don't seem to understand how human beings really tick. And I think one of the qualities, one of the things that I aand we could source this back to having read ridiculous amounts of novels when I was a kid or just having an, I think I've always been a very empathetic person. I understand how other people are thinking, I think it was part of the reason I was really good consultantt. I could go down to I was the most baby faced 22 year old working at Bain & Company looked like I was 14 and one of our clients was down in the oil field in Louisiana. And I was solely responsible for, he was the general manager of oilfield services company, is a grizzled, caging guy who must have been like, he looked like 60 years older than me, but he wasn't 40 years older than me, and he had been in the business for a year. And here I am looking like I'm 12. And I'm gonna, you know, I'm supposed to advise him and help him, well, you know, if you kind of understand how people tick If you value their words, if you can get inside their heads a little bit and are very adaptable. And that's, of course, a big theme of one step ahead. It's how do you develop those capabilities? So I think I've always had that ability to identify with other people. And that sort of has been a quality. So I guess, in some sense, I do that with my own brain when I think through, okay, what are really the options that I had at the time when I said okay, I can defer law school or I did really well, I did well on my grades I did well on the LSATs, that option sitting there anytime I want to pull that, but what's not going to be sitting there is the chance to do an internship or be, you know, come out of college, in the regular college recruiting cycle and being able to, at that time especially go through that. So I thought, oh, well, that's a pretty easy decision, because I'm kind of doing I'm recognizing my own decision making. And again, this is a big theme that I want all the listeners to think about that not only in negotiations, but in career decision making you want them, the most advanced people, the smartest people are able to both be making the decision and monitoring what they're actually using to make the decision at the same time. So let's bring it to the world of negotiations. I'm actually bargaining, I'm making an offer, but I'm seeing and I'm monitoring myself my own speech, but I'm also monitoring how my counterpart is thinking about things. So I think I'm good at that. And I realized, you know, you're kind of doing this as a default. Why are you doing this? You can defer. So that's the law school decision, the Bain decision to leave early was honestly, there were some, I was really good at it. There were some frustrations for me at the firm, the firm I was at, and I think this is very again, might be relevant to some of the folks that are listening to the podcast, Bain had changed from a small firm to a medium large firm, and the character of the corporate culture had changed was you could see that it had changed, and it was going to continue to change. So when I first joined, we were in the Fanueil Hall Warehouse in Boston, that was the main headquarters. And I could walk, you could walk down one hallway. And you could walk by all four founders offices, I could see everybody in the firm and a five minute walk down a long warehouse hallway and everybody's office, it's all open plan. And so really small firm and the nature of the firm, it became so successful, it grew 35% every year[f] that I was there that by the final year, when I was making this decision to leave, the people that were attracted to Bain had moved from being very risk taking entrepreneurial types, because it was a startup kind of firm to blue chip kind of candidates who were different people and different people to work with than originally. So I kind of saw that I was less happy there than I was at the beginning and I could kind of forecast where it was going. And you know, it just worked out in the timing of my personal life that my wife and I were getting married, she was going off to medical school thought, well, if I'm going to pull the parachute, I'll pull it now and go to graduate school. Yeah, go get my degree in economics. Now, here's the console. That's the two decisions that I think I impact. Here's the confession, I thought what I wanted to do was to be, and some of the listeners may know this name, Michael Porter, especially in the 1980s and 1990s, as a Harvard Business School professor of strategy, and he was the number one writer in corporate strategy at the time, and his books are still, you know, invaluable books. And he had a sweet ass life. He wrote best selling books, he consulted for Fortune 500 companies at probably ridiculously hourly rates, thought a little bit. I thought, you know, what I want to do is be a poor man's Michael Porter, you know, I want to do some strategy research, I'll write some journal articles, I get my PhD and I will have a little consulting business on the side. And let's be realistic, I won't be Michael Porter, but there's room in the market for you know, some other people below his umbrella or doing something, you know, a smaller niche play. And then for reasons, mainly because I had grown up in Chicago, I thought, well, I applied to a number of different programs. But I thought I got into University of Chicago, the Business School PhD program, I thought, well, go back to Chicago. I love Chicago, but it is maybe the single worst place to go, if you want to become Michael Porter, like a Harvard Business School Professor like, with consulting business. University of Chicago is way too serious about economics and the kind of pure academic pursuit. It's the worst possible, I should have gone to Harvard Business School, but I went to Chicago. And then as we talked about earlier, not only did I go to Chicago, which wasn't the right place to go, but then I ended up getting hooked on behavioral economics, which is not gonna lead to doing Michael Porter life. It's gonna be...

Scott Anthony Barlow 14:40

That's two strikes Michael Porter life.

David Sally 14:44

I know. I don't, either, yeah, but it just... I got hooked on behavioral economics. I said no, these are the, you know, as you described, you know, this is the intersection that I want to kind of play around within for a few years[g]. So the best laid plans I guess, which is some story, I'm sure you've heard many, many times, Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 15:02

Best laid plans. Yes about that. I feel like we could have an eight hour discussion just on that alone. However, I am really curious about, what took place between then and now? Somehow, somewhere, those best laid plans went awry. And then you began to have an interest as a relates to the, well, I'm going to call it the art and science of negotiation. How did that come about?

David Sally 15:31

That came about because one thing that behavioral economists can teach really well, so I got my PhD, and I got my first teaching job, research job at Cornell University at the business school. And one thing that business schools teach and teach very well is negotiations. And so I was offered the chance my first year[h] to begin teaching negotiations. And I thought, as well as I taught a core class in general management. And I think that the thinking in negotiations was, I have a bunch of real world business experience. And I have behavioral economics, which is a nice disciplinary to the art and science of it is the science part of negotiation. So I started teaching negotiations, and it's honestly, it may be the best, let's keep this confidential between us, it may be the single best teaching gig in a business school, because there's not a single student who walks into the class thinking that they don't want to be there, they know they're kind of negotiate for the rest of their career, they know that it's a class that they are really eager to take. It's also a super fun class, because every week, the way that I teach it, and the way that most people teach it, you are in a simulated negotiation. And you might be an owner of a house, you might be an HR manager interviewing different candidates, negotiating a job offer, all kinds of situations that we put the students in, ranging from very straightforward, simple, one off purchase of an item to very complex diplomatic kind of situations. So the class always combines this experiential element of actually having done in negotiation, we do that in the first part. And then we come back and show everybody that results, some people did really well, some people do poorly. And we spend the next amount of class time trying to unpack why that is. So I had to make myself smart about the negotiation literature in terms of the academic side of things in order to teach the class. And as I did that, and so we're talking about 1995 or so when I started teaching it, I began to get my own ideas about some things that I thought were done correctly in the literature and some enhancements that could be there. And just got really fluent in the research, much of which is done in psychology labs, or business school laboratories, I'm just kind of judgment and decision making. But there's a whole stream of negotiation researchers and I got to know that literature really well and saw some things that some ideas that I thought could add to it. And I began to bring those into the classroom. And in fact, this book, "One Step Ahead", I had started. So I talked for about a decade at Cornell, and then the last number of years at Dartmouth Tuck School of Business. I began about 10 years, actually 12 years ago[i]], in the wrap up class to begin to do what is in the book, some of the data and finding some of the ideas about how to be tough and fair, how to be sophisticated, those began to filter into my kind of wrap up class for the quarter. And it became a book.

Scott Anthony Barlow 18:50

One of the things that you just mentioned, you mentioned the ideas about how to be tough, or how to be fair. And I think that the toughness part is something that is different, or stood out to me compared to much of what the literature and also research is out there. And you dug deeper into that than what I've seen in other places. And it initially stood out to me because one of the things that I heard you say and I think you've also written is something to the effect of good people need to be able to negotiate with toughness, otherwise bad people always win. And that, to be honest, that statement actually hit me badly. First, because I'm like, hold on, what does he mean by toughness? And what about bad people versus good people? Like those are the things that into my brain, but as I kept going in your book, you start to really define what you mean when you say toughness. And I'm wondering if you could shed a little bit of light on that now for all of our listeners, first of all, because I found this very useful is to begin to unpack what does toughness actually mean and what role does it play as it relates to, not just negotiations but interactions as well leading up to negotiate. So what do you mean when you say toughness, first of all?

David Sally 20:02

Yeah. Well, I think you put your finger on a really important point, which is, I think, depending on the culture we come from, and for those of us coming from the US, we hear the word toughness, and we think a red face angry muscle man, that's toughness, right? That's we have this very male centric exterior version of what we think that characteristic is. And it may go back to western movies, and John Wayne, and you know, the PhD dissertations in English literature, I'm sure have been written on this. But for me, the single finding that comes out, so part of what I share with readers is that version of toughness makes it seem like, okay, I understand how that could be helpful. I've seen people operate like that in the business world or in other parts of my life. And sometimes that seems to go pretty well form, I profile in the book, Sam Zell, the billionaire real estate investor in Chicago, who fancies himself the grave dancer, he nicknamed himself and he is this version of toughness is very exterior and very apparent. And I think when people feel the see that version of toughness, you said, "Well, that's going to crowd out every positive quality that I want, as a person, as a business person, as just a human being, it's going to be... I can't do that." So in my classroom, I take... I actually, let me step back for just a sec, I'm going to come to the toughness, the data. So I actually part of how I make this very real for the students is their grades dependent on how good of a contract they sign. So they get evaluated every week on what kind of deal they made. And we soften an oval a little bit by dropping, you know, if they have a really disastrous one, the two lowest outcomes are dropped. And I won't go through all the details, but I basically get a performance score over the entire quarter. Or if I'm teaching corporate executives over a week long executive program. So I have a performance measure that says, "Okay, this person did 10, or 12, different deals, and pretty consistently, they came above average." And so when you total that up, that becomes a really high performing negotiator. And I see on the other end, obviously, some low performing people. After every negotiation, and this is a tool that's used by other business school professors, counterparts rate each other on personal qualities. Were you a good communicator? Were you fair? Were you a rational? Were you emotional? Were you tough? And so at the end of the quarter, and in the book, "One Step Ahead", I can say, okay, what's your mental model of what it means to be a really great negotiator? How important is it to be prepared, to be tough, to be creative? And people have different mental models, it tends to be in the main way that people are correct with their mental models is they think preparation is important, creativity is important and good communication is important. All true. They also have some doubts about toughness, some people think it's really great. Other people think, "Oh, no, that's going to really hurt you." Most business school executives, and many, many executives also think it's really important to be fair, to be seen as fair, it's good for relationships, it's good like that. And the data reveals that the single most important quality is to be tough, is to be seen and be perceived as tough. And you say, "Okay, wow, this is a dismal view of life." Again, if we're thinking about toughness as this kind of macho, horrible person to deal with. But the kicker comes, especially for the students who have been together for an entire quarter, 10 weeks[j] when I say, "Oh, well, let me show you five of your peers in the classroom who manage not only to be seen as the most tough people in the class, but also the most fair, and indeed, every year, there are a handful of people who are seen as very fair and very tough. Well, how can that be? Well, it can only be if we're wrong about the surface understanding of what toughness really is, it's not creating interpersonal conflict, there are ways to signal toughness to the other side where it's much more of an interior quality where you can be fluid and accommodating and easy to deal with on the outside. But toughness is really an interior quality and this is now we're getting back to sort of the way I think about toughness, I think about it as and these are great qualities when you're thinking about changing career or pursuing a career. It's about perseverance. It's about having goals. It's about being dedicated. It's being willing to say no when you have to say no, that you will draw and an image in the book is to think of the relationship of toughness and fairness are the sophisticated negotiator, as an ancient Chinese coin, which we've all seen at one time, or another, which is a round coin, only punched out of the middle was a square. And that was because the Chinese used to carry it around on a string their coins. So this idea is toughness is the square and the insight, it's sharp, it's no, it's the willingness to say, no, it's perseverance, its integrity. But the outside is round, it's fluid, you're accommodating, you say, "Yes, I can, I will talk with you with my counterpart about anything you want to talk about. But ultimately, in my interior, I have goals, I have objectives, and I have aggression in there. But I'm going to keep it in my interior and not necessarily in my exterior." And that's what I think these, the very best negotiators are able to do that be people who can preserve relationships, their counterparts will come to them again and again to deal with even though they know the interaction will be great. But ultimately, there's going to be a strong demands coming at them. They know that the tough fair negotiator will tell them no, might tell them no in a really nice way. But it will be clear what the limits are. That is the version of toughness as being much more about interior qualities than external performance kind of getting red in the face, or anger or macho stuff.

Scott Anthony Barlow 26:26

That is, I believe, and I found it to be a much more useful, helpful, functionally, well useful and helpful functionally as a way to not just negotiate, but also I would say influence as well. And what I'm curious about is how we can take those ideas, the idea of toughness, the idea of fairness, the idea of that's not a dichotomy, necessarily, that is actually something that can coexist when you have different definitions or boxes drawn around what those actually are. So how can we take those ideas? And how can we use them? We take like a real situation that we have somebody going through right now where they are in the, I would say beginning stages, what I would call the beginning stages of a job offer negotiation and for the sake of protecting the innocent and not so innocent, let's go ahead and just call this person "Ruth". Ruth sounds like a great name. But anyhow, Ruth right now is at the place where she is anticipating a job offer, that's probably likely to happen in the next two weeks[k] here. And right then and there is a great point because that's where we can begin to use some of these concepts functionally. So take me through this idea as Ruth goes through her different stages of bargaining and negotiating as a relates to a job offer, how might she bring in some of these ideas for toughness, fairness, and everything else we've talked about up till now?

David Sally 28:03

It's a great question. And it's one that I'm... when I'm teaching both MBAs and executive. One of the main reasons people take a negotiation classes is to be able to ask the professor this question, you know, I'm going through a job offer.

Scott Anthony Barlow 28:16

Not here for the class, but I do anticipate... sometime in this quarter.

David Sally 28:21

I want to bump up my salary. Yeah.

Scott Anthony Barlow 28:23

Can I schedule my office time now?

David Sally 28:25

Yeah, exactly. Definitely. No, the first class, never by the office hours, at the end of first class, we're at an up "Hey, do you mind if I come by to your office and talk to you about it?" And it's totally, totally fair. So I'm going to give let's deal with Ruth situation, I'm going to give some of my generic advice and see if we can work it into the kind of round on the outside and square on the inside.

Scott Anthony Barlow 28:45

Perfect.

David Sally 28:46

So round on the outside for me, one of the main things, I heard a couple points. One is the job offer negotiation is you are already a pseudo employee or pseudo independent contractor with the organization you're talking about with, you're already being evaluated. And if you think you're not, you're sadly mistaken. So therefore, the accommodating the roundness part is to be hyper aware of that fact. And then they use vocabulary and ideas that have currency within the organization that you're talking with. So let me give you two examples that I can think of in my own past where I've counseled students. So I might have students who are eager to do what I did back in the day with a strategy consulting firm, that kind of firm is analytical data driven. So therefore, if I'm going to negotiate with them, I want to negotiate on facts, evidence, numbers, tables, spreadsheets, I want to show them that I can gather the relevant data that I can parse it through that I can say, "Hey, here's what my peers have, you know, here's the average starting salary for people who are like me, here's my data, I'll share it with you completely. Here's how I've crunched it and made it, I'm not kind of throw a US spreadsheet with, I'm going to show you that I'm already a consultant that I'm going to, I might put it in a chart, I'm going to think about the language and the ways whatever clues I have in terms of how they would communicate it." A marketing, let's say, it's more of a marketing or sales job, similar kind of thing. I want to be negotiating with the language and the style and the culture that's relevant for them and making my... so then I'm probably more in whatever it means to pitch in that particular company, in that particular work, then I'm pitching myself, okay, what does it mean to pitch yourself, especially pitch yourself to a particular organization, there are clues that you can gather from your the interactions that you've had from some research. So that's the way I would think about the roundness of kind of adapting the fluidity to work with the counterpart that you're dealing with in a way that, as you said, totally correctly, this is negotiation is influence, I'm not trying to change the way they're or hopefully confirmed the way they're thinking about me how awesome I am, right? This squareness comes to, there are basic economic realities. If poor Ruth is negotiating a job right now, with unemployment at the level set it is, it just on a macro economic level, leverage is going to be limited. So you've got to be... that is the square part, that is kind of seeing life clearly north south. But so the Chinese when they had this image, the Emperor set in a square in the middle and could see clearly north, south, east, west. That's part of what you do in the square, I have my dreams and my ideals. But I'm looking clearly north, south, east, west. And if I'm negotiating a job right now, with unemployment at 15%, plus, and if I don't have another offer in hand, then I want to be extra careful, I want to see clearly how much leverage I really have in a situation. In other situations I want to not be afraid of when they do have leverage. And I see north south east west that I am the number one candidate or they've already committed to me, then I want to make sure that I leverage that. And that's toughness. That's like seeing things clearly. And being willing to have there's a courage to the interior part of toughness, that I think people who were exterior tough are ultimately cowards, and I can think of one in Washington, DC. And I can think of a number of other people whose external toughness is ultimately cowardice because they don't have the interior courage to be willing to risk. So I think there's a bit of courage even when you don't have leverage, there are ways to ask for more, a higher salary, in a way and this is where the toughness combines with the roundness to do it in a way that communicates what is fair or whatever levers, you have to say, No, you need to pay me more money than you are currently offering. But do it in a way that allows as tough as possible while still working with the counterpart.

Scott Anthony Barlow 33:11

I think that's so wonderful. And I appreciate you pointing out how you must be sensitive and aware of what are the situations that you're in, and you use the example of, hey, in a consulting business versus I'm in a sales type role versus any other situation, everyone is going to be slightly different. And there's going to be different, I'm just going to call them levers and buttons for lack of a better phrase that they are more likely to respond to based on, you know, what they're used to. That said, how can we do some of that? You know, I heard you say just a moment ago, there's ways to do this. What would be some examples when we can either keep going within those couple environments?

David Sally 33:53

Yeah, no, that's great. That's great, because especially you did a great job because we're helping Ruth. So I'm going to assume for the sake of argument that to her counterpart, Ruth is seen as a woman. Okay. We know some specific problems that women encounter in negotiations for being tough. And there's a whole chapter in the book in which I describe some of the research on gender and negotiations and the advantages and the disadvantages of being a woman while negotiating. And a slight aside, the central character is one of my favorite in the book, a woman, a white Mississippi housewife in 1949, who Lillian MacMurray, who started trumpet Records, which became for a few years one of the main record labels for gospel music, r&b and country music. She was a real pioneer and it's super fascinating person. So what can Ruth do, Ruth faces a problem that many women do which is no surprise for the listeners, it is that much harder to be tough to be seen as tough as a woman. It's got all kinds of stereotype issues and feedback issues. You're not just tough, you're witch, right. Two specific tactics in the book that seemed to work and let me admit it the outset, it stinks that life is like this right now. But let's deal with the reality of this, the fact that there is gender bias, and there is a stereotype. So how do you get around it? There's a law professor at Marquette University who has labeled the first tactic, the mother bear Grizzly exception. So women, and this is all based on real world research, women are allowed to be tough if it's not for themselves, but for another, hence the mother bear exception. So part of what you can do is, if I am a need to be tougher in a negotiation, I find a way to say I'm doing this because I've got a family to feed because I have people depending on me, I'm using words and images to signal that I'm doing this because I am a mother bear and not for myself, because both men and women counterparts and it's not just male counterparts, it's also women counterparts will be more judgmental, and will activate stronger stereotypes against a woman who is negotiating for solely for herself than without this kind of mother bear exception. So in the book, and and I share this advice with, again, with Andrew Snyder, who's the professor at Marquette, invent a client. If you don't have a client, and this can be a way to generate internal toughness for the negotiator as well that I am doing this on behalf of my future self, on behalf of my partner, on behalf of my kids, on behalf of my department, when I am a leader in an organization or on behalf of my organization, that there is a way for many women negotiators to generate that toughness. So that's the first thing, the mother bear exception. The second tactic is called relational account. So it goes back to the same thing that in our society, women aren't allowed to be seen as tough. So that relational account says a woman can be an effective, tough negotiator if they give an account that their boss or mentor has told them that this is the right tactic, this is what they should be doing. So that is the relational account, they're going to weave a story about how somebody else told them that this was the right thing to do. So I can tell all the listeners out there by one step ahead and say that "David Sally totally that this is how it's supposed to negotiate." This is and honestly joking aside, I tell my students this too, that you're in my class, you've learned this, my professor told me, I have to ask for more. Because if I don't, I'm engaging in malpractice, on my own behalf. So use relations. So women can use relational accounts, whether it's advice that they say they got from a mentor from a trusted source to say this, I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to come back and ask for a bump and pay of 25%. But my mentor slash professors slash trusted advisor, whatever it is said that I have to do it. This is what I have to, he advise me that I have to do this. So that's kind of the nitty gritty of how the extra challenges that Ruth is going to have in this world just because of the female stereotype.

Scott Anthony Barlow 38:39

On a totally, well related note, but slightly different direction. So I think, you know what you said earlier, just acknowledging the fact that that's screwed up in, I think were the words that you were used earlier, that that is what it is right now. And well, I want to be cognizant of both sides in that, that is what it is right now. I'm also curious what your opinion, just, you know, I have a 12 year old daughter, I would love to see some of those stereotypes change over time. I'm just curious. what your opinion is of, what do you think it'll take to change that? I don't really related to as much as the to the topic exactly. But I'm just curious.

David Sally 39:19

I have my youngest, is a 25 year old young woman who, yeah, look, and I think that I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer what's gonna... I mean I think the answer is representation. The answer is more women in running organizations. The answer is having a woman be president, having a woman more women as CEOs, more... it's just representation, I mean, I think is a fairly enlightened, I've always fancied myself as an enlightened male, and I'm Father daughter, but I realized that I think it's slowly seeping into our male brains that we talk over women in meetings and I'm guilty of that and I'm being and what I'm calling in the classroom and allowing a student to blather on or not, I want to make sure that it's not gender based, you know, I don't want to let the male students blather on because they're guys and making sure that all the kind of pathologies of women not getting credit for the ideas that they generate in meetings. So I'm trying to do my own little part, but honestly, in a macro sense, it's just got to be representation. And I hope, you know, my other small contribution is I honestly believe that the secret of one step ahead as a book is it's actually written for women. And the beautiful thing is this, I think women have a harder time being average negotiators think they have an easier time being great negotiators. I think these qualities that we talked about, about toughness being more interior, and about an adaptive bill, about being more naturally cognizant of the social intricacies and complexities, which is this outer fluidity and the ability to operate in the world, those tend to be more female traits in our society, honestly, than male traits, I think men to be great negotiators have more to overcome than most women do. I think that women are starting with a big advantage in terms of the fact that they have most of their character, the way that they would think of themselves as tough tend to be interior qualities to begin with, whether it's through self image, or just the messages that they're getting from the larger society. So you know, one of the most interesting experiments in negotiations on gender is this, the participants were divided into two groups, one group was told that there's been research and this was made up, there was been research done that said, male quality, that they weren't labeled male qualities, but they were being assertive. Being firm, maybe even being a little angry, is good for negotiating, the other group was told. And in that setting, women underperformed as negotiators, the second setting was the both men and women participants were told, the best quality, research has shown that the best qualities of a negotiator our ability to listen, and ability to adapt to what the counterparts interests are, all things ever generally label female kinds of qualities in that setting, women outperformed men. And the hidden message of one step ahead is that research, even though it was kind of a little made up is actually right. Female qualities are in fact that they these female qualities of interior toughness, perseverance, willingness to say no, integrity, etc, etc. That is what it takes to be a sophisticated advanced negotiator.

Scott Anthony Barlow 42:50

I appreciate you sharing. And I have one parting question just for all of our listeners, as they are going into, not just job offer negotiations, but as they are wanting to become better at negotiation bargaining influencing, what advice would you give them?

David Sally 43:11

First I have to fix gender and society.

Scott Anthony Barlow 43:14

And I know you've got. There's no small task here.

David Sally 43:17

Yeah, I think that probably there's two big flaws that I think people under prepare for the negotiations, you should spend more time that we talked about early on about the amount of time that people spend shopping for a TV versus something. Same thing with negotiations, people don't spend enough time, spend more time and in the book, part of the reason I think part of that is is just the way our minds are wired for important decisions and negotiation, you know, negotiating a job offers is somehow no different than retirement savings and that level, but it's also people don't know what to do to prepare. And there's a whole chapter in the book that lays gives people a checklist form. And it's the form that I train my students to use and think about this element. You know, what are your interests? What are your goals? What are you do this, do that? And the fascinating thing is, it has two blank columns. So it's got issues like what are the issues in the negotiation? What are your interests? What are your goals, and then it has to blank columns. And early on, students will say, "Well, why are there two blank columns? Because I can fill it out for myself. But what should I put in that other column?" I said, "Well, how many people are in this negotiation? You know, are there... is it just you? Are you negotiating engine? No." There's a counterpart and many people, not all people, many people don't realize that they avoid thinking through stepping into the other side shoes and thinking through what are they trying to achieve, where are they coming from? So I'd say that's the other big advice is take to spend more time prepping yourself, but part of that preparation is force yourself, if you don't naturally think this way, and some economists do, and some negotiators do automatically and these are, you know, great salesmen do all the time. Right? Great salespeople are thinking through the customers mindset all the time. But not all of us are like that. In fact, I think in the book, who would something like 60% of us are not naturally that way. So force yourself to wait, okay, what do I know about the person I'm negotiating with? What are their interests? Where are they coming from? What offers are they likely to? What kind of language are they likely to use and force yourself to go through that, and you'll be amazed both that you can pull clues and figure some things out. And you'll feel that the whole point of preparation is just like an actor, you're ready to improvise, you know what you're doing, you've thought it through. And when you hear a line from the other side, you are able to react in real time to it. And that's part of being super effective.

Scott Anthony Barlow 46:00

I love it. And I appreciate you taking the time and making the time there's been a super fun conversation. So I appreciate that as well. Where can people who want to learn more about you or get the book, where can they go to be able to do those things?

David Sally 46:14

You can get "One Step Ahead" on amazon.com, at your local bookshop, now that they're reopening and about me, I'm on Twitter a little bit, it's gonna have a little harder time finding out about me.

Scott Anthony Barlow 46:29

Hey, many of the stories that you've heard on the podcast are from listeners that have decided that they wanted to take action, and taking the first step of having a conversation with our team to try and figure out how we can help. And if you want to implement what you have heard, and you want to completely change your life and your career, then let's figure out how we can help. So here's what I would suggest. Just open your phone right now and open your email app. And I'm going to give you my personal email address: scott@happentoyourcareer.com just email me and put 'Conversation' in the subject line. And then when you do that, I'll introduce you to the right person on our team. And you can have a conversation with us. We'll try and understand your goals and what you want to accomplish in your career no matter where you're at. And we can figure out the very best way that we can help you and your situation. So open up right now and send me an email with 'Conversation' in the subject line. scott@happentoyourcareer.com

Scott Anthony Barlow 47:38

Okay, here's a story we hear all the time, you did the work, identified what you wanted, found a role with an organization that you want to join, you got through all the interviews, you met everybody, organization was a fit, you nailed it, you got an offer. Except that the offers not quite everything that you're hoping for. Maybe the salaries not quite meeting your expectations. Or maybe it's half the amount of vacation time that you've grown accustomed to. Maybe it doesn't have all the leadership or mentorship capacities that you're interested in, maybe the role itself needs to be modified.

48:12

I mean, I know that's a crazy signing bonus. But I'm also like, this is a C suite role and the salary at 130 is just not, see it, like if we do any type of comp analysis, 130 is not what a person of my experience for 15 years[l] to master's degrees, the extent of what the role it's just under. But I also know we're talking about a startup. So I just don't know how flexible I should be. And again, I don't want to leave any money on the table..

Scott Anthony Barlow 48:38

Look, when you get to this situation, I understand the stakes are high. You want to negotiate your offer, you also don't want to blow it. So how do you tell this organization? The same organization that you just spent so much time and effort going through the interview process, meeting all the people, determining that it actually is a fit, they finally made this offer, it's your ideal role but, guess what? You need more. And how do you not offend them, by the way? How do you avoid sounding greedy or like you're going to be difficult to work with? These all sound like problems, it's not a great way to start off. However, there absolutely is not one way but multiple ways. So today on the podcast, we don't normally do this but I'm actually sharing with you a recording of a coaching session with one of our clients where we help her negotiate an offer but get this, she not only ended up accepting the offer, but raised her total comp package from 165k, to not 175k not 185k.. 359k. Right. Okay. Hang tight to hear exactly how we did that. All that and plenty more next week[m] right here on Happen To Your Career. Make sure that you don't miss it. And if you haven't already, click Subscribe on your podcast player so that you can download this podcast in your sleep, and you get it automatically. Even the bonus episodes every single week, sometimes multiple times a week. Until, next week. Adios. I'm out!

[a][02:08] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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Ready for Career Happiness?

What Career Fits You?

Finally figure out what you should be doing for work

Join our 8-day “Mini-Course” to figure it out. It’s free!

Alistair Marshall, HTYC Director of Community Success, Career Coach

on this episode

HTYC coach Alistair talks about how he started in retail in the UK, moved to the US and eventually rose to VP of the company. After making a career change within the industry, he realized that executive leadership wasn’t a fit anymore. He received regarding his strengths and reflected on what he enjoyed, leading him to pivot to become an executive career coach, and most recently, a coach here at Happen To Your Career.

What you’ll learn

  • Why he had to pivot while at the top of his industry
  • How he leveraged his experience so he didn’t have to start at the bottom of another career path.
  • The answers to some very real questions from our listeners like how to overcome self-limiting beliefs and figuring out if the grass is really greener on the other side.

Alistair Marshall 00:01

And decisions that were being made really conflicted with my sense of morality and my value system and in really deep, deep ways. And that was very challenging for me. And I felt very complicit to decisions being made. I didn't agree with that was a struggle. For me, I wasn't being authentic to myself or to my values with what I believe in.

Introduction 00:28

This is the Happen To Your Career podcast, with Scott Anthony Barlow. We help you stop doing work that doesn't fit you, figure out what does and make it happen. We help you define the work that's unapologetically you, and then go get it. If you're ready to make a change, keep listening. Here's Scott. Here's Scott. Here's Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 00:52

Since I started this podcasting company, way back in 2013[a], we've worked with so many people that have spent years or even decades climbing to the top of the corporate ladder, only to realize it's not what they really want, or that they have, you know, checked off all their goals, been promoted very fast, taking all of the jobs that have been put in front of them, done an amazing job, and it's no longer what they want. And they're faced with a decision, stay in a role they worked so hard for or leave it and start over. Now, if you're like me, that sounds like a terrible choice. Fortunately, there are so many other options that actually work far better than either of these two that I just presented.

Alistair Marshall 01:39

And people in the organization agreed with it and one bored with it, but I really wasn't. So I kind of was like, I don't want to do this anymore. And I also think I was at a point at that went 15 years[b] of retail, where maybe need to do something different.

Scott Anthony Barlow 01:52

That's Alistair Marshall. He started in retail in the UK at age of 16, ripe old age of 16. And then he moved to the US after a while. Eventually, he rose to the VP level of a well known brand and fashion. After making a career change within the industry, he realized that executive leadership just wasn't a fit anymore. He thought about his strengths, thought about his values, reflected on what he enjoyed, and years later, that led him to pivot to become an executive career coach, and now he's part of the Happen To Your Career team. You're gonna get to hear his story, why he had to pivot well at the top of his industry, and more importantly, how he leveraged his experience we didn't have to start at the bottom of another career path, which is the question that we get so often, again, and again, how do I do this without starting over? You're also, this is gonna be a fun one, because you're also going to hear him answer some very real questions from our listeners, like, how do I overcome self limiting beliefs? And how do I figure out if the grass is really greener on the other side? Here's Alistair, taking us back to where his career started out.

Scott Anthony Barlow 03:01

Tell me a little bit about where your career journey started. Let's go way back for just a minute, Alistair.

Alistair Marshall 03:07

So my first ever job was working in what we call a "newsagents" or a corner store in New York, you'd call it a "bodega", you call it in LA. But the shop in the corner, your local shop where you can get, you know, milk, newspapers, magazines, candies, or as I like to call sweets. So my friend's parents owned it, so I worked on a Saturday[c] for four hours. And I thought that using the register was the most exciting thing in the world ever, and took great pride from just punching those numbers and telling people how much they gave, they owed me and as you get super serious, I was 16, I was like when above and beyond like, I'd be there by myself which looking back over reaches an idea of leaving a 16 year old in a corner shop by themselves but whatever and I'd stocked the shelves that sort of stock room, I would just be juggling everything and there's also other stores where you could buy candy nearby like 100 grams, so like sherbet lemons or chocolate raisins or a plethora of other candy, so as on the way to the football ground on Saturday you get people going to a football game that come in to get their candies, I'd be there working to till I was like loving it. And that was really my first foray into retail and I definitely enjoyed it more than the other people that were my age that were working there for them. It was definitely just money for me it was like I want to be the best at this.

Scott Anthony Barlow 04:26

I will punch all the numbers and it will pick your end.

Alistair Marshall 04:29

I remember this place, and there's also just a good kid at school so that means a general kind of demeanor was like definitely a bit of a teacher's pet, definitely always put my hand up first answer questions, definitely wanted to be acknowledged for just being like a good student. I just think that kind of was the way in which I operated in that first job that I had. I was like I want to be the best, most efficient person they have.

Scott Anthony Barlow 04:51

And this was back in Norwich in England, right?

Alistair Marshall 04:54

Which is two hours sort of East and a little bit north of London , it's a very old, there's a cathedral, there's a castle, that at one point there was a church and a pub for every day of the year, probably 150,000 people maybe, although I could be wrong, really very picturesque and lovely and English and all the things you can sort of imagine, but an English city. So that's where I grew up until I was 18.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:19

So when you originally were, when we met a while back, and when you were telling me about it, I think you were trying to convince me that I wouldn't want to go there necessarily, however you described it. And now I want to go there.

Alistair Marshall 05:33

Hold on. That's not, I just think it's my mother was listening to this, very offended. Now what I said was.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:40

Let's get the record straight here.

Alistair Marshall 05:41

Bless you, Scott. You're gonna get me in a lot of trouble with my family and friends. What I said was that it's not a place necessarily that people in England think about deeply. And people I'm growing up in other parts of England being like my mission in life is to relocate to Norwich. Maybe that's changed. That's just my experience. But it's lovely place to go as a tourist, I adore going back now that I've been in America for 10 years[d], because it's gorgeous, and calm, and lovely and cuddly and nostalgic, and wonderful. I probably wouldn't choose to live there, personally. But I know lots of people do it. They love it and adore it. And they think it's a wonderful place to live. The actual, when you drive in the sign that says "Welcome to Norwich", it's like monk here is a fine city. So welcome to Norwich of Fine City. And I do believe it's a fine city with fine people. But no, I probably wouldn't live there. If you went to England, I would highly suggest you go and my mother would be a great tour guide. She is a wealth of information with history of knowledge.

Scott Anthony Barlow 06:37

Well, that is one of my favorite things in the world to go places where there are built-in tour guides. So next time we go to England, then your mom is getting the call. I stand corrected. The record is corrected. You did not tell me that, I did not visit. We are now all corrected all is good.

Alistair Marshall 06:55

But I will say, when I was 18 and a batch of university, the summer before I left, my final summer before going to university, I was like counting the days as I am ready to get to a new big city and make that happen for myself. So I definitely was happy to leave but not happy to return. This one of those things that you look back and you appreciate it so much more now my wiser years than they did in my youth, for sure.

Scott Anthony Barlow 07:20

I can completely appreciate that. Because I graduated high school from Moses Lake Washington, and then swore I would never be back, not in a million years, why would I be and then now this is the place, now that I can live in any place in the world, this is the place that I choose to live. So I can very much appreciate that. So after you left, then what took place from there? You were 18, you've left, how did your professional career get off to a start?

Alistair Marshall 07:47

Yeah, so I went to University of Leeds which is in the north of England, and after my first year[e] I needed a job and so I got a job at Topshop. Now, unfortunately, doesn't exist. It was huge in the UK, came to the US in the few cities but didn't really make it work. But in the US, it was a huge brand is like a J.Crew. Everyone knows about J.Crew pretty much right, or Banana Republic or whatever, Forever 21 and we have Topshop. So went to Topshop, and the funny thing was, I fought, this is so crazy, for one semester, I joined the Ultimate Frisbee team and I don't know if you're familiar with Ultimate Frisbee, but...

Scott Anthony Barlow 08:22

Oh, I am.

Alistair Marshall 08:23

I thought you would be. It is a sport, it's kind of like semester one, I was like, I just couldn't say yes to everything. My friend was joining this frisbee team. I was like, "Sure, I'll do that." I mean was not a great fit for me. I'm not particularly sporty, but it was cute and I enjoyed it. But on my resume in like interests, I put Ultimate Frisbee. And when she went through like the 2 or 300 resumes that she'd got for, you know, part time sales associate at Topshop, she said the thing that was different about mine was the fact that I had this Ultimate Frisbee thing on the resume, as we know can look really similar. Right? And this is before LinkedIn, you can't really go into any more detail than other than this A4 piece of paper that had basically nothing on because I was 18, right? So she saw that, thought she was interested, wanted to get me in to understand that. And then we just clicked, she definitely took a liking to me I got the job. And so that I was part time sales associate at a really small Topshop in Leeds and that honestly, I remember my first day there so vividly. I remember the conversations I had with her. And she taught me so much about retail. I went in there thinking like whatever what's retail, which is not a career, it's just selling stuff, and probably realistically like a sort of young, ignorant kind of judgy, kind of perspective on people that work in retail like, hands up. And really quickly I fell in love with it, completely and utterly fell in love with retail. I would take on extra shifts. I would work as much as I could. I mean, some weeks I was working 30 hours a week there while at college taking classes, loved, loved, loved it.

Scott Anthony Barlow 09:57

What did you love about it at the time?

Alistair Marshall 09:59

Well, it's what I love about it really to this day, I love the fact that it is a generalist while you are customer service, its people, its team, its development, its sales, its business, its inventory, its stock, its security. I love the competitive nature of retail, you're chasing a goal. I love the fact that as a team dynamic, I love the fact that it's just fashion and it's cool. And you're wearing like beautiful clothing, the visual element of it, the creativity of it. I just think retail is a wonderful, wonderful industry, for people that want to do a bit of everything. It's not a job, you work tough hours, holidays, you're dealing lots of crazy people. But if you can kind of reconcile that for the good, it's a really wonderful thing. And I just took to it really easily. And I kind of was like, I was good at it. I kind of was, I had that point, you know, I know how to do this. And I was like top sales associate and open all these when we used to have store in store credit cards. I mean, they seem to be over now. But that was such a thing back then I opened the most in store credit cards and just loved it and got noticed as well. So I think it was a bit of an ego thing, you know, the hiring manager would have, "I heard about you." Okay, good. That's what I wanted to happen. It just really connected with me on so many levels. Yeah.

Scott Anthony Barlow 11:10

So you got this introduction into retail, you're getting amazing feedback, because you found that, hey, I'm really pretty great at a lot of the pieces that someone needs to be successful in this type of environment. So you're getting all of this positive feedback, the district managers had heard your name, and it was appealing to your ego. What happened next?

Alistair Marshall 11:32

Then I found out, as I thought she was part of a wider group called Arcadia, which had, I think, eight different brands underneath it. So very big conglomerate owned Topshop. And they had a graduate, a retail management training scheme. So my manager was like you should we look at this. And I did and I had to get a certain way to my degree and so forth. And, so I applied for that as kind of the next step after university. And I went to London for the open day and group assessments and all that good stuff. And yeah, and they offered it to me, and I'm really sounding very braggy. But whatever I'm going to lead into my successes. So not only did I get on it, I was the first kind of graduate trainee that they put into the London flagship, so they never had anybody in the London flagship before and I was in a brand called Miss Selfridge, which was just another one of the Arcadia brands. So they put me in the flagship on Oxford Street Oxford Circus, which is, you know, the equivalent of you know, Fifth Avenue, or IDEO, Michigan Avenue, and so forth in London. And yeah, and I kind of straight from Leeds moved to London with a friend and kind of started this year long graduate scheme. And within about six months[f] of being on that scheme, they gave me my own store. So I moved up to be a store manager at 22, in North London and a small myself version, I was a store manager. And that was interesting. I mean, I definitely was over jogged, and I dealt with some insane things that definitely shaped me and weren't easy, but I kind of confronted them face on.

Scott Anthony Barlow 13:04

What was an example of one of those same things?

Alistair Marshall 13:08

I was getting stolen from left, right and center, I mean, my stock loss result. So to put it in perspective, like a good stock loss result would be sort of minus 2%, which is essentially minus 2% of your stock is walking out the door, right? That's like an okay, what it's not great, but it was okay in that particular store. And I got a minus 18%. I just was all about driving sales, and being on the floor with the product, I did not have a clue what was going on around me where it has blinkers on and just was focused solely on kind of just making as much money as possible. And just getting stuff done from probably my team is stealing from me. Gangs are stealing for me, local groups are stealing from me. I mean, it was really insane. I remember that the day they came in, and my resolve not a pretty day, it was difficult cuz they're like, you're like the top performing store in like the South of England, but everyone's stealing from you.

Scott Anthony Barlow 13:55

Also, all of your merchandise is walking out the door for other reasons.

Alistair Marshall 13:59

Yeah. And you're giving it away. I think I learned then, you know that it's important to be able to have a view on everything that is going on as a store manager and a business leader, you've really got to be touching all points. And it's not great to be sort of just narrow focus. So I kind of learned that early on. And then just some really intense people issues. Just I mean, throughout my whole retail career, I have dealt with everything from in store bullying, to, you know, personal, sort of home situations, whether it be divorce or death or suicide. I've dealt with people self harming in my store. I mean, I've dealt with some really dark stuff through my 20s that, you know, definitely now I feel such an appoint experiences to be able to help those people and to be able to learn from those encounters and to partner with HR and so forth. But, you know, when you're working with people every single day, a lot of real life and real stuff comes up. And so that was definitely an interesting part of the job, especially when I became like a US district manager. The head of retail, you know, you really get exposed to lots of different things, but also wonderful things and want to make this really heavy but also tons of you know, succession planning and promotions and people getting the dream job and being able to like get buy their first house with the bonus that they just made and all these wonderful things. But yeah, so I was there till I was 22 and a half. And then I moved to Ted Baker and I was basically at Ted Baker for a decade[g]. I left for a year, sort of two years[h] in and came back. But Ted Baker was really where I became grew up, became a manager that I am, the leader that I am, it was incredibly formative to my life, my time at Ted Baker, I mean, crazy, crazy, crazy decade there. And the reason I'm in America was because of tobacco as well.

Scott Anthony Barlow 15:42

When you say the reason that you're in America, tell me about that.

Alistair Marshall 15:45

So I joined Ted Baker as part of a new leader to come in, in a new position to kind of oversee the size and she's come from gap. And Ted Baker prior to that was a kind of a little bit old school. And they bought this gap person in to kind of bring in a bit more corporate structure, and so forth. So she came in, and she hired like, eight of us all at once and various kind of different roles. So kind of it's similar energy to the kind of when they got the Arcadia position. So I kind of came in sort of shiny, new and fresh out of my sort of Arcadia graduate scheme. And then sort of assistant manager then kind of became my store manager. And then I left to join selvages, which is a big department store, kind of think of sort of Saks or Bergdorf, went there for a year. And then kind of they approached me to come back to Ted Baker to be the flagship manager on Regent Street.

Scott Anthony Barlow 16:29

What made you say yes in that?

Alistair Marshall 16:30

What I loved about Ted Baker, and what I didn't realize I loved that I left was the fact that everything was so close, that self which is was an incredibly layered corporation with a million forms and a million people you have to speak to get anything signed off. And there's an entrepreneurial element at Ted Baker, there's a real appreciation for who you are and your personality, as a brand built on kind of quirkiness and quintessentially Englishness. And they really appreciate your kind of personality and individuality and authenticity. And it was a business that was growing, and expanding and wanting talent and wanting to do things differently. And I didn't really recognize I thought the world, I thought every job was like that, you know, Tim Baker was one of my first jobs, every job must be like this and appreciate individuality and talent and create space for people just to be themselves. And as I've learned since that's not necessarily.

Scott Anthony Barlow 17:24

That's not the case everywhere. We're working on changing that, however.

Alistair Marshall 17:27

Yes, well, indeed. Sadly, that is the case. And so we just I just felt badly boxed in and just I was not myself. So when they came back with this opportunity, it was a great opportunity, a great store. Obviously, there's something wonderful about being romanced back. And I did it and I obviously don't regret it. And I did that well. But I knew really early on that I wanted to be part of the US expansion. And every time the head of the US would be in London out beeline for him, I'd always make sure to carve out time for him, always wanted to be kind of front of mind. And it took a number of years. I mean, I was store manager, and then I became an area manager in the UK for a couple of years[i] doing different parts of the UK kind of moving around. And then there's an opportunity to come to LA for three months back in 2011[j]. They were expanding in Bloomingdale's, they wanted me to come in and be part of this expansion of concession business and Bloomingdale's in the street. And while I was over here, during that time, the West Coast regional left, and so they said, "Do you want to stay and take on the West Coast region be based out of LA?" And I said "yes", obviously within seconds, and the visa happened. And there I was doing the job. And that was incredibly exciting. Then I moved to New York and the East Coast regional for a little bit. And then my final Walter Baker was head of stores US and Canada. And during that time I we expanded the business at 35% growth year on year, we opened up in Canada, which we hadn't opened up in before and Bloomingdale's and all the new stores and Fifth Avenue flagship and hiring tons of people, succession planning, developing current talent to get ready for the expansion and move into those more senior roles. It really was a wonderful, wonderful team. And it was one of those examples. I had a moment like that in Regent Street when I was a store manager when for that just that moment, you've got it all together. But the team that you want. Everyone's in a rhythm. There's trust and safety and excitement. We're all on this mission together. And just for that snapshot it's wonderful. Everyone's getting on with each other, this friendships now from the Regent Street which was you know, 13 years ago[k], I see them on Instagram and so forth. Still, they're still friends, and they still connect and love each other and have bridesmaids and so forth that people's weddings. And then over here, we had that real moment where it was just this alignment. My boss was wonderful. He really created this culture. We're all on the same page. It was this beautiful moment. And I look at those days very, very fondly, for sure. But after 10 years[l], I definitely needed to do something different.

Scott Anthony Barlow 19:51

So that's what I'm very curious about. You and I have had some conversation about that before we brought you on to our team. However, tell me about what caused you to leave Ted Baker because literally every time I've heard you talk about Ted Baker, it's with a fondness that I can't even begin to duplicate that I can hear in your voice.

Alistair Marshall 20:12

Yeah, no people say that often. It's very true. The reason I left was a couple of things, it was, when you're somewhere for 10 years[m], you regularly or most likely aren't getting paid your market value, and I really wasn't. And so there's a little bit of like, taking for granted, he's not gonna leave, you know, he's a life. But I was not getting financially what I needed. So that definitely a component, you know, definitely like things that I did six years ago, five years ago,[n] still getting brought up, like I've moved on, I think we should move on, I've grown, there's still kind of like, you're always a little bit that 24 year old, that they hired or that 22 year old. So the little bit of that going on, I kind of was a little bit bored by this point. I was gonna like I know, everything fell apart a little bit just kind of wasn't getting as excitement about the opportunities and challenges. And then just personally, I was going through a breakup. And I just felt like I needed some freshness just in my life. And so it's kind of a real combination. I wouldn't say that any one of those was more important than the other. But it just the amalgam of that was like it's time for change.

Scott Anthony Barlow 21:11

Well it sounds like in many ways you had outgrown the role, outgrown their perceptions of you for some of the people in the company and outgrown a couple other pieces that had made it so good for so long too.

Alistair Marshall 21:25

I think that's true. I think also, there's an element of being a bit more aware and sort of challenging things in a way that hadn't done because i was growing and changing. Okay, I don't think we should be doing this. This feels really conflicting to my value system. It doesn't feel worth any more. So yes, then I got approached by a recruiter for a job at Christian Dior, which was a VP level, which at that point, I was sort of a manager level, and I was director in US eyes. But in the UK, my title was a manager, the VP level, which just blew my mind, it was in Christian Dior, which is complete other worlds and Ted Baker. I mean, we're talking like the other side of the coin. And I mean, that was a brutal recruitment process. I mean, it was crazy to the point where I actually after the seventh interview, I said to the HR manager that I had developed relationship with us, like, if you don't know by now, it is cool. I'm happy just to walk away from this. I don't know what I need to do or say, because I, this agency that's coming up feels crazy. It was a lot, but I kept persevering. They flew me to Paris. I mean, it was such a sexy experience. They flew me to Paris, my first ever been business class. I thought that was crazy. They live in this gorgeous hotel. My interview was in Christian Dior's former office with a portrait of him on the wall. I mean, crazy time crazy, crazy. And then I got the job. And I was there for only a year[o] actually, because it was not the best fit.

Scott Anthony Barlow 22:47

What made it not the best fit for you? Other than seven interviews was the line.

Alistair Marshall 22:51

I know what it was, I think the job role itself wasn't right, you know, talk about you know, ideal career path and talk about aligning strengths and values with job role. This is a great example when it did not align, you know, I have a generalist mindset, I am juggling multiple different things, but just in your job was very laser focused and very specific. And I really struggled. It also required lots of presentation making and deck making and writing as an officer law, I wasn't with people I was so used to being in stores and just out and about, and I was like, kind of much more in the office space. And that's not good for me. So there's just lots of conflict from a job perspective, I think that the culture just wasn't for me is very buttoned up and it's, you know, the epitome of luxury, I'm a bit more fluid and messy and speak my mind and have energy and I challenged things and that didn't necessarily fit the culture. So those things just kind of played out and I think I knew kind of six months[p] in as I know this is not gonna be good. And then what happened is kept me going as they then pulled me out of my wall who other things, was maternity cover for regional and other prep projects. So that kind of get me go into that year, but I definitely knew that it wasn't the one and actually when I had just been offered Dior, I'd also been reached out to the CEO of the US with Hugo Boss had heard about me for these Bloomingdale's connections wanted to meet, we met and his like, I think there's opportunity if you go both of those coming up. Because I've just taken Dior, this isn't the right timing. So a year later, we sort of kept in contact, you know, ad hoc through the year. So then when I was sort of thinking about leaving and reached out to him and said, "Hey, I'd love to connect." And he was like, "That's crazy. I just had a meeting and your name came up in there." This is you know, the Universe be kingless you know, me and we met, and he basically offered me a job. And then I went from the Dior to Hugo Boss, and that was a much better fit and much better world.

Scott Anthony Barlow 24:47

So that's really interesting and fascinating, and I'm, I think one of the things just knowing you after all of this, that makes you a great career coach and executive coach too, is you've had a variety of not so great experiences in addition to the amazing experiences too, and you get it for lack of a better phrase on not just a functional level, but an emotional level for what goes with that, too. So meant to be a compliment entirely. However, what I'm also doing is leading to a question because I am curious, what about Hugo Boss made it a much better fit, especially after you had just come off a role that, as you said, really didn't align from values, didn't align from sounds like a lifestyle perspective, too, and just how you wanted to be spending your time, some of your strengths, all the things.

Alistair Marshall 25:38

Absolutely. So first of all, just him, he was great. And we really connected. And I really felt like I was working with someone who got me and wanted and knew me, had heard of me and just wanted that he wanted me to come in. And he was very clear what he needed and wanted for me, that was absolutely aligned to what I would want to do in the role, well general role as well as VP of retail in the US. So back in the field, back with my people, back with the stores, which felt super comfortable, because had been my whole life prior to Dior. And I met a few other people along the way if I accepted the job and that all everything connected. And then just really early on it connected, you know, I was back in sorts of people that I understood, they understood me, I was able to implement things, I was able to kind of bring things to the table. And so suddenly, where does this conflict between strengths and values for this sort of 12 month period, then just sort of overnight, and it's suddenly aligned. And then I took note of the emotional and motivational impact that that gave me. It was just so clear that it was the right thing to do. And to your point, just to your point earlier. And I think you and I think the thing that's so important to me in my life generally, and especially as a leader and as a coach is, I always remember I was never born into this position. I have made every single mistake that's ever happened. I have been... I've cried in offices because I thought I couldn't do the job. I've just been told off or been in trouble, I made the mistake. And I celebrated those huge wins and felt that adoration where I've had all of it. I know that it's important to be humble, but everyone has to remember the journey. You know, remember what got you to this point today and speak into that, because it's so important. And that's how you connect with other people. And I think where leaders go wrong is when their ego takes over and they come to you and challenge you something that you did, with no transparency to the fact that they want to make that mistake and, of course they did, you know and it's insane to me that you can't find a connection opportunity by just being vulnerable with me. Like we're gonna get a lot further quicker if you can do that for me, because then I want to do that for you. So that's something that I always like to bring to the table as a coach, which is I'm never gonna act like, "What? This is crazy." I didn't know what you're talking about. It was nonsense. I'm like, yeah, I get that. I also get why people stay in jobs when they aren't happy for reasons outside and above. You know, their boss like I can't leave. I've got responsibilities. I've got, like ego attached to this, I'm struggling to understand why I can't let go. I get that too. I stayed in Dior probably for longer for reasons that in hindsight didn't really matter. But at the time, they felt really real. So yeah, I think it's really important to remember where you came from what got you to today.

Scott Anthony Barlow 28:15

What did it feel like, you mentioned Hugo Boss, and you had such a stark contrast between Dior where it was a clear non fit. And then you made a move to this other role, company, different people that you're working with that was a much, much, much clearer fit. And you mentioned sort of the emotional response that came along with that. But what was that like? What did that feel like? I've gone through that myself. And I remember it very, very, very vividly. So I'm curious, what was that like for you.

Alistair Marshall 28:47

In terms of when I felt the alignment?

Scott Anthony Barlow 28:50

Yeah. How is that different? How is life different? How did it feel different?

Alistair Marshall 28:54

It's not just incredibly enlightened, and like opening when you can be shows yourself and really feel that you can really be yourself in that meeting with those people. And you don't have to edit yourself, you don't have to worry about what you're saying or thinking or sharing. You know, whether it be that your personal life, all points of view on things. And it feels a element of safety and collaboration. And that's what I really got in those early days and an appreciation for what I was bringing to the table and the opportunity to be challenged and learn from each other. And that just felt so freeing, I guess is the word I'm looking for, like to be in that space when I hadn't had that for that past year. And I felt every time I go into a meeting I would be so buttoned up and so like in my head like overthinking, worrying about how it's coming across, feeling judgment towards others and people judging me and so complicated. So when I didn't have that it just felt good. And I think it's kind of like when you're in a relationship as well. And you get out of that relationship and you're like wow, I was really just like having to like be a version of my tough to get through this. And now I don't have to do that it just it feels so much freer. So I think that sense of freedom and authenticity felt really good. And you know, that first year and a half[q] at Boss was was fun. And that continued until it didn't.

Scott Anthony Barlow 30:15

So tell me about that, then. When you left, what caused that? How did everything shake out, at some point you decided to pursue coaching as well as a pathway for yourself. So take me through that.

Alistair Marshall 30:30

What do you what happened was, that was a huge leadership shift at the top top level in the US. So the people that hired me, you know, moved on, and new people came in, and new people came in with a very specific approach and style that was definitely in conflict to what was and it conflict to who I was. And that really took its toll. And I think I tried to get on board. And I tried to kind of get in line as best I could. But ultimately, there was a real conflict between who I was and what they wanted. And I could see that like, my highest self could be like, could recognize that I am not the person they what they want for this job, their expectations, as well as changed. What they want this world to be is what not what I want to do. And I'm seeing this play out and decisions that were being made really conflicted with my sense of morality and my value system and in really deep ways. And that was very challenging for me and I thought were complicit to decisions being made. I didn't agree with, that was a struggle for me, I wasn't being authentic to myself or to my values with what I believe in.

Scott Anthony Barlow 31:40

What's an example of that?

Alistair Marshall 31:41

I don't know, just HR decisions, you know, people decisions, hiring decisions, views on the team, views on how to treat people, and they much a heart leader, you know very much think there's a way in which you can be a business leader and make really tough decisions, and drive the P&L and achieve those top and bottom line objectives while also considering the people in it. And maybe we'll take an extra three weeks to get to that result, because we have to do our due diligence, but that's the right thing to do. And they probably were more sort of head got leaders, which was like this just got to get this done. The most important thing is the top and bottom line number. And that's just not how I am. And it's not that they ran a business, they got the business results that they wanted, life goes on. And people in the organization agreed with it and one bored with it, but I really wasn't. So I kind of was like, I don't want to do this anymore. And I also think I was at a point at that went 15 years[r] of retail, where maybe need to do something different, you know, since I've got to the US, I was traveling every week[s], I was constantly on airport being like 29 states, I've been to every mall you can imagine. And that was sexy and fun in those early years. And then it became very grueling, exhausting in the later years, and I felt like I was missing my life in New York, and relationships, and friendships and birthdays and events, and just all of those things. So it was kind of a combination of my life, just feeling like it wasn't what I wanted to be, I put on weight, I didn't feel happy. I wasn't sleeping well. Plus, I just didn't like the direction that the business was going in to confirm this conflict. So I was like, what am I going to do? And so throughout my whole career I've enjoyed and had feedback around my mentorship and coaching and passion around people. I mean, Ted Baker really instilled that into me for those 10 years[t]. I mean, we always the importance of people and and action plans and development and honestly conversations and coaching and mentoring. So it was very much inside of me. So someone's like, "you should be coaching" I was like "what's that?" And so I kind of did my coaching certification with CTI and started kind of slowly building that kind of consultancy and meeting clients. And then I decided to kind of quit my job and jump in and focus on it fully. And yet, I kind of didn't look back, I mean, definitely moments of deep imposter syndrome and fear and all that juicy stuff. But I definitely am glad that I did it. And the last sort of two and a half, three years[u] have been revealing and challenging and exciting and motivating. But I was glad to be able to pivot out of retail, it's not easy to pivot out of an industry at all. And I definitely have pride within myself being able to do that. And a real appreciation for the people that I worked with on my during my retail years that got me to this point. But yeah, it was a tough time. It was a tough sort of final six months[v] at Boss. I was sad about it. But yeah, it's full on my heart

Scott Anthony Barlow 34:17

What has kept you coaching? Because here's, I mean, I obviously hired you for our team and brought you on board. So pretty familiar with your experience. But I would say that arguably with the type of experience that you have, you could go and you could do most anything you wanted to. I'm 100% sure, you know, you didn't know you over the past few months or whatever it's been that you wouldn't want to do everything but you could pretty much probably do most things that you might want to do. So what's kept you heading in the direction of coaching? Why is that?

Alistair Marshall 34:52

Yeah, and thank you, appreciate that compliment. I think ultimately what I like is the diversity of this world, you know, I work with people who are diverse, and instead theirselves and their backgrounds and the way that they exist to walk through life and their journeys. And that's fascinating to me. I'm incredibly curious. Some may call it say nosy, but I'm very curious about people. And I like to find out what people journey and where they came from what they're looking for. So the diversity people they work with, the industries and dealing with different challenges, being able to be able to impact people, if I can, or just help them look at things differently, help them get out of their way, help them find the leadership voice that they're looking for, help them find the career that they're looking for, help them to find the alignment, you know, I know what it's like, when you don't feel that, you feel really stuck, you don't know where to start, and how good it feels when you get unstuck and you make that shift. So I like the fact that every day is different, and the people I work with are different. And you can build really beautiful relationships with people, I have some clients that I would consider friends, I hope they feel the same way, you know that we're really integral into each other's lives. And that's lovely. Not saying every relationship has to be like that. But it's nice if you get to that point. And I've met some incredibly generous people who helped me with my business and grow my business. And I've learned a lot about myself through the people that I coach and being an entrepreneur and building something is super exciting. And the work life balance is wonderful. You know, the fact that I can do this remotely is great. So if I have to go back to the UK for two months[w], I can do it, I have to ever want to move to LA like I just did recently from New York, I can do that, you know that flexibility is nice. And what I also really enjoy from the leadership executive side is helping leaders be better leaders and make their people stronger and create better cultures, you know, help somebody find a job, that is their dream job. And they go in and they want all their team to find their dream jobs and help you know, internal mobility and all those things are just very fulfilling and rewarding.

Scott Anthony Barlow 36:46

Very cool. I am wondering how you feel about answering a few questions from real people here. You gain for it. I know we talked a little bit about it beforehand. And we just spent a bunch of time on your story. And I also want to spend a few minutes here. How's that sound?

Alistair Marshall 37:07

Always I wanted to be in agony on. So maybe this can be my moment. Ready onto the US, I don't have agony on.

Scott Anthony Barlow 37:14

No, I don't even know what that is.

Alistair Marshall 37:17

The agony I get, way into the newspaper. And you'd like dear whoever the economist was, and you'd be like, and it's a place where you'd ask questions, you get your questions answered.

Scott Anthony Barlow 37:26

Oh yes! We are totally doing that. This is happening right here. Yes.

Alistair Marshall 37:30

I think it make sense, I guess when you hear our context. So but yes, that's what it is.

Scott Anthony Barlow 37:35

Okay. All right. We are doing this then. So this question comes from Brian. And Brian says, "I've been wondering this for a while. Thinking big seems to be a part of making an effective career change. For instance, I hear the advice to ask positively framed questions to help get past some of the self limiting beliefs that people have about what's possible for them. But I imagine people can sometimes take it too far. So when you're working with someone, how do you help them differentiate between bold positive career goals and things that are just naive or presumptive? Or maybe even ridiculous to give one practical example, how do you help someone arrive at a reasonable range for salary expectations?" There's a few questions rolled up into one. But tell me a little bit about your thoughts. How do we differentiate between those bold and positive those things that are really positive versus the ridiculous?

Alistair Marshall 38:26

So I mean, my first sort of response to this is, I think it's really interesting to discuss the naive assumptions and ridiculous. So I don't think that any dream or goal should never be called ridiculous. So I think the minute we start limiting and editing ourselves, like, "Oh, I shouldn't ask that. That's ridiculous. I shouldn't put on my brainstorm, because people are gonna think that's silly" then we're really limiting ourselves. So I always encourage clients, just go crazy, it is absolutely about quantity. I want you to fill that paper with as many things that are important to you as possible, however crazy, I want to have a job where I only fly on a private jet, and I want a driver, and I want gold stocks. Okay, fine. Because then what you can do is what is working. What does that really mean? So when we similar that down that thing that you think is ridiculou, what is the thing that's coming from there? So for example, if you said, I want to be a billionaire, that's my goal to be a billionaire, right? Maybe a little bit ridiculous. Hope you can do it. Good luck. What you're really saying to me, we're saying maybe that financial security is actually really important to you. All you're saying you want the ability to be able to make choices in your life and money, not be the thing that holds you back, and so forth. So the first thing Brian, is I would never call anything you say naive or ridiculous or assumptions. So go crazy, think big. And together, we can kind of simulate that and figure out exactly what that represents for you.

Scott Anthony Barlow 39:49

I'm also curious from your perspective, I can only think of one situation that I've ever had somebody put something out there that maybe I might consider to be impossible. But I would say almost everyone, like with the exception of that type of situation, this was like we are going to manufacture unicorns and you know, bring them to life. And who knows, maybe that's not even impossible too, but rarely is something actually impossible. Usually I find that it's on the other side of the coin. And actually, we did a three part series a while back called "The Wildly Unrealistic" episodes is a three part series on the podcast maybe two years ago[x]. And we actually went through and we had over 30,000 people tell us what they wanted to do. And we had them list out things that they considered to be wildly unrealistic. And out of all of those answers, we didn't get anything. 30,000 people, we didn't get anything that was wildly unrealistic. So what we learned from that is that it's most of the time, us doing exactly what you said Alistair, which is editing ourselves, versus actually putting something out there that is you're too bold or naive or actually unrealistic. I love your perspective on that.

Alistair Marshall 41:05

Yeah, for sure. And I think, you know, in a business perspective, I always say to people come up with 100 ideas, and crazy they are because I did seven plus idea 29 mixed with a little bit of idea 50, mix that all together, maybe that is the idea. If we give ourselves two ideas, and we're not going to have ever got to those other ideas. So it's just like, keep it going, keep it going. And then there's a step in terms of the filtering and the extraction of what it really means.

Scott Anthony Barlow 41:29

That is so great. You up for another question? Yes, do it. Okay, so this one comes from Maureen. And she said, "Hey, here's a hypothetical that may or may not be hypothetical, your former company called you to see if you're interested in coming back." Hey, by the way, does it sound familiar? "How do you determine if it is a case of the grass was not greener on the other side, or the career was the wrong fit? During the last two weeks[y], the company announced some organizational changes, I stayed in contact with the former colleagues, they are much happier with the changes. I don't necessarily know what changed are all the details of what had changed." So some of our other questions here are, "How do you know if you made a mistake leaving the last company?" And she says, "I'm struggling to find something that excites me and pays extremely well." So it sounds like there's a few different elements rolled into this.

Alistair Marshall 42:20

Yes, Maureen. I can understand this. I mean, the first thing I would definitely encourage you to think about is 'why you left'. So I think there's some reflection really on that decision. Because we can really look back at the timeline, when it wasn't even when somebody left their chart, why you left. We can look back on these things with rose tinted glasses. And you know, and look at my example of why I left Ted Baker, which is honestly, the reason I left was for money. That was the only reason I left I was unhappy, I just was going to get a significant pay bump by moving. And that's the reason why I did it. So when they came back to me, I knew that was the reason and so I was happy to jump back in. It wasn't anything deeper than that. But you know, if you left for the reasons, for example, I left Hugo Boss where there was conflict in values or leadership direction. That's real, right. And that's something that you have to be really mindful of has that shifted? And has that changed? So I think first of all, doing some reflection on kind of the reason why you left, I think it's really important. I think it's really interesting why that there's these organizational changes, but it's super, super fresh, and super new. So I think as much as there might be belief that these changes are going to make these big impacts, you've kind of got to be comfortable to be like, well, what is today does that work, not what it could be in three to six months[z], the things that they're saying is gonna be cool if we get there, but what does the job today exactly how it is feel good, and connect with what you're looking for. So I think that also is important. And then I think the work around strengths and values, right? So it would be super interesting to look at your ideal career path and understand exactly what you're looking for from a strength and value perspective, and then do some work around seeing that alignment with the wall that is today. So I think they're the kind of things I would consider.

Scott Anthony Barlow 43:59

I think those are really great points, starting out with what you said about go back to the reasons why you've left. And depending on what those are, you might have the answer right there. Then the other thing she said at the very end where she said, "I'm struggling to find something that excites me and pays me extremely well." If that is one of the big reasons why you're considering going back to this organization, in this hypothetical here, then that might give you some clues right there about whether or not that that is it right. If that's the primary reason why you're in the hard parts of career change. And because you're in the struggles, then this other thing where you were is beginning to look better and better and better, then I would encourage you to stay the course as opposed to do that, but only your hard work on what creates that ideal career strengths and values, all the things that you mentioned Alistair are going to help provide the answers for that.

Alistair Marshall 44:56

And here's a really good point, when we start looking at things as we're feeling like, we don't know where we're going, you're right, then things start looking much more interesting. That's something we should challenge ourselves. Where are we at from a motivational headspace perspective and a mindset perspective when we're considering things. And yeah, I agree with you maybe stay the course.

Scott Anthony Barlow 45:14

There's a moment actually, sometimes many, many moments, sometimes spread over a long period of time with literally every single person that we have helped as an organization where they go through what Seth Godin might call 'The Dip', what we will call, you know, hitting the wall, and they go through a period where they are struggling, sometimes multiple periods where they are struggling. And that is right before they get to the breakthroughs. Sometimes that lasts for a while, but I have yet to see a situation where that doesn't happen in some variation or another. So Maureen, you might be right in the middle of that, too, which is the hardest place to be.

Alistair Marshall 45:53

It's like going food shopping at the supermarket when you're hungry. It's never a good idea people. We end up filling our carts with crazy things that we absolutely don't need, because we're hungry. And I think it's sometimes it's similar analogy to this.

Scott Anthony Barlow 46:06

Oh, yeah. Let's do one more here. This one comes from Daniel. Daniel asks, "What are some tools you guys suggest for identifying roles or companies that would interest you?" Daniel goes on to say, "I continue to struggle answering this question. Also, if you find roles or side projects you're interested in, how many would you suggest pursuing all at once?" And he gives a little bit more context, he says, "I find myself uncomfortable looking at just one role or industry out of fear that it won't be what I'm looking for, but also find myself stretched for time." So there's a lot of different things going on.

Alistair Marshall 46:40

Sure. I mean, I think looking at the identifying well of the companies is really important, the way I would start looking at is very macro and very large levels. It's just start thinking about what brands and companies just overall excite you, right, the big ones, you know, the apples of the world, and so forth. So what are the big ones that excite you, or brands you buy into, and so forth? And then I think kind of dig a little bit, what is it about that brand, what is it they do, is their mission, is it their values, and tart trying to understand a little bit about why you're so kind of attached and interested in these brands, you know, that's a good starting point. And then I think once you start seeing some patterns, I think then it's about digging a little bit deeper, and trying to kind of find other, they say Apple was the one, find other tech brands maybe so then we start looking at, you know, Twitter, and Facebook and Spotify and so forth. And maybe that's that starts forming a pattern that the work that they do, or the sort of how modern they are, the ways of working like interesting to you. So that's how I really start. And once you start doing that, then it's about kind of superimposing your own values on to those companies and seeing if there is that alignment, because there can be brands that you love, and you have to want to work there. But I think trying to find that kind of comparison is a good starting point, I mean, then was really great. If you really want to go, the extra step is kind of get into LinkedIn stuff, seeing who works there, maybe you have some connections, reaching out, maybe try to organized, let someone to have a coffee with you, or jump on zoom and just trying to find out what actually is like inside is a great additional piece or looking at job roles that are posted, looking at the job descriptions, understanding what they're looking for, does that make sense to you in line with their strengths and values. But that's kind of the next step. But I think just that broad overarching look is a good starting point. And then you're talking side hustles, the more of our side hustle, I think side hustles are great, side projects are great. But I think it's about being really mindful about what that side project is giving you. So for example, I know people that do side projects that fulfill a value that their job doesn't give them. So if you're someone that's an artist, or really creative, and you're in a role that doesn't allow you to express that your side project can be the thing that allows you to do that. So I have a friend, for example, that's starting the production company. So she's creating kind of content that she's really excited about. Right. And that fulfills the creative side of her. So that's one thing I think understanding why you're doing it, if it's financial or learning a new skill etcetera, and then I think is about understanding truthfully, how much time you have and how much time you want to dedicate to this. Because it can get very tiring very quickly working five days a week, suddenly, you've got a whole weekend of these side projects, you've got to get done, then it's Monday again, and someone's got to give. So I think it's about trying to understand the ROI. How important is this side hustle to me, and why do I need it? And ultimately, how much time do I want to allocate to this that feels right to me? And they're the kind of questions that I would have asked myself, you know, and we have the tool, the Masters, forgotten the name of it.

Scott Anthony Barlow 49:36

The master schedule. It is modern great tool. Yes.

Alistair Marshall 49:39

Master schedule.

Scott Anthony Barlow 49:40

There's a lot of names for that, master schedule is one of them that I've heard over the years. But yeah, that's a great tool for... you can almost think about it as time budgeting.

Alistair Marshall 49:49

Yes. And I think that would be a great starting point. Get that master schedule, plot in everything that you've got going on. Look at how that visually looks on that one page and then decide how much time you got to dedicate to this side project, but I support side projects. But I think it's about balance.

Scott Anthony Barlow 50:04

And if you haven't heard of a master schedule before, just think about it as, it's not serving the same function as a calendar. Calendar is where you need to be at an exact time instead is trying to look at, hey, if I have 24 hours a day for a period of an entire week, where do I want to spend my time? And how does the ideal way that I spend my time look for me based on my priorities, and then going through the exercise to try and allocate literally every minute for that, recognizing that real life is going to impact it, but if you don't start out, knowing where you want to go with how you spend your time, it's gonna be really difficult to be able to make that happen. It's not gonna happen by accident, certainly. So master schedule is a great, easy tool that anyone can use just on a sheet of paper drawing out an entire week.

Alistair Marshall 50:52

The health plan, I think, don't underestimate time just to sit and just to be, you know, I think that's also really important. And when I did it, I was like, I just need I actually do need like an hour a day just to sit and have nothing scheduled that's important to me, there's a great way of kind of hold yourself accountable to that.

Scott Anthony Barlow 51:06

I think you mentioned a really important piece, actually mentioned a lot of important pieces. But what I'm going to key in on here, when you're talking about the side projects, you mentioned, hey, you've got to focus on where your priority lies. I can't remember exactly how you termed it. But that's what I took from it. And I think that can help you get clues as to what's going to be right for you. So it may not be a certain number. I know, Daniel, you asked about, you know, how many is the right number, how many would you suggest pursuing at once? And there's other ways to look at it too, rather than saying, I'm going to pursue a limit of two side projects, it might be time limiting it. This is a trick that I use all the time where I'm saying, you know, I'm going to pursue this for 60 days. And if it doesn't meet this criteria, and this other criteria that I've decided that in advance, at the end of those 60 days, and I'm just going to stop. And I'm going to be okay with that. And I'm going to feel better about it because I decided that in advance. So it's not just me reacting to it. And that's actually something I did really, really recently when I started a hockey coaching online business as a side project and ran it for I think it was 90 days that it projected out and decided at the end of that you know what, this is fun. You can make it really successful. But I don't want to do this.

Alistair Marshall 52:16

Right. Yeah, a side project that we're taking on in our own personal time has got to be additive. Now how is additive can be done to you whether it's financial, whether it's just fun, whether you're learning a new skill, learning a new skill and expressing a value that you don't get in your life. It's got to be additive. And so it's not additive that you've got to really ask yourself why you're saying yes to it.

Scott Anthony Barlow 52:37

Alistair, thank you very much for the really great feedback to these questions. And then also, thanks for coming on and sharing your story. And you told me that this is the first podcast you had ever been on. I couldn't tell. And also, I appreciate we get to be your first.

Alistair Marshall 52:55

And I said to my friend, I was like now on, I can say I've been on a podcast the rest of my life.

Scott Anthony Barlow 53:00

The rest of your life.

Alistair Marshall 53:03

Yes. And as like, enjoy doing off hours to sentence anytime you want to bring in and ask Alistair, feel free. I'm always available, Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 53:10

Nice. I love it. Appreciate it.

Alistair Marshall 53:12

Thank you so much.

Scott Anthony Barlow 53:13

Hey, many of the stories that you've heard on the podcast are from listeners that have decided that they wanted to take action, and taking the first step of having a conversation with our team to try and figure out how we can help. And if you want to implement what you have heard, and you want to completely change your life and your career, then let's figure out how we can help. So here's what I would suggest. Just open your phone right now and open your email app. And I'm going to give you my personal email address: scott@happentoyourcareer.com just email me and put 'Conversation' in the subject line. And then when you do that, I'll introduce you to the right person on our team. And you can have a conversation with us. We'll try and understand your goals and what you want to accomplish in your career no matter where you're at. And we can figure out the very best way that we can help you and your situation. So open up right now and send me an email with 'Conversation' in the subject line. scott@happentoyourcareer.com

Scott Anthony Barlow 54:24

Negotiation is one of my very favorite things. I know that makes me weird. I'm totally okay with that. However, what I found is the difference between an average career change and a very, very successful career change often lies in the negotiation.

David Sally 54:41

Part of that is just the way our minds are wired for important decisions and negotiation. You know, negotiating a job offers is somehow no different than retirement savings and that level but it's also people don't know what to do to prepare.

Scott Anthony Barlow 54:57

That's David Sally. He's an award winning teacher of negotiations with many years of business experience, but he's also an author of a really wonderful book on negotiation called "One Step Ahead". He shares what makes someone a really great negotiator. And guess what? It's probably not what you think. All that and plenty more next week[aa] right here on Happen To Your Career, make sure that you don't miss it. And if you haven't already, click Subscribe on your podcast player, so that you can download this podcast in your sleep, and you get it automatically. Even the bonus episodes every single week, sometimes multiple times a week. Until, next week. Adios! I'm out.

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Ready for Career Happiness?

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Being Happy in an Exhausting Job

on this episode

Many of us get exhausted. Maybe it’s because of a lack of sleep. Maybe it’s from working too much or too hard. Maybe it’s from stress.

You know the feeling – you get done with work, mindlessly drive home, and all you want to do is sit on the couch and eat pizza.

If you don’t know what that’s like (or you don’t like pizza), you’re in the minority.

However, most of us have experienced this draining feeling.

But being exhausted doesn’t mean that it has to be a negative in your life.

Laura Morrison was used to being exhausted from her job.

She made a career change to a job that provided her meaning and fulfillment.

Laura was still exhausted, but it was different now.

“Whereas I would leave work before exhausted because I was bored. I was kind of frustrated with myself for continuing to be bored. So, I still leave work exhausted. It’s just that now the exhaustion is from kind of flexing my brain and personal development and kind of much more excitement about the work that I’m doing and being invested in it.”

Laura comes back on the podcast to share her experiences since making her career change about 18 months ago.

Not only does she talk about what she calls “happy exhausted,” she also talks about the struggles of having a newborn and the shift in her priorities. This shift occurred from deeper self-awareness and led to another career change.

Listen to the episode today to hear the details of her story and see what it’s really like after making a like-impacting career change.

What you’ll learn

  • The ways a growing family changes your growth curve
  • The time it takes to get comfortable with a new role
  • How to adjust to a new role that’s different from what your expected
  • Why sometimes exhaustion is not necessarily a bad thing
  • What it means to thrive

Laura Morrison 00:03

Yeah. I think it's a happy exhausted. That manifests itself in a lot of ways. So, I'm really busy, but I'm also very happy, which means I'm focused on other parts of my life, and improving those areas.

Introduction 00:19

This is the Happen To Your Career podcast, with Scott Anthony Barlow. We help you stop doing work that doesn't fit you, figure out what does and make it happen. We help you define the work that's unapologetically you, and then go get it. If you're ready to make a change, keep listening. Here's Scott. Here's Scott. Here's Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 00:43

Over the next several months[a], we're going to be bringing some past guests back on the podcast to be able to catch up with them and show you in the series that we call, "where are they now", how things have changed since we last had them on the show. Because one of the things that we've realized, as we've talked about it behind the scenes is, a lot of times when you hear the stories that we've shared on the podcast, you just get a snapshot on in time, and you don't realize how much one intentional career change and going through the effort to learn how to make a really intentional career change that lines much more with your strengths, and what you want out of life and work. Going through all that effort to be able to make that happen, it doesn't just change your job once, it changes how you look at it for your entire life. Yesterday[b], I shared Laura Morrison story from last time she was on the podcast. And if you haven't listened to that, definitely go back in your podcast feed, find yesterday's episode, and it will be so much more helpful to fill in her initial story as she made a really amazing transition. And if you've already listened to that, then you already know how she made a really compelling transition. And not only increased her salary, but at the same time found work that really allowed her to grow in the ways that she needed the most, and still continue to be flexible for her family and serve the other areas of her life in what she wanted. Very, very cool, right? But we brought her back on the Happen To Your Career podcast to help you see what's happened since then, how has her life progressed after she did the hard work of making this initial change, and learn how to do that for her life and work. Now, here's something that is really interesting about Laura. And you may have already picked this up in the first conversation, Laura is not somebody who was unaware of herself. In fact, she was very self aware. But she's done such a nice job taking that to a much, much deeper level and really doing that hard work of defining what she wants and needs most. And that has paved the way for her to be able to get into not just a great situation, but continue to modify that situation, continue to evolve that situation for what her life and work looks like and feels like right now. As Laura and I started our conversation today, she's telling me a little bit about how she has a new three year old and sharing some of those struggles.

Laura Morrison 03:21

That's right. Yeah, I have a three-and-a-half-month old named Simon. So, my second child, which is very exciting.

Scott Anthony Barlow 03:27

It's very exciting. And I think the other thing that you told me is that you are surprised the length of the time that it now takes to get out the door with multiple children in tow.

Laura Morrison 03:40

Yeah, absolutely. It's like some sort of scheduling and coordination challenge every time.

Scott Anthony Barlow 03:44

Oh my goodness yes, speaking of learning and growth, there's a whole separate growth curve right there, right?

Laura Morrison 03:50

Exactly.

Scott Anthony Barlow 03:52

Laura, what was going on in your world, the last time we got the opportunity to chat?

Laura Morrison 03:58

So, the last time we chatted, I think my first day at work with the next week at my new role. So, a year and a half later[c], I've kind of been a product manager, and which is a new role for me. But what got me to that point where we're talking a year and a half ago was several years of just being feeling like my job didn't fit me very well anymore. And even though on paper, it was a good job, I had a lot of responsibility, my current career trajectory looked good, kind of unhappy, and I wasn't happy for at least three years[d] where I got stuck was I didn't know what to do with that information. I didn't know what type of role I would be happy in. I didn't know if it was working general that made me unhappy, or the type of work I was doing. And so, I kind of sat in that for a little too long, until I found Happen To Your Career. So, through that process, I think you're right, about seven or eight months[e] I started to discover more about the types of roles I'd be interested in and was able to pivot from an engineering consulting type position to a product manager position.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:04

Which is pretty amazing in itself and if you haven't given yourself a ton of credit for that, that is awesome. It was really cool to be able to have a bit of a front row seat to that happening. But I'm curious what, since that point in time, you pivot it, like we had the chat you went in to work, a year and a half another kid, all this stuff has happened. What else are some of the major points that have occurred since then? What else has happened in your life and career? Catch us up for just a minute or two.

Laura Morrison 05:35

Yeah, I think, career wise, I was surprised. I mean, that I guess surprise is a little strong word. But I didn't expect that it would take so long for me to feel comfortable in a new role, having been in a position where I knew exactly what I used to do all the time, so much so that I was bored. And then going from that to new company, new role kind of high paced environment. It was a lot of kind of struggle, and I was really happy to have made the change. But then I was working really hard to figure out. Okay, how do I become an expert in this new position? How do I learn all of the things? And there's a lot of things in a product management role, if anyone's familiar with one, so that I could feel like I was really thriving again, in a new place. So, year and a half[f], I've launched and then responsible for launching a new product, software product at the company. I've worked with handful of different Scrum teams or engineers who build the software, with various focuses, kind of moving from new product development to thinking about retention goals, and really just learning how to understand the customer perspective, how to make sure the entire organization knows what you're up to. ‘Cause in kind of a world of product management, you're making decisions that affect a lot of people. And it's important that those people understand why and aren't surprised when things change, and things change all the time. So really, I feel like I've spent the last year and a half kind of owning that role and getting up to speed on how to be a successful product manager and how to navigate all of the nuances of that.

Scott Anthony Barlow 07:15

Let me ask you about that. Because obviously, many of the people that are listening right now are considering different types of occupations, different types of careers, and trying to decide for themselves what really is truly right for them. So, from Product Manager, there's a lot of people out there that probably don't necessarily, that maybe have an idea of what product manager is on regular basis or does. But can you provide just a little bit more context? Or maybe even some of the things that surprised you that you didn't know that a project manager did and you got to find out and learn over the last year?

Laura Morrison 07:51

Yeah, well, I mean, I was one of those people who didn't know what a product manager was, I saw it popping up on more and more friends LinkedIn profile titles, but really didn't know myself. So, a product manager in particular, a software product manager is responsible for setting kind of the goals and the roadmap for the software, and then turning in those kind of translating those business goals into work products that the software engineers can develop and put out into the world. So, there's a couple of things in that one of them is, in order to understand what you should build, you really need to understand the customer. And you can do that through data analytics, we have data that shows how many times people clicked on different buttons at the software. And probably more importantly, you talk to a lot of clients or customer facing departments, people on the ground to kind of feel the pain and have this customer empathy. And I mentioned kind of the cross-team communication as well, because I went from a manager role to an individual contributor role. But what's interesting about product management is that you need to be an influential leader. Since you don't know and reports to you, but you have to be able to, have everyone kind of rally around you and your vision so that you can get the work done that needs to be done.

Scott Anthony Barlow 09:10

It seems like from most of the product managers that I've interacted with, and a lot of different industries and companies, some of them have teams, but most of them do not in a lot of different ways and it seems like that influencing piece and project management type piece is very key. Is that fair? Is that a... I'm outside looking in. But would you agree with that? And if so, where?

Laura Morrison 09:36

Yeah, I totally agree with the influencing part, I would say I was a project manager in my last role. What's different about product management is that in projects, they talk about waterfall, but the idea is that you have chunks of work that's dependent on other work, and you look really far out in advance, with a lot of product management are agile product development, your time to move much quicker than that. So, you don't actually wanna know what's happening in six months, you're trying to react really quickly to what's going on. So, you can make changes quickly, test things, see if they're working. If they're not working, try something else. And the idea is you don't wanna invest a ton of time and money and energy and something for six months to find out six months later, it was the wrong place to put your bets. So, you’re kind of moving much more quickly in that way. And it's been a shift for me to stop thinking like a project manager and try to start thinking like a product manager.

Scott Anthony Barlow 10:31

That's interesting. Something I heard you say, maybe two or three minutes ago was about getting back to that point where you were, you called it thriving. And one of the things that I recall from some of our conversations over the last, however long it's been, was that one thing that you were really adamantly wanting was that additional challenge. And I'm almost hearing like you got exactly what you wanted. But be careful what you wish for a little bit. So, help me understand, what about that was wonderful for you? And what about that was different than you anticipated when you set about saying, "Hey, I definitely want a new and different challenge" ‘cause in some ways, it sounds like you got exactly that.

Laura Morrison 11:22

Exactly. Yeah, I think be careful what you wish for is a good one. What's interesting, people ask about the kind of the work and is an incredibly challenging job. It's a really high paced environment that I work in, really high expectations on individuals and teams. And, of course, that can be really trying. But I really enjoy that. I'm being challenged and I'm exhausted, because I'm working hard. And I'm learning every day. And that there's always room for improvement. Whereas I would leave work before exhausted because I was bored. I was kind of frustrated with myself for continuing to be bored. So, I still leave work exhausted. It's just that now the exhaustion is from kind of flexing my brain and personal development and kind of much more excitement about the work that I'm doing and being invested in it.

Scott Anthony Barlow 12:14

What do you feel like is the difference from your perspective and how that feels? Because at the end of the day, all (I shouldn't say all) most routes going through life are hard, most work of many different types is hard in one way or another. A lot of the times it can be exhausting. But you're describing two different types of exhaustion. So, I'm curious, in your mind, what is the difference in the feeling associated with those two different types of exhaustion?

Laura Morrison 12:47

Yeah. I think it's a happy exhausted or depressed exhausted, right. So, I think that manifests itself in a lot of ways. So, I'm really busy, but I'm also very happy, which means I'm focused on other parts of my life, and improving those areas, like, taking care of myself, exercising, eating better. Any sort of personal development, I feel like I have more of an appetite for because I'm in a different brain space where I'm happy at work, I'm challenged at work, I proud of the work I'm doing and the learning. So that's kind of counter to the state I was in before where I was really, I was almost getting down on myself for not making a change so much so that it impacts the rest of my life because I was feeling, I loss of confidence, loss of motivation, kind of just generally discouraged overall.

Scott Anthony Barlow 13:40

That's really interesting. That's a really interesting observation. It almost sounds like the period of time beforehand, it was that type of exhaustion was almost taking over everything. Where, now you're describing still, like, at the end of the day, that more happy exhaustion, but you also mentioned in the same sentence, being able to focus on other areas of your life too versus it just having completely, take over. Is that accurate how I'm perceiving it? And two, what else would you add to that?

Laura Morrison 14:14

Yeah, I mean, it's definitely accurate, I think more that I have the motivation to kind of improve other parts of my life as well. I'd say whether or not work takes over maybe a little. I think about work more than I'm in the office, for sure. Most of the time, I leave work and go home, and I wanna finish whatever it was I was doing. Sometimes it's because there's, a deadline or pressure, but most of the time, it's because I actually just wanna get it done and see it through. So, there's, I have to be a little careful with myself and two young kids to make sure I can shut it down at the door and at least for a few hours. But, yeah, I think there's just something about, if you're happy at work, or if you feel proud of the work you're doing, I think that just spills over into your confidence and in your life in general.

Scott Anthony Barlow 15:06

That's really interesting. So, when you said the words back to thriving earlier, what did you mean, when you use that word thriving? What does that mean in your mind?

Laura Morrison 15:16

To me, I've always been a high achiever, and I set really high goals for myself. From school to work, and in the previous job, I was a top performer, I got promotions, every few years, I had all these opportunities and I think a lot of the thriving, now that I'm striving for is, kind of more just confidence in myself and my abilities. That I can be an expert in a senior product manager and I’ve gotta have all the skills and knowledge to kind of do the job well, where I spent my, at least eight years[g] in my last career, so I had eight years to perfect that and now it's been a year and a half. So, there's always some of that feeling of, “Oh, I haven't done this my whole career, maybe I'm missing something.” But the more I've learned, and the more I spend time with other people in product management roles, I think I realized that the struggles are role related, as opposed to me related. And I would say in the beginning, that was something I really struggled with, is this hard because I need to do something different? Is this hard because that's the role is hard? Or is this hard because of some other factor, like the company situation. And so, being able to untangle that has been really helped me feel more confident as well.

Scott Anthony Barlow 16:37

How much do you think that is related to… well, let me give you some context before I asked the question. I heard you say earlier about, hey, well, I keep thinking about some of the work and I want to get it done is something that I want to push forward. So that indicates to me that some of those things are things that you care about in one way or the other, right? So how much do you think that for you, those challenges are there because you care about the work or what happens with it or something in one way or another versus if that weren't a problem, there would probably be a different problem if you didn't care about the work, maybe that was more in the last situation, and I'm sure. But tell me separate how you're thinking about that?

Laura Morrison 17:28

Yes, it's interesting. I think, personally, I tend to feel a lot of accountability towards other people. So, I don't wanna let myself down. But I also don't want to let other people down. And in a role in an organization where there's never enough time in the day for everything. I think part of that is driving me to wanna wrap things up. But I also would say that I don't think I could be a product manager of every type of company. I think the reason I can do it, where I am now is because I am passionate about the mission of the company, the work that we're doing, and I really believe in it. And I don't think that I would be happy in this role if that weren't the case, because it is a hard role that is challenging, and kind of takes up a lot of my brain space in and out of the office.

Scott Anthony Barlow 18:18

Yeah. Interesting. Totally different question. But I'm curious, as you have gotten the opportunity to learn more and more of what creates more fulfilling work for you, and I've heard you mentioned, and allude to a few of those pieces that create that more meaningful and more fulfilling work for you on an ongoing basis. But how has that understanding impacted your life, your family, your work? Over the last year and a half[h].

Laura Morrison 18:46

I think, I mentioned that being happy in my career has kind of opened a lot of doors for me mentally outside of the office, focusing on kind of being the best parent I can or taking care of myself. So that's definitely a big change. I think it also kind of just helps... it helps me think about, what I want next in my career, so I know that I enjoy roles where I can have a seat at the table where I can make decisions. That's something I've kind of learned about myself in general. So, I like being in charge, for better or worse, right. So, just even knowing that little bit, and that's something I actually learned kind of through some of the tools at my organization kind of switched on its heels what I thought about myself, right. I thought that I really was motivated. And I even said this already by people. But it's a different thing, I don't necessarily wanna hang out and meet new people all the time, that stresses me out, it doesn't always fulfill me, it drains me in different way. But when I get to kind of work with people on ideas that I'm passionate about, or when I get to have a seat at the table, that's when I get energy. So, all that self-awareness is really kind of impacted how I approach work. And it's also something I can come back to and I say, is this still true? Does this role still meet those needs that I have from kind of just what I enjoy doing at work?

Scott Anthony Barlow 20:15

That's really interesting. I think, something that's very subtle and can be lost easily in the conversation, I just wanna take a moment to both provide some context as well as ask you a few questions about one of the... I hear you starting getting into some of the layers underneath the people aspect, because you said, hey, I originally thought that I was really motivated by interacting with people and that's partially true, but only in certain circumstances. And once you get into the layers, and the context surrounding that, that really starts to give you more and more of those keys is what I'm hearing. But I wanted to provide just a little bit additional context to what we see, because I think it can be easily missed, a lot of times, we'll get people that are just a few years into their career all the way to $350,000 income earning executives that will talk to and both of them will say things like, “Hey, I've got these strengths and I really want to help people more.” And that's a lot of times where the conversation starts. But it really gets you closer and closer and closer to creating an ideal life and ideal career, the more that you understand that nuance. So, before I ask my question, I just wanna give you a compliment, because you've done a really great job, both the point in time when we got the opportunity to work with you. And then through the last year and a half understanding that nuance more and more and more. So, here’s my actual question, what advice would you give other people that want to understand more of that context and nuance? Because it always is slightly different than what you set out thinking it might be just like in your case here.

Laura Morrison 21:55

Yeah. One of the exercises I did with you, and the program was kind of write down the moments in your day that make you happy, and maybe some of the ones that don't, right? And try to start to untangle, what is it about that meeting that you enjoyed, or didn't enjoy, right? It's not… not all meetings are the same. Is it that you were with people that you know and have a great relationship with versus people you've never met before, was it that you felt like you couldn't contribute or for other circumstances you couldn't? So, what is it about those kinda day-to-day life and work moments? And there's you, probably hundreds within a day, that kind of either pump you up or kind of push you down. And if you can start looking at those and categorizing them, you might be able to see kind of how the situations are different from a different lens.

Scott Anthony Barlow 22:50

That's super insightful. So, what else have you learned over the last year and a half[i], then that falls in to that category about yourself where you're like, “You know, I thought it was this.” But it's really more about that or as I understand the deeper layers, it's really specifically about this. What's an example of that for you?

Laura Morrison 23:11

See, so I think one which is similar to what I just said, is that I really enjoy people, but only after I've built a relationship with them. So, meeting new people, or the idea of that standard networking, where you go and just talk to a lot of strangers, really not my cup of tea. But if I can have a genuine conversation with someone for five minutes, then I'm completely comfortable all of a sudden. And what that meant, for me from a career standpoint is I can see, there are obviously situations where I need to be out in front with clients and people I don't know. But knowing that allows me to build in some processes that helped me get over that initial kind of hesitation. So, setting up meetings in advance, kind of doing a little research about someone, so I have more of a connection with them, instead of just having a walk up blind and introduce myself. So, it's not that I don't have to do those kinds of harder situations for me. But it's that I am aware that those are hard. And instead of trying to avoid them all the time, I can be more intentional about how to navigate that more successfully.

Scott Anthony Barlow 24:25

That's super cool. And what I hear you saying is maybe even example of how to work within your strengths versus instead of you going to all the networking events and saying, I just got to do this, this is something I just gonna do, I'm just got to get better at it. Instead, you've adopted a completely different approach, and said, hey, I know that meeting new people is important and that goal is important. Or maybe I need to meet specific people, but I can work around it with my strengths and something you do amazingly well, is connecting with people one on one in very… with very insightful conversation, and you're really great observation only, and you come off as, really genuine. And so, what I hear you saying...

Laura Morrison 25:11

Oh, thank you.

Scott Anthony Barlow 25:11

Yeah, absolutely. And meant to be a compliment.

Laura Morrison 25:13

Yeah, absolutely.

Scott Anthony Barlow 25:14

But I think the more that you have been able to observe that about yourself, what I hear you saying is that you can work with that rather than against it and develop processes that work that don't push you into those areas of your, I don't know whatever you wanna call it, weaknesses, we don't believe that there are weaknesses but more anti strengths or things that are not strengths, necessarily. When you think about your role, and you think about over the last year and a half, what else have you observed that it’s just a much better fit with your strengths overall? And just gave me maybe one or two examples of what that looks like.

Laura Morrison 25:56

So, it's easier to explain based on where I was before, versus now. So, the difference, I think, but I was in a client facing consulting role before. And anytime a client said something, it felt like you had to drop everything and respond and that they had to be correct. And I mentioned, I like to be the one who makes decisions. So that kind of ate away at me a little bit. I'd kind of be muttering under my breath. That I don't think this is the right decision. I don't think this is important and try to explain my point, but at the end of the day, have to kind of go ahead and appease the client. So now that I'm not in a direct client facing role, I get to make decisions based on stakeholder input, of course, but at the end of the day, the decision is kind of mine if I can just fight with data and kind of rationale, and that I find really fun and empowering. And while I get to have a kind of a more fun relationship with clients, where I can talk to them about kind of what they want, and what they need without having to answer to that specific individual directly. Is that makes sense?

Scott Anthony Barlow 27:05

That makes a ton of sense. That resonates with everything else I know about you, too. That's amazing. So, let's go the completely opposite way for just a second here. I want you to go way back to that point in time, maybe even three years ago from now, or two years ago[j], where you were in that other role and you already knew that you needed to get out of it. But we're trying to figure out what to do or how to go about it or what you shouldn't even be doing. So now that you're in that mindset for just a second, good or bad, then I want to just ask you, what advice would you give to other people that are in that place right now where they know that they could make a change and want to make a change? And what should they do based on your experience and what you've seen and what you've observed?

Laura Morrison 28:02

Yeah, I think it sounds kind of cliché, but be brave. And make sure that you feel like you deserve it. And if you don't feel like you deserve career happiness, try to figure out why. And I think one of the things that happened kind of outside of our conversations, and before I had found Happen To Your Career was that I was kind of just feeling down all around. And the thing that actually kicked me into gear to feeling more confident and more like I deserved something different was that kind of I did the whole 30, which is a diet and it sounds kind of cheesy, but basically, I lost weight after having my daughter and felt like myself again. I think for women in particular, having kids can kind of mess with all sorts of things physically and emotionally. And so, it’s the first time I felt like myself, and then because I felt like myself again, I was ready to act on what I knew I deserved. But I don't think I could have felt that. I don't think I would have been ready for something like Happen To Your Career if I hadn't first taken control of this other part of my life.

Scott Anthony Barlow 29:10

That's really interesting. I don't think we've talked about that ever. And I think that's… Again, see, here you go being super insightful. Again, you can't even help it. But I think, people do experience that again and again. And one, here's one of the crazy things that we see because I'm a data junkie. And love the Science and the research and the psychology behind the lot of what we get to do, the work with people. But we see again and again, that often the people who we work with that are most successful the most quickly, are those people that have done exactly what you done, where they are coming off some other type of small success or even large success, or change in some way in their life, and have a little bit of confidence, or it's a win that has been associated with that. And that just, I think you put it really well. Making sure that you feel like you're in a place where you feel like you deserve it. That is awesome.

Laura Morrison 30:06

Yeah. Because it's a lot of work right, then this, if you're not committed or you don't feel like you deserve it, it's so easy to just say, well, I'll wait another day, and that day becomes a year. But you have to be brave enough and feeling deserving enough to take the plunge and then dedicate some time and energy to it.

Scott Anthony Barlow 30:24

Laura, this has been absolutely amazing. I'm always excited to chat with you. But this is...

Laura Morrison 30:30

Right back at you.

Scott Anthony Barlow 30:31

Yeah, absolutely. This has been a lot of fun. Thank you so much for making the time and taking the time amongst everything else with multiple kids and roll that is semi new in the last year and a half and everything else that's going on. I appreciate it.

Laura Morrison 30:44

Absolutely.

Scott Anthony Barlow 30:46

Hey, many of the stories that you've heard on the podcast are from listeners that have decided they wanted to take action, and taking the first step of having a conversation with our team to try and figure out how we can help. And if you want to implement what you have heard, and you want to completely change your life and your career, then let's figure out how we can help. So here's what I would suggest, just open your phone right now and open your email app. And I'm going to give you my personal email address, scott@happentoyourcareer.com just email me and put 'Conversation' in the subject line. And then when you do that, I'll introduce you to the right person on our team. And you can have a conversation with us, we'll try and understand your goals and what you want to accomplish in your career no matter where you're at. And we can figure out the very best way that we can help you and your situation. So open up right now and send me an email with 'Conversation' in the subject line; scott@happentoyourcareer.com.

Scott Anthony Barlow 31:56

Since I started this podcasting company way back in 2013[k], we've worked with so many people that have spent years or even decades, climbing to the top of the corporate ladder, only to realize it's not what they really want, or that they have checked off all their goals been promoted very fast, taking all of the jobs had been put in front of them done an amazing job. And it's no longer what they want. And they're faced with a decision, stay in role they worked so hard for or leave it and start over. Now, if you're like me, that sounds like a terrible choice. Fortunately, there are so many other options that actually work far better than either of these two that I just presented.

32:44

And people in the organization agreed with it and one boared with it, but I really wasn't. So I kinda was like, I don't want to do this anymore. And I also think I was at a point at that point 15 years[l] of retail, where maybe I need to do something different.

Scott Anthony Barlow 32:57

All that and plenty more next week right here on Happen To Your Career. Make sure that you don't miss it. And if you haven't already, click Subscribe on your podcast player so that you can download this podcast in your sleep, and you get it automatically. Even the bonus episodes every single week, sometimes multiple times a week. Until next week[m]. Adios. I'm out!

[a][0:44] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[e][04:52] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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[f][06:24] @joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

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Life’s Great Question with Tom Rath

on this episode

Contribution is often overlooked as we look at creating a career that is fulfilling and meaningful.

Tom Rath joins us to help you discover how you contribute to the world. Tom has written many books, his newest out is out now and it is titled, “Life’s Great Question: Discover How You Contribute to the World.” He also wrote “Strengths Finder 2.0” and the Clifton Strengths assessment that goes along with it.

What you’ll learn

  • How fighting cancer led to Tom’s writing
  • The challenge leadership faces to help people see how they make an important contribution
  • How to find the intersection between passion, personality, and demand
  • The myth behind finding your purpose
  • How you can challenge yourself and your assumptions to grow and contribute in a more meaningful way

Books that Tom has authored or coauthored 

StrengthsFinder 2.0 

Eat Move Sleep – How Small Choices Lead To Big Changes 

Life’s Great Question 

Wellbeing – The Five Essential Elements

Strengths Based Leadership

It’s Not About You: A Brief Guide To A Meaningful Life

How Full Is Your Bucket?

Are You Fully Charged?

Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford To Live Without

How Full Is Your Bucket? For Kids

Assessments that Tom has helped to create

Strengths Finder 2.0 now known as Clifton Strengths Assessment

Contribify

Success Stories

“It’s hard to find something that fits, that’s why so many people change careers. When I finally understood my strengths and how I could apply them it all made sense. It just made it easier to see what types of jobs and roles would fit me. In my new career I get to do the marketing that I love with a company I’m excited about.”

Kirby Verceles, Sales & Marketing Director

All the stars aligned and I ended up finding the right thing at the right place at the right time, and it was you guys! Everything that you said was speaking to me and the things that you had done in the job that you had transitioned out of and into. Also how finding work that you love is your passion for people! Honestly, it was you Scott, I mean, the way that you talked about it, how passionate you were, I was like, there's no way he's gonna put out a faulty product. So I'm gonna try it, you know… I recommend you to all my friends, you know, even if they don't realize that they're looking for a new job, I'm like this is the first step, let's do this! Even if you maybe don't move out of this career. This is going to help!

Maggie Romanovich, Director of Learning and Development, United States/Canada

With Phillip's help, I was able to believe that this is the area that I should be in because I just feel a lot of passion towards it. And the aspects of "what if I'm not paid enough, after transferring into this new field?" HTYC motivated me to not be afraid of those things, and just keep looking and connecting with people.

Vicky Meng, Treasury & Finaincial Analysis, United States/Canada

Tom Rath 00:01

The current apparatus and language we have for describing why we do what we do and kind of summarize in our careers, it's resumes and job descriptions, for the most part. And I couldn't imagine a more cold and sterile and lifeless way to sum up a person if I worked on it, than a resume.

Introduction 00:22

This is the Happen To Your Career podcast, with Scott Anthony Barlow. We help you stop doing work that doesn't fit you, figure out what it does and make it happen. We help you define the work that's unapologetically you, and then go get it. If you're ready to make a change. Keep listening. Here's Scott, Scott. Here's Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 00:46

Tom Rath, is a best selling author and researcher who has spent the past two decades studying how work can improve human health and well being. He's written a variety of books, his newest out is now available, and it's titled “Life's Great Question” discover how you contribute to the world. And if you don't recognize his name right away, I'm 100% sure that you'll recognize Strengths Finder 2.0, and the assessment that goes along with that book. We've talked about it many times on this show, but I'll tell you that additionally, while doing all of his research, his writing and many other contributions along the way, he's also spent the last 25 years battling cancer, tumors and other health challenges. And one other point is that even though he's written many books, he was also a reluctant author and Tom, that's where I would love to start. Can we go way back in your life for just a second? Your life and your career for a moment and can you share how the author part of your life came to be? Because as I recall, at first, you never really considered yourself to be much of a writer.

Tom Rath 01:51

You know, I still don’t, just for the record. It was fascinating. I grew up as kind of analytical, still I'm a numbers guy - I'm far more comfortable with a really good spreadsheet or a data set instead of in front of an audience or sharing my writing with people. But I've learned to do the latter out of necessity, for both out of necessity, I guess, and that really got the writing piece got started when, as you mentioned, I'd been battling cancer, I lost an eye to cancer when I was 16 and been battling cancer, my kidneys and pancreas and spine ever since then. And so when I was about 25, I'd been working with my grandfather, Don Clifton, on the real early versions and iterations of Strengths Finder, I was the project manager and we're trying to pull together all the science and ideas that Don had for many decades into one web based assessment and we were a few years into that project and we found out that Don had stage four gastroesophageal cancer. I was the one in the family, I was kind of the resident expert in cancer by that time. And so I decided to dedicate most of my time to traveling around the country with Don to various medical centers, trying to figure out how can we help him to live a little bit longer and keep him alive as long as possible. And as a part of that process, I remember at some point that when I was a kid growing up, Don always said he thought it was a tragedy that we waited to eulogize people until after they were gone. So, I was determined to make sure that didn't happen with Don and I wanted him to know everything that he contributed to my life. And so I stayed up for several nights in a row and wrote a 15 or 20 page handwritten letter to Don about the big influence that he'd had on my life when I needed it most and I gave that letter to Don on a hot summer day when we were in Houston at a medical center there. And one thing I've learned from that was it was a deeply moving experience. I highly recommend everybody do that for someone who's had a big impact on their life. But then what surprised me most from that was two days later, Don pulled out that letter and said, "You know, I've been reading and rereading this. And I think you have a real talent for bringing things to life with words." And he said, "Do you think we could write a book about your story?" And this kind of different bucket topic that he'd been talking about for years. "Do you think we could do that in the next two months?" Is what he said to me. And I was taken aback by a challenge, because I would never have shared a word for public consumption if Don hadn't given me that very specific challenge and said that he identified and saw something there. And to make a really long story short, we ended up finishing a draft of that book just before dawn passed away about a year later. And that book went on to be called “How Full Is Your Bucket” which originally took off in the business world and now it's used in, I guess most of the schools across the country is a core part of their behavioral strategy with kids and it's turned into a children's book that I worked on with Don's daughter, my Aunt Mary, and her very meaningful project. But there's no way I would have gotten into the writing at all if Don hadn't said he spotted something really specific there. And I think as you alluded to before I'd had an AP English teacher telling me to stick with math and numbers instead of writing. I'd been through StrengthsFinder, 15 times at that point, and every other psychological test you can imagine growing up in a family of psychologists, and no one had ever told me that I had a talent to write until that point. So big learning for me from that experience is that, you know, one of the most valuable things you can do for another person is to help them spot a talent they may not have uncovered.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:16

I think that's so interesting. And we see that again and again, and again, to the point when we end up getting the opportunity to help people, we actually embed that into the process to be able to, well, we've engineered some ways in order to solicit that type of feedback as well. You're talking about it from one pretext. The most important thing that you can do is be able to share that with other people, which I totally agree with and benefactor of that many times throughout my life and turned me on to things I would not have otherwise have done. However, I think that there are ways to solicit that feedback too and that leads me to my next question. Have you ever thought about it or experienced it from the other side, too? Well, I guess suppose you know, the Strengths Finder Assessment is actually one way to do that. Now that I think about it.

Tom Rath 06:03

Yeah. And, you know, I think it's a big leadership challenge for anyone who wants to lead in the future, is how can you view it as a big part of your job to, kind of, hold a mirror up, be observant, help people identify unique areas where they're making an important contribution, they may not have noticed, and in addition to just kind of spotting some of the raw talents and examples of excellence, to help that person connect their daily efforts, with the meaningful and positive influence it's having on other people. I think that may be one of the biggest and most valuable leadership exercises in the next 25 years.

Scott Anthony Barlow 06:42

Well, when you think back to, I mean, probably everybody's had this conversation, when you think back to people that have made an impact in your life, you know, whether it be teachers or family members or whatever, I have noticed the pattern over the years that a lot of the times it's been those people that have believed, that's what people will say in conversation, like this person believed in me. However, in the functionality of it, it often is that sharing of that type of feedback that you're describing.

Tom Rath 07:14

It's a great point. That’s a unique insight there because I agree with you that the outcome is that a person testifies that a mentor believed in me, but in reality, what was probably occurring pragmatically in the moment was that person was identifying a few real specific things, and helping you to see that. So I think to break it down to that level is important.

Scott Anthony Barlow 07:37

Well, I don't know that I thought about it in that way until this moment, this conversation. So I'm glad that we're talking about it. Before we actually hit the record button here, I was telling you a little bit about, you'd ask me how on earth did I get into this, you know, what we do now with our company and getting to impact people in this way? And I started sharing with you a little bit of the story where I had, you know, been in a role that was really unhealthy for me and certainly was not a great fit for a variety of different reasons, including strengths. But along the lines that you mentioned, most of us don't share what it is that we appreciate about somebody until they're gone often in the eulogy. I've got to say that I got turned on to your work, maybe I think it was approaching 15 years ago or so. And even before I knew, you know, all about you, I came into contact with this idea that strengths are a different way to look at it, a different lens to look at it through. And actually, that is what made it possible for me to begin to view work differently. So the reason I'm bringing that up is I want to say thank you, it's made a tremendous impact on my life. Actually, I can't think, now that I'm talking out loud about it, I can't think of any other guests that we've had on the podcast where they've impacted my life and my views for as many years. So thank you very, very much. I appreciate that.

Tom Rath 08:57

Thank you. I appreciate your saying that and it's meaningful. And I, you know, it's one of the things that I've been thinking about a lot lately is, I mean, really, what I've been trying to kind of continue to help a lot of those efforts that my grandfather and others started to continue to grow even more now that he's gone and continue to help more people. And I think maybe 20 plus million people have now been through the online tool that we put together back then, which is wonderful to see. But that's one of the things I've realized I worked on this most recent book, “Life’s Great Question” about what are the things that you and I and any of us can work on yet today that at least get a chance to continue to have a positive influence with someone a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, whether we're there laboring on that task or not, or whether we're even here a decade from now, or generation from now. Because the more time we have the opportunity to allocate to efforts like that, that can grow in our absence in a given day. I think it also makes days easier and smoother and less stressful, because it takes some of the pressure off of days where you're just responding, everything flying at you, and maybe looking inward a little too much.

Scott Anthony Barlow 10:06

So here's what I'm curious about that, particularly as it relates to contribution. Actually, semi-recently, I had a conversation with Dan Pink. We were talking about it from a different standpoint, we're talking about passion being an overused and misleading word. And he was saying that he felt contribution was a much better way to measure what you're getting out of your work in a variety of different ways. But you have shifted some of your views, I'm going to call it for lack of a better word, over the years to focus more on this contribution element. And I'm curious, what are some of the events along the way that have caused you to really shift and place a lot more focus on, you know, how a person can contribute to the world?

Tom Rath 10:48

Yeah, you know, and some of it comes back to what you said, Dan was touching on who I've had good conversations with on that topic as well. And it's when you're giving someone guidance at a college, for example, to just follow their passions. I think the problem there is it assumes that that person is kind of the center of the world and all the needs of the world need to circle and alignment around that person when one the world usually doesn't work that way, unfortunately. And two, the problem is it's almost like we're ignoring the entire demand side of an equation and an economic model, right? Where I think it's important to focus on personality and it's important to focus on passion. And it's important to focus on things that you're interested in. But unless there's demand for that supply that is you, it's really not that helpful to the rest of the world and the big job market of what people need out there. So most of my work in the last few years has kind of been focused on, I think, what I like a lot of your work on, how do you begin to pull together the center between who you are and what the world out there needs. And so, on this project, I probably overcompensated and just focusing on what the world needs, because I think a lot of us have done a lot of work already on how do you look inward and have more self awareness and look at who you are personally, what your passions are. So now it's about mapping the other side of that equation. And then essentially bringing arbitrage a lot closer between the supply and demand of people and what the needs are out there and the rest of the world.

Scott Anthony Barlow 12:18

You're absolutely right that I feel very strongly, that's a lot of the work that my team and I get to do every single day is help find, I don't know if you want to call it the intersection between a lot of those areas. But I'm curious when you think about that as a whole, what are some of the myths that surround it currently, particularly as it relates to contribution?

Tom Rath 12:37

Another myth that I stumbled on when I was being interviewed a couple months ago is, someone asked me about my purpose in life. And when I found it, and I hadn't given it much thought I just laughed when I heard the question, because I don't think I've found any purpose. And I'm not looking for one either. Energy, I mean, it just kind of hit me because there's so much talk about that I almost titled this book, something about pursuing purpose, I think. And then the more I got into the meaning of what were what I was really trying to say, I realized that, as I'm sure you've learned from all your work on careers. A career is kind of a spiky pattern and trajectory over years and over decades, and I've yet to meet a single person who fell out of college into the perfect job that they stayed with forever and just enjoyed as much as they could. It's usually, you might start off in a tough place. Make a little bit of progress after a year, you kind of backtrack for 18 months and things spike up again, when you get involved in something new at work, and it's this very erratic, bumpy pattern over time. But one thing that matters is that you're making some forward progress. And you have a good trajectory over the span of years, and especially over the span of decades. And for the most part I found that to be pretty true is people learn more about themselves, they learn more about how they can serve their community, they learn more about how they can find a job that also serves their life, like we were talking about a little bit earlier. At the very highest level, I think all of us need to rethink there were fundamental relationship we have with our effort and our work in life because organizations to be really frank, organizations have got it down to a science in terms of determining how much discretionary effort they're extracting out of us on a regular basis. But we as individuals have not done anywhere near enough work to ensure that our lives and our families and our communities are better off because of the work that we're doing, I think the more we begin to connect those dots, not only is it good for the trajectory of our careers over time, but it helps us to do more meaningful work on a daily basis as well.

Scott Anthony Barlow 14:39

Part of what I believe I'm hearing you say in there that's behind what you said, for lack of a better phrase is, the more that you're taking control, or the more that you're taking agency in that process of determining what that is probably the more that you're going to be able to contribute to any given organization or determine what really is the right fit for you. Am I getting that right first of all?

Tom Rath 15:02

Yes. And it's an important point because I, honestly, you mentioned earlier, you know, a good day for me is when I prove myself wrong and challenge one of my existing assumptions. And 10 years ago, I was really convinced that after the big wave of employee engagement work that I've been a part of and seen companies get really good at showing how they can emotionally engage workers more during the day, I thought, well, hey, this big movement around, we can measure well being, we can quantify someone's overall well being. So now companies should care about that. And companies should begin to prove to workers that they're better parents, and they know how to manage your finances better. And they're better physical health, because they're a part of this organization instead of another one, and so forth. And to be honest, I've spent the last five or 10 years just running into wall after wall after wall on that topic. And I think eventually, a few organizations will get there. Where they're, they care about and they're proving that they're demonstrably improving a person's well being because they work for that company. But I don't think 99% of us as individuals, I don't think we can wait until companies finally get to that point. I think we probably need to take ownership ourselves to make sure that those conditions are present because companies just are not structured to be adapt, and good at that yet today.

Scott Anthony Barlow 16:15

That so interesting that you say that and from that perspective and I'm very interested in some of the walls that you've run up against to, as we have looked at the impact, and I say we, my team and I, the impact that we want to make on the world, you know, we made some choices early on about are we impact it from a one on one level and, you know, consumer standpoint, or are we impacting it from an organizational standpoint? And I think the real answer is that we have to do some of both. However, part of our philosophy for choosing to go heavy on impacting one person at a time is that we believe if we can create enough movement in what people are expecting out of their organizations and taking control of their own career and what they want, then that will be able to set some level of new standard for guiding leadership in the organization too, and that will impact it in a different way, partially from the bottom up, if you want to look at it that way. But my question becomes, though for you is, how do you see that people can play more of an ownership role in that? What are the areas where you would encourage them based on your experiences based on your research?

Tom Rath 17:29

Yeah. And you know, it's also a part of the answer to the organizational question is, what I have learned works is when one leader individually can view themselves as being a role model for valuing the well being of employees throughout an organization. And that's the one thing that leaders I spent time with are comfortable with, and some of the best ones are learning to do. So I think if for a leader to understand that if they're talking about their need for kind of making the right physical health decisions, being more active throughout the day, value in sleep, talking to people about their schedule so they can get more sleep, talking to people about how they want them to be involved in their communities and talking about the importance of close relationships and being good parents when they get home and like if organizational leaders can demonstrate those values or each of us as individuals can, I think we can be very powerful role models. And over the span of years, that changes the cultural expectation where each employee of an organization knows that it's not only okay, it's valued that you should take care of your own well being unexpected. Not only is your life better off because you decided to join this team and this organization, but you really feel like your communities are better off your customers, your clients, the people you serve, their lives are better off because you chose to be a part of that organization. And you know, some of this gets back to the real practical kind of brass tacks of let's say you're in food service, for example, and you're preparing food in a kitchen. If you're stuck in the back of that kitchen and there are no windows and you can't see people out there in the booths eating the food and enjoying it. You make poor quality food, you feel less satisfaction about your job and you make less nutritious food when scientists study this and that holds true everywhere from cooks, to radiologists, to software developers to people in manufacturing environments, we need to find ways to see the positive impact of our work on a day to day basis, in order for it to give us that energy and well being so that, I really do believe that in the future, we should expect that we can go home after a day of work with as much or more energy than when we showed up in the morning and that's a good bar and litmus test for people to think about.

Scott Anthony Barlow 19:42

I love that. Love that. Obviously, I'm a little biased, as you might imagine, however, I think that is a great way to think about it. And on a slightly different note, one of the things that you've done a lot of work over the years and is in the areas of energy and health and particularly as it relates to well being and when you're talking about this idea of you know, being able to go to work and then come home with as much or more energy as you had, you know, at the beginning of the day, I'm curious, what are some of the most impactful things that you have found? If you were to take what you've learned over the last, you know, X number of years and say, you know, here's some of the things that people don't realize or don't know, what would those be?

Tom Rath 20:29

Working on the book “Wellbeing” that I co-authored with my friend and colleague at Gallup Jim Harter, we learned a lot about, what the key determinants of well being and it sinks pretty well with what I've learned personally as well. I mean, a lot of it starts at just a basic physical level, where, if no matter how bad your day is today, if you get one good night of sleep, it essentially functions like the reset button on a smartphone or video game where you get to wake up the next day, you're more likely to be active throughout the day, you're more likely to eat a lot of the right foods. I realized that if I eat some of the right things early in the day, I have more energy in meetings or presentations later in the day. I have a lot more energy to keep up with my 9 year old, my 11 year old when I’m done with the work at the end of the day. And it also gets into I think, to have a really good day you need to have pretty frequent social interactions and regular contact with people. That's one of the biggest drivers of well being. The other big key in the workplace is just the minimization of unnecessary and chronic stress is one of the biggest factors and all of the research that I've conducted and looked at. So if you can help people to avoid those recurring constant moments of unnecessary stress throughout the day, and then as we talked about a little bit already, to be able to connect a little bit of your work with the influence it has on another person or on community or customers that you serve, that’s another big bar in the equation.

Scott Anthony Barlow 21:50

That totally makes sense. But it also makes me think of a lot of those things we know already and I'm a total nerd for behavioral change and those type of topics. However, what do you see are the some of the biggest reasons why, even though we might know some of those things, that we just don't do them or we don't choose to do them or maybe we don't realize just how big of an impact that they can have in our lives?

Tom Rath 22:16

You know, I think there are a couple things. One, is that, I've grown up in, and seen a very admirable kind of hard working culture and mindset when it comes to work where I mean, when I was young, nobody I knew would admit to needing a whole eight hours of sleep or talk about it, I need more sleep. And it wasn't socially valued. And even to this day, every single day, I encountered leaders who I admire a lot, well meaning people, and they say, “Well, of course, I want all my employees to have good health and well being” but they say, “I don't need to.” So they're still up on email, midnight, shooting off emails to people and bugging people on the weekends and saying, oh, it's just me. I don't expect that. Well, if you're in a leadership role, you're setting the tone and that is expected of everyone whether you say it or not. So I think some of those cultural elements, you see where they come from, and they probably come from good intentions and good work ethic, we need to begin to turn that around back a little bit. I think one of the other challenges is, we just have so much stuff flying at us from text messages and dings and emails and phone calls that we don't take enough time to sit back and say, “here's what's important that I need to make sure I have the energy to be my best every day.” And so we need to begin to prioritize things like building some activity in your day, whether it's getting up to go for a walk or walking to the second closest Starbucks or just taking the time to go eat and digest a healthy meal in the middle of the day. So you can continue to get more done in less time throughout the afternoon. And a part of that I think, starts with building some of the right defaults into an environment. So if you know that there are only healthy snacks within arm's reach, and you structure your environment in your workspace for that to occur, and I mean, I know in my house if the sum of the unhealthy things like the chips or the peanut butter, pretzels make it into my cabinet, from the grocery store, they're going to get eaten...

Scott Anthony Barlow 24:09

They will be...

Tom Rath 24:10

Ours. And so to kind of structure your environment to avoid some of that temptation to make you need to go out and take a walk to, when I travel, for example, I know that I need to allocate about 10 hours to get eight good hours of sleep. And that means taking an earlier flight, going to bed two hours earlier, and working back from what I know I need to be sharp at eight o'clock in the morning when I'm on the road. And so I think to structure our days so that we can be our best is... that's one way to start to manage around it.

Scott Anthony Barlow 24:41

I have taken a ton of steps personally to remove myself from all the stuff that flies at you, like you mentioned a minute ago, you know, ranging from I have an amazing executive assistant that helps with a lot of that. I've set up a lot of systems in place, but even back I don't know, you know, 20 plus years ago or so, like keeping as gross as it sounds to a lot of people like I'd keep a can of tuna fish and a can of black beans in my desk so that I would never not have food available. But what I'm curious about is, what are some of the steps that you've taken personally, to filter yourself from all the stuff or remove a bunch of the stuff or be able to handle it differently, and then to build some of those pieces in or out of your environment.

Tom Rath 25:29

I've taken a lot of steps in the last few years to try and get myself more opportunities to focus time during the day on projects that can continue to grow when I'm not working on them. And a part of that gets back to a question that Dr. King post many years ago, it kind of anchored this most recent book where he said, “Life's most persistent and urgent question is, what are you doing for others?” And, you know, that may sound like a big broad existential question. I've actually used that exact question, try to ask myself that every single day before I start my work to say “am I anchoring at least an hour, ideally more in a given day towards efforts that really make a substantive contribution for other people and can grow in my absence.” And I've found that when you do that, it makes it easier to both literally focus time on those efforts. But it also makes it easier to be objective about tuning out some of the things that matter less. So I just this week had a conversation with a team that I'm working with. And we were all kind of getting to know one another and going through the talking about the contribify exercise. It's a part of the book. So we kind of understand why we do what we do. And I said, “you know, I'll be really honest, and I had to frame this up a bit. So it didn't sound too callous, I guess.” But I said every extra email that I don't get as a gift from above, I mean, even if it's I know a lot of times it's pleasantries, and we've been burst and thank you and thank you in person for thanking you and doing all this. But the more I can minimize what I need to go through every few hours when I check back into my inbox, that really does save a lot of time and a lot of cognitive effort. And I've learned that when I have some of those conversations early on with people, then we view it as appreciation of one another's time.

Scott Anthony Barlow 27:12

I love that idea. It was probably about four years ago where I really got turned on to that idea to the point where when I work with my team now, and when we bring somebody on board to our team, we talk about, like, we don't necessarily need to say thank you to every thing that goes through our Slack channel, or we can do everybody else on the team a favor by putting in our end where it says no reply needed or, you know, little things that add up drastically over time. But what I've noticed in an average environment, that type of shift feels insurmountable sometimes. So I'm curious what you have found that people can just start doing to minimize those types of things that don't need to be there so that we can focus on contribution?

Tom Rath 27:56

There are some roles where you need to be just immediately responsive for emergency purposes and the like. And if you're in a role like that, I think to kind of bracket the time where you need to be in that mode, so that you at least hold out a little bit of time in a day where you can have more clear and productive thoughts. It's not being constantly interrupted is really important. But I do think one of the questions that Bill George, who's who I really admire and respect over the years asked me when we were talking a few years ago was about, you know, “how do you prioritize between what's really urgent versus what's truly important?” And there are a lot of things that fly at me in a given day that on the surface seem to be urgent. But when I take a breath and step back and say, “is it really important?” it changes my response. So instead of getting back to something that just claims to be pressing, but really isn’t, I've found that if I wait until tomorrow morning, and batch process and respond then, not only is that more efficacious for me getting things done in a day, it also sets a better expectation with the other person who maybe have never had a conversation with before about whether they can continue to email me. And I'm just going to be on 24/7 to respond to them instantly. And so I like where you were going with that, where it's really about learning to have more respect for your own time and showing respect for the time of the people you're interacting with and working with on a regular basis. So they know that you're working to value their time, just as much.

Scott Anthony Barlow 29:32

One of the crazy things that on that note that you're mentioning, it seems like a lot of that is prioritization. And I feel like if we would really oversimplify what we get to do here, at Happen To Your Career, a lot of it is teaching people how to better prioritize and behave around, you know, what is actually most important, and I feel like that's a lot of what you're describing in one way or another, but also, I think about this idea that you're talking about, and, you know, how can I contribute and how can I make that important, and I still find that it can be really, really difficult. And I don't know if I necessarily have a question about that, except to say that or except to ask that so far, we've talked about, you know, those things that stop contribution. Yeah, our conversation up till now has been a lot about, hey, what is getting in the way of contribution. But when we focus on the profile itself, can you share a little bit about that so people can understand, you know, how they might use that tool or any tool or just an understanding how they can contribute better.

Tom Rath 30:39

One of the reason one of the things I've learned is I try to help people get more focused on contribution and some of the meaning that's connected to their work is that the current apparatus and language we have for describing why we do what we do and kind of summarize in our careers, it's resumes and job descriptions, for the most part. I couldn't imagine a more cold and sterile and lifeless way to sum up a person if I worked on it, than a resume. I think we've got to find ways to bring the humanity of what we do and why we do it back into the discussion. So the way that we're trying to help readers when people who buy the “Life Great Question” book or the e-book, get a code to go to this contribify, our website and assemble, they go through an inventory and ask a bunch of questions. And then they get to build this profile. That's, I hope, a far more human version of a resume about kind of a positive baseball card synopsis of a person. But what it asks you about is it starts with what are the big roles you play in life. So for me, that's being a dad and a husband and a researcher and a writer. And then it asks about the miles or most influential life experiences that you've had over your lifetime. And some of those are positive. Some of those, like I mentioned, my own example, were negative, or they were more challenging or traumatic events, but they really shaped who I am and why I do what I do. And then it asks about what your natural talents, your strengths are in your own words, and it takes people through a series of about 50 questions where they prioritize how they want to contribute to a given team they're thinking about and they can go back and take out as many times as they want as they join new teams and are thinking differently about how they want to contribute. But the product is a nice one page scorecard and then a lengthier report with ideas about how you can optimally contribute to a team. My one hope is just that people will use that and share the second code in the book with a friend or a team member or colleague so that they can have a conversation as a team, when ideally when you're forming a new team, to say, “here's who I am, here’s what's important to me, here's how I want to be known in life, here have been my most influential life experiences and here's how I think I can uniquely contribute to this team into this effort.” And I think if people have that discussion upfront, it should enable a bit of a negotiation process there so that you don't have a bunch of like minded people who are all trying to do the same thing. And so it should help teams to move a little smoother in parallel, and it should help individuals to continue making that connection between who they are and how that effort makes a contribution to customers, clients into the world.

Scott Anthony Barlow 33:16

I took the time to go through it and when it first popped up the instructions after I created an account everything it said something to the effect of it'll be a series of open-ended and closed-ended questions and like, “Ah, how on earth are you going to integrate the open-ended questions into the profile?” And did not disappoint. So that one page scorecard, as you're calling it, actually was really interesting to see and really helpful to see too because as you said, it's got those defining roles on one side and you know, some of your strengths on the bottom left and then those contributions that you're talking about as well, which for me are achieving, initiating and adapting. But one of the challenges we have had in working with people over the years is helping them put words to what creates more meaning for them, or how they can contribute, or what makes them feel more purposeful in one way or another because it's, quite frankly, slightly different for everybody. And everybody has kind of their own unique definition and in some way without getting into the weeds on it. So I thought you did a really, really nice job in doing that. I'm also curious, miles did you start with the word miles? Or how did that come about?

Tom Rath 34:43

I think I was drawing on a whiteboard and was trying to think about, what are these? One area we have not done enough work on is, what are the real influential and searing life experiences people go through? I actually think we need to kind of push people through intense experiences to sort out what they might be good at. They haven't even tried before. So I was trying to think through, how do you bring some of these stories to the surface that are a little more narrative than kind of the roles you play in life? So that's where that came from. But what I've been learning is you have five people on a team, for example, and you all go through and do that and bring that baseball card to the table and just talking through that could be a really good kind of relationship expectation setting experience, I hope. And it's a good way to get to know people quickly in a more human way than looking at LinkedIn profile or whatever.

Scott Anthony Barlow 35:30

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, nicely done. I've enjoyed it immensely. And where can people get the... and the assessment?

Tom Rath 35:39

They can get the book anywhere books are sold, and each book includes a code. The first edition hardcover has two codes, so you can go through it with someone else and do it as many times as you'd like. And you can find more on that at contribify.com/ and more about any of my books at tomrath.org

Scott Anthony Barlow 35:56

Tom, just one last question, you know, for people that are in the place where they do want to a different level of meaning they do want a different level of contribution as many of our listeners are, what advice would you give them with where to start?

Tom Rath 36:11

I would suggest that they've probably done enough looking inward already. And that life in the end is really more about what you put into it now what you get out of it. And so if they can start to examine the world around them, the people they care about, the community that surrounds them, and find some of the most pressing needs of the people that they hope to serve, that they can start there and then work back to how they could meet some of those needs. It might enable more rapid growth.

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Leveraging What Makes You Unique: The Key to Your Career Change

on this episode

We’ve all been there – you’re looking to transition into a new career, you have all the right credentials on paper, and you’re ready to step into that interview room. You believe you’re the perfect fit for the company but how do you make them believe that too? 

For energy engineer Mike Bigelow, having conversations with people in the field was the key. He filled his time making connections and building relationships with them, which gave him an edge with his industry knowledge. He followed up when needed and offered valuable solutions without expecting a job offer in return, and it worked in his favor. His patience coupled with his methods got him various opportunities he otherwise wouldn’t have had he not initiated the conversation.

Not only that, but he also learned that in order to convince your interviewer that you can be a valuable part of the company, you must start with yourself. Take a step back and analyze what your strengths are. Highlight what sets you apart and identify even the most minor of factors that can stall your progress. Most importantly, don’t be scared to ask around and reach out to people when you need help. It will never be seen as a sign of weakness.

Tune into this week’s episode as Scott and Mike discuss the value of informational interviews and for more advice on making a successful career change. 

What you’ll learn

  • How a self-starter drive can make you indispensable to any organization.
  • Why taking things into your own hands with little expectation of reciprocity can generate favorable results.
  • The difference between local and remote career change (and how to build relationships when you’re not in the same city)
  • How to market yourself as the best candidate (even if there are no listed positions!)
  • Why career transitions are actually silver linings.

Mike Bigelow 00:00

When I moved to San Diego in the latter part of 2008, and this was a period where there were very few jobs in engineering, a lot of the folks I talk to using a sort of like normal channels, we're often saying, "hey, we'd love to have somebody like you on the team. Unfortunately, we just let three or four people just like you go, because there's not enough work to go around anymore."

Introduction 00:29

This is the Happen To Your Career podcast, with Scott Anthony Barlow. We help you stop doing work that doesn't fit you, figure out what it does and make it happen. We help you define the work that's unapologetically you, and then go get it. If you're ready to make a change, keep listening. Here's Scott. Here's Scott. Here's Scott.

Scott Anthony Barlow 00:53

Hey, this is Scott Anthony Barlow, and you are listening to Happen To Your Career. This is the show that helps you figure out what work fits you by exploring other stories. Now we get to bring on experts like Dr. Phil Carson, who teaches people to live a more balanced and healthier and have vibrant lives by managing stress, or people that have pretty amazing stories, like Lynn Marie Morskie, who helps people quit the things that aren't serving them to create a life that they love. And these are people, they're just like you. They've gone from where they are, to what they want to be doing. And they are people that are just like our next guest.

Mike Bigelow 01:27

My name is Mike Bigelow, and I'm an engineer who was living in Portland, Oregon, and was moving up to Seattle, Washington to support my wife's career change, and kind of move back home, my folks are still up here as well. As we're speaking now, I am sitting in my new apartment, having unpacked most of it in a gap week between when I left my old job, and when I'm starting my new job. So yeah, right here and now. It's pretty cool.

Scott Anthony Barlow 01:53

Having unpacked most of it, that in itself is a success.

Mike Bigelow 01:57

No kidding man. No kidding.

Scott Anthony Barlow 02:00

We got the pleasure of helping Mike make his career change. And in this episode, you're going to hear exactly what the differences are between local versus remote job searching, because we get so many questions about that. And Mike did a really fantastic job with this, not just in his most recent change, but over the life of his career. And also how to maximize your time in both situations, which is incredibly valuable. And then how career coaching can take you from being a good job candidate to a great candidate by offering the path that you want to grow along. And Mike did something really particularly well in identifying what his big value adds were from his past job experiences. And then he gives some really great examples in how you can apply them to nearly any industry. So take a listen for that a little bit later in the episode. And we also talk, we get pretty deep into how creating a conversational environment during informational interviews and what we call the test drive method, opens so many more doors than walking into the conversation, expecting a job offer or traditional job search methods. So first of all, let's go way back and talk about what led up to this change in the first place. Long before we met each other, and long before you went into this. You know, what did your career path really start ? Take me through some of that first.

Mike Bigelow 03:24

So one of the things that, I guess is maybe part of the origin story, if you will, I've been fortunate enough to work in several different areas over my career so far. And one of the odd things that has come out from that, one of the unique things I think, is the position I'm often in finding work in another city. So like, I'm always conducting remote job searches. And this presents a lot of different things in terms of challenges, and how you approach these sorts of things. When I first started my career, you know, right out of college, it was just, you know, email alarms and checking with them and have some conversations and it was good, but it was amateur, maybe a couple of times they got picked up by a headhunter or something like that, and that was refined. But what really brought me around to the idea that a systematic approach to making a career change, and the value of coaching was actually when I moved to San Diego in the latter part of 2008[04:23][a]. And this was a period where there were very few jobs in engineering. A lot of the folks I talked to using sort of my normal channels, were often saying, "hey, we'd love to have somebody like you on the team. Unfortunately, we just let three or four people just like you go, because there's not enough work to go around anymore." So I realized early on in that career transition, that if I was going to be able to find a job, was rewarding in an area that I wanted to, and eventually just to be able to pay rent, like, I would need help, because I wasn't getting the results I needed. So I hired a coach back then. And it was one of the best I've ever made, because I was pushed to become the best version of myself and to present myself in ways that I hadn't thought about before. And at the end of that, it was a four month career campaign. And it really was a campaign like there was day in and day out activities, you know, constantly trying to meet new people, find ways to add value. At the end of that, though, I felt like, I'd been through the crucible, as it were. And I could pretty much figure this out no matter what came my way. And that proved pretty true for the next couple of transitions due to different moves and things like that.

Scott Anthony Barlow 05:36

Let me ask really, really quick, I'm super curious. When you went to San Diego, what took you there in the first place? And what were you doing just before that? Just to fill in some of the gaps for people.

Mike Bigelow 05:47

Great question. So I was moving to San Diego to support my wife, we were dating at the time, but she had a once in a lifetime opportunity for her educational career to get into astronomy. And this is a very competitive scientific field. And it's something she's been very passionate about. And it just lights her up like nothing else in the world. So I had the great fortune to have enough savings and the position and a little bit of experience in the job market to be able to join her in that move. I had been an engineer for about two years[06:19][b] before and I was actually worked as a summer camp counselor, taking a bit of a break from that, when the recession really got into full swing. And that move down to San Diego was one of those ones where I just had some money in the bank and didn't know anybody. And I kind of had to start from ground zero in this time when folks like me were in great supply and low demand. And I ended up finding a position with a wonderful organization called the Center for Sustainable Energy. And they were administering rebates for new solar photovoltaic and solar water heating technologies, in my background in engineering sort of led myself to that. And I accepted that position, and started at the beginning of 2009. And that was one of the best things that happened to my career, honestly, was the coaching that allowed me to present myself in such a way to be appealing to these recruiters and our HR folks that were screening all the different applicants, as well as the support that my coach gave me in the first, really six months[07:21][c] on the job, and made myself one of those folks that eventually became indispensable to the group I was working on. While I was there, I got promoted twice. And that was all because I set myself up for success at the very beginning. And obviously took a lot of work. And there was a lot of soul searching that went into that whole process. But at the end of it, looking back, I said, you know, it was really good that I ended up hiring Steve, who was my job coach at the time, and that I was fortunate enough to run into these folks at the Center for Sustainable Energy. They continue to do great work. And I still love running into those people from time to time, because there's just so many cool things that they're doing. And being able to be a part of that really helped launch the green engineering aspects of my career that have borne fruit time and again.

Scott Anthony Barlow 08:09

So I'm curious what happened next to them. And first of all, that's super cool, because I know that more about your progression, a little bit about your story, those green engineering aspects that you mentioned, too. I know those are going to come up again, too. So what happened from there? What prompted you to change again, because I know there was another change.

Mike Bigelow 08:30

Yeah, a lot of that change came from the advancement of my wife's career to get a PhD and so on and so forth. We ended up moving back to the Pacific Northwest, we wanted to either end up in Seattle or Portland. And so we moved to Portland for my position actually, which was wonderfully flexible in my wife's part. She did a great job negotiating her position with where she ended up now. And, you know, we had two years[08:55] [d]in Portland, but we knew that we would eventually have to move to Seattle for her position. And that's kind of what prompted me to start thinking about, okay, well, I know how to do this from a mechanic's perspective. I know how to get introduced to people. I know how to talk to folks. I've done this whole job search thing a few times. What's really going to make this different for me though, is I feel that this is an opportunity not just to change location, but also an opportunity to change position. This could be not just a lateral move from one city to another, but it could have the opportunity to be a promotion as well. I really do feel like I was moving my career and my experience to where I would be able to transition from leading projects, to potentially leading teams of technical people. And that is sort of been where I wanted to be for a long time. Because it's been one of the most rewarding things I've ever gotten to do back in college, I had a small team of folks I got to work with. And they said, "Sure, Mike, you can be team leader for this year long project" we were working on fuel cells. And I absolutely love that. And I knew that's where I wanted my career to take the path to grow along. And I knew that, you know, to get to a position of leadership, you kind of had to know all the things leading up to that. So that's kind of where I was when I was thinking about, okay, when I make this transition to Seattle, is this a possibility at this point? I think it is. How am I going to make that happen? So that was one of the reasons why I said, well, coaching did a lot for me back in 2008[10:23][e], I think it might be time to try coaching, again, to go from good to great, and to take some of those experiences that I've had, and really draw out the best and brightest parts of them. So that if there are opportunities to step into a more leadership based role, that I will not only present myself well enough for those, but I'll also be able to identify really where the big value ads are in those types of roles. And that can be something that I could do on my own. I know that those tasks are generally easier with an expert who is got a bit of distance between the problems that you're discussing, and sort of your emotional state as you're looking at those things. So that's...

Scott Anthony Barlow 11:07

Yeah, it's hard to see your own blind spots.

Mike Bigelow 11:09

Exactly. And so that's what I felt would be a real asset to bring your coach along for this particular portion of my career transition.

Scott Anthony Barlow 11:18

Well, here's what I'm really curious about. And I think you did an absolutely fantastic job. I said that earlier on, as we're getting started here. But first of all curious about your first couple of transitions. And even if we go back before that I heard you say, you know, the remote job search and really kind of mastering the remote job search. What do you believe having been through that a few times, what do you believe are the major differences between the remote job searcher versus the local job search? What makes that more difficult in your mind?

Mike Bigelow 11:47

Well, the local job search has the advantage of being able to meet someone face to face for a coffee or for something like that, without a lot of disruption to your schedule. When you're using a lot of the techniques that you talked about Scott and many other career experts talk about, it sort of the fundamentals of being able to do a good informational interview or talk to somebody about how they got to where they are, because you want to maybe think about how you can consider to follow a similar path or add a similar amount of value to your own organization, being able to be in the same place is huge. So when you don't necessarily have that at a moment's notice, and you have to schedule those face to face interactions around some sort of travel or vacation, that gets a bit more challenging. The other part of it is that I really pushed myself to understand that a lot of the folks I'd be talking to, were making an extra effort to talk to me, because again, I wasn't going to be around, you know, for face to face conversation. You know, they were taking time out of their day to talk to me on the phone, or by Skype or what have you. And so I wanted to make sure that those 15 minutes or half an hour that we had together, were worth it for them. So it drove me to really over prepare my questions, how I thought about making time for their responses that even the way I took notes on this kind of thing, like it was just, I had a whole process I go through every time. And that I think really paid off because I felt that there was a great number of conversations I had, they just were absolutely fantastic. I learned a lot about the green industry, not just from a sort of Seattle centric perspective, but also from a larger sort of meta perspective. So those were absolutely wonderful insights to share with other professionals. And in the end, I really felt that it wasn't just about an exchange, right. I wasn't just a job seeker, who was hoping to make a transition. I felt like I could give something to them that was valuable, that was just, you know, I didn't want to feel as mercenary about it, honestly. I wanted this transition to Seattle to be a better exchange. I wanted folks to feel like that I took them seriously, I followed up on their advice, I had my own insights to share with them or ways that I could provide value to their organizations, even if we didn't end up working together and more often than not, I felt like I was able to provide that either through saying, "Hey, this is what I found out about this particular sort of meta trend that's going on" or, you know, "I feel that these tools are probably going to fit your requirements better than some of these other tools, I'd be happy to give a presentation about that." And sometimes it was just "Oh, hey, yeah, you're gonna be my neck of the woods, I'll buy a beer or whatever." And it was that kind of mentality and a mindset that I felt really allowed me to make the most of that distance, and to actually turn that obstacle into an asset where the amount of effort coming into it would allow folks to feel like that was worth their time. And it was certainly something that I wanted, it challenged me to bring out something beyond my current best, it stretched me.

Scott Anthony Barlow 15:04

So that is both awesome and interesting at the same time. Awesome, because I know what that takes, and that's not easy, necessarily. Interesting, because we get the, how do you do that question so frequently, so often? And then also, what does that look like? Because I think there's really a lot of confusion about this whole value thing. What the heck is value? And we've joked around with it quite a bit on the podcast. But I mean, really, you start to hear that word all the time. How do I add value? But I think you've already just mentioned a couple of semi tangible ways and what that looks like. But I'm curious if you can give an example. And since it's been semi fresh for you, tell us about one of those times where you were able to go in and you were able to add value in one way or another.

Mike Bigelow 15:54

Well, one of the things that I do, as part of the package of engineering in my sector of that is energy simulations for buildings. So you take a computer program, you worked on a virtual building inside of it, you put virtual people in it, they run all the virtual lights and add air conditioning, or they want heat or whatever. And at the end of a virtual year, in computer time, you figure out how much energy that building is likely to use. This is a difficult thing to do well in the building industry, but it's critical that it be done well for green buildings, and for some of the really high performance stuff that is pushing the industry to be more effective, more efficient, more cost conscious. There are firms that do mechanical engineering very, very well. And they come up with amazing designs that provide comfort. And it's one of those things, you know, how you talk about technology to be beautiful or invisible. This is both beautiful and invisible, like what these folks do, it is absolutely fantastic to see and understand kind of what they go for when they put these things together. So you can do that beautiful, invisible work and provide that end result of just comfort consistently throughout a building without any problems, without a lot of energy being used, without necessarily doing the energy modeling stuff that I specialize in. So there was a firm I got to talk to that was like, oh yeah, we might try to get into that. In the last couple times, we've done that, it's been difficult for one reason or another, you know, what would you do if you were to come in here and help us out? And I said, "well, regardless of what I would do, I would say, here are the tools that are out there, and what we need to do for you as a firm" because an individual solution, like if I come in, and I give you the solution, and I'm the guy that you have to run everything through, that's fine for a while, but hit by a bus and you've got deadlines like, you know, that's not going to work, we need to take a more systematic approach. And so here's how I would do that from a larger perspective, and you can do this without necessarily hiring me in terms of, you know, take this tool with this kind of post processing to get these sorts of results, once you have that under your belt, you might be able to add XYZ types of detailed solutions and things like that. I'm being vague on purpose, because there's a lot of detail that gets into that.

Scott Anthony Barlow 18:22

Saved the four hours of explanation to understand the explanation.

Mike Bigelow 18:26

Yeah, exactly. So in that process, we were able to collaborate on what a modeling system or solution for their firm might look like. And that was a way that I could use my experience to benefit somebody, even though I wasn't necessarily going to be hired by them, and then take care of like, yeah, this is really cool stuff. Yeah, we can potentially bring him in for a presentation. And it made the conversation much more two way, which I felt really awesome about. Other times, I was just able to offer, you know, findings from my research about what have you thought about talking about what we do as mechanical engineers in a different way in terms of saying, well, you can connect this energy thing that we're doing not just to this green building metric, but those two things actually combined for lower operational costs. And if you can prove it with these types of details and patterns back up, you might be able to talk to the project owner about, well, we're moving into a realm where you're going to have a higher profitability, lower cost to operate and product, which means that some of your core stats, and they've got their own jargon to talk about those things will be better in these ways. And so it was the ability to talk to folks about not just the technical work that we do, but also how we, as engineers, talk about it to non engineers, and how we can make sure that folks are giving us either the credit the team deserves in order for the amazing work that they do, or how to take what we're doing, and make sure that more people understand why it's important to their particular slice of the building industry, and those kind of conversations, again, even though I wasn't necessarily in the running for anything, or they weren't hiring at the time, they did a great conversation. And, you know, it's one of those things that we were able to develop sort of professional and mutual respect for each other's particular disciplines within mechanical engineering and those different spaces. And that I think, was the way that my research into not just how to do what we do for, you know, the actual tasks, but also the greater picture that those pieces move in, was able to really help other firms kind of think about, oh, yeah, well, you know, this is pretty cool stuff. And if we can talk about it in these different ways, being able to add those different perspectives and tools to their toolbox was another way I was able to provide value.

Scott Anthony Barlow 20:47

So this is really, really interesting. And I just want to kind of recap what I heard out of that. So I heard you say that you were spending your own time of your own volition going and having conversations probably some of this time on your vacation, I would imagine or when you could be doing other stuff, and you were helping them without expectation necessarily that they're going to hire you.

Mike Bigelow 21:13

Yeah, that's the truest way I can really feel like I'm getting to somebody is to had as little expectation for reciprocity as possible. And honestly for me, personally, that made it a lot easier to kind of get away from the, how am I going to be efficient about this, and all those other sorts of things that can really put you in a different state, that isn't good, long term. It's very me focused rather than we focused or outcome would focused. So I did spend a lot of time preparing those sorts of things. I did spend time or lunch breaks, my weekends, and things like that, figuring out how I could bring value to folks through these different conversations, because I would assume that, you know, either they're having problems similar to what I'm facing in terms of getting non engineers to understand what we do, for instance, or, you know, with energy modeling and how to systematically take an approach that's going to work for them. I mean, they were using way different tools than I was, but at the same time, I'd use those tools, my other work. And so I was able to kind of talk about those kinds of things from a general strategic perspective. And that's what's important is that, you know, you're thinking about how you can serve the other person using the knowledge you have. And sometimes those assumptions were a bit off the mark, but at the same time, you know, being able to say, Well, here's X, Y, and Z, I like X, Y, and Z a little bit, really what I'm concerned about is ABC. Like, you know, we're already talking about the alphabet, so let's just focus on a different part of it or whatever. So there's that and then the other part of the Scott is that because I really wanted to make sure that I felt like I was giving to folks, I did my best to always follow a practice, which was new to me in this particular piece, which was to find something in our conversation that I could do for them as a follow up. And it doesn't have to be business related, there was one guy I was talking to. And he didn't allow me to buy the beers or anything like that when we were talking. And so there's no way I could give him any of those kinds of sort of monetary things or whatever. But he mentioned that, you know, "I'm kind of new to the area. And I really like hiking." And so I knew a couple of areas that were great hikes, I've seen other folks that are, you know, got young kids or families and things like that on these hikes, having a good time and said, hey, you know, at least I can follow up with that as a way to say more than just thanks for your time. So I said, "Hey, this great hike we talked about, here's the reasons that I think it was great, you know, I had some fun with my folks on one like this. And here are the links to the websites talking about the trail heads and things like that." you know, he said, thanks for that. And it was great, we got to kind of talk about hiking a little bit more after that by email. But at the same time, it was making sure that I was doing my best to feel like I had given something that really pushed me to think about, well, if I can't give something from a career, or a sort of job focus perspective, there are other things that you can do for folks, even if it's recommending, like a good YouTube video, like, it shows that you care. It's very natural, it's fun. I mean, folks do this with their friends all the time, hey, you gotta check this thing out. So I found some great SciShow videos that talked about, you know, avocados, and sent those to folks, of course, it wasn't just randomly, like we had actually talked about, you know, all my kids are interested in science, and they're, you know, nine and 10. And they, you know, are all about blah, blah, blah, I was like, "Hey, well, have you seen this" or, you know, other folks like that, again, had interest that we had talked about even tangentially that I could send a follow up on as a way to, again, give value. And I know that we talked about giving value all the time, I want folks to think about how that that is a shorthand for really, either being a friend or being a person who cares about what was talked about, and following up with something that let's the other person you were talking to know that your conversation mattered to you, you know, the conversation that you had was meaningful and impactful. And I remembered some details from it, and I'm acting on those details later. And that made this a very interesting career transition for me, Scott, because it wasn't just about finding a job, it was about finding my place in a community, and being able to show folks that I wasn't there, just to find something I was literally, oh I'm sorry, legitimately, I should say, interested in our conversation beyond the Mike needs a place to land in Seattle eventually. And that's really paid off, well, because I've been able to keep folks who I've gotten to know, even if I'm not working with them, like we've been signed up to go, you know, grab lunch sometime in the next couple of weeks, or, you know, we're gonna get together for something fun later on, or grab some beers or whatever. And that's really kind of neat, because I'm getting to know these folks, not just professionals, but as people who are interested in hiking, or grilling, or video games, or whatever else they're interested in, like, there's so much more to what we do than our labor and our work. And those are always very important parts of our day, and our week and all that, but at the same time, that's only one dimension of people and to be able to recognize that, you know, there are ways that you can help people either in their career or what problems they're working on, in these conversations but it can be something more fun and personal, like, you know, "hey, we talked about your kids being into this branch of science, or here's this one video I found, let me know what you think." And you know, it's those kinds of things that make this less about finding work and finding a thing to do for money and more about creating a career that you like, finding people that you can connect with, and being able to feel like you've given at least as much as you've received in these sorts of things.

Scott Anthony Barlow 26:47

Yeah, well, here's what's really interesting about what you just said, and also how you've gone about this is, so many of us are interested in having those things in our community of people that we actually get along with and like and, you know, in some cases, a boss that supports us and that we connect with and you know, have a good fit with the company and all of these other pieces, and yet we go looking for a job. So when we make a job change, we go and look for a job and then we find a job, miracly, because we go find what it is that we aim ourself towards in nearly every case. So then we're surprised somehow when it's just a job or it doesn't have all of these other things versus I would advocate that what you did is wholeheartedly different, because you went looking for some of the things that were most important to you and acted as those things were actually important and started with those things, rather than going in searching for a job. And ironically, you got way better, not ironically, not coincidentally, at all, you got way better results, than nearly everybody else. I forget the stats, but it's really, really low percentage of people that will get multiple job offers at the same time. Let alone, I do know the stats for people that will actually end up in a role that they actually enjoy in our content when satisfied with and experience continuous levels of satisfaction that is very low, and depending on which study you look at, it's someplace between about 30% on the high end, all the way down to about 12% on the low end.

Mike Bigelow 28:25

Wow, that's a very surprising statistics right there.

Scott Anthony Barlow 28:27

It's horrible.

Mike Bigelow 28:28

Yeah, that's pretty rough. At the same time, I feel though, that I personally have had very good supervisors and bosses throughout my career. And I honestly wouldn't be where I am today without a lot of their guidance and their tutelage, if you will. And I'm really excited for the folks that I'm joining as well, because though, like you talked about finding kind of a fit in a community, I really do feel like I'm joining a great community of folks that are doing good work in ways that I think are going to make an impact that we're going to be satisfied with at the end of the day. And that's been a wonderful thing. The flip side of that is that you've pointed out that, you know, you have to go about maybe doing the search and maybe a broader with a bit of a broader focus, it did take a little bit more effort. And in terms of like, you know, it was a little scary to be kind of vulnerable and saying like, I kind of like this video, and it's sort of, it's a scientific show, it's kind of fun and goofy, you know, to a business contact, you know, like we did projects that were worth multi millions of dollars. And you know, I'm just okay, "your kids might like this, what do you think?" That was sort of a scary and vulnerable point for me, but and I'm just thinking back across all the different conversations I've had over the last 11 years[29:39] [f]or so my career, I can think of maybe two or three that were negative, and the rest of all have been positive. And so it's one of those things that it is scary. And it does make you feel a little vulnerable to go outside of that standard script that we think that folks want to kind of talk about. But there's a lot out there. And even if it's just somebody saying, "Hey, that was cool, thanks." And nothing else ever comes of that conversation. It was important for me to feel like that I wasn't talking just about the work or the job, or the recommendation or the advice or the whatever. And that for me, made the process something that I could devote more energy too, because it gave more energy back to me. Does that make sense?

Scott Anthony Barlow 30:21

Yeah, it completely makes sense. And if we want to, well, you've got an engineering background and engineering discipline and everything like that. So if we want to take this fairly fuzzy and somewhat scary and semi emotional thing that is putting yourself out there to some degree, and turn it into something that is much more logical, if we just look at the logical side and say, "well, hey, we want to hire other people, or we want to work with other people that we like" right? Which means we want to work with other people that we get along with, which means that we want to work with other people that we share something in common or have some way where we are like them. And that's where those types of connections and beginnings of relationships. And that's where it becomes really logical when you trace those things all the way through. It's like, oh, yeah, of course, that's the person who ends up getting hired. Why wouldn't it be? We don't want to hire the person that's robotic. They look good on paper, and they come in, and they may say all the right things per se that, you ask hiring managers about this, that don't necessarily have lots and lots of interview experience. And they'll say things like, "well, it just feels like there's something off about this one." When I sat in the roundtable afterwards, and we discussed candidates, and that's what comes out of hiring managers mouth. Well, you know, they've got all the experience, and it seems like everything's good here. But I really like Johnny, you know, I think Johnny could do the job, or in this case, you know, I think Mike could probably do this with us, I just really liked that guy.

Mike Bigelow 31:53

Well, you're right. And it's one of those things that the likability and the connection certainly do help. But it's one of those things that I really do feel it's both who you know, and how you're connected to them, as well as what you know, it's got to be a combination of those two things, at least in the field that I'm in, because, and I say that mostly because of limited of my experience. I don't know how other fields kind of break down in terms of that. I do know that those good connections would have gotten me opportunities, they did give me opportunities to talk to folks that I might not have had a chance to talk to otherwise, at the same time, the position I did end up accepting was excited about the whole of my experience and what I could bring to the table in terms of what you can do and I have a feeling that most folks who are listening to your podcast and they're reading your blog, then they know how to do the thing. And it's just getting everyone else to kind of understand that there's, you know, a really cool person there. And that's something that takes practice, but is so rewarding at the end. And keep in mind, we're talking in sort of the afterglow of success here, Scott, like, I want to remind folks that I am where I am, because of a lot of hard work. If we go back to our earlier conversation, like the first time I hired a career coach back in 2008, that was four months[33:08][g] of me doing job search stuff, eight hours a day, every day, I took weekends off, but like, that was my full time job was finding some work in 2008. So my point is that there's maybe a tendency for folks because I know I've fallen into this same thing where it's just like, you hear somebody who's done all this, wow, like, that's so great. Like, oh, man, I don't know if I could do that. It's just everyone is got time, and the ability to do good work, and hard work. And I know that the choices that I've made to put in that effort, and the opportunities I've had to put in that effort, which were mostly in my control, but sometimes they weren't, sometimes I simply just got lucky that I talked to somebody at the right time, or had a conversation go one way rather than another. And those things are important to kind of keep in mind as we're talking about all this. It's not just like, oh, this guy like did all these cool things, and now has extra free time to invest a little bit of extra time and talking to people, you know, like the flip side of this is that during this last transition up to Seattle, Scott, when I was working with Lisa, not only was that help just what I needed at the time to kind of take myself from where I know I could go to where I ended up getting. But I gave myself permission to make time in other areas of my day, that time that it took me to find a new position in Seattle, like I said, I'm normally responsible for dinner, if I'm just eating by myself, it's okay for me to get takeout, and it's okay for me to eat something that's frozen. Like I just carte blanche gave myself permission to do that, like I didn't say, you don't have to exercise anymore, I was still up, you know, up on my exercise routine, I still tracked what I was eating and things like that. But I just gave myself permission not to necessarily have to prepare my own food. And that saved me a bit of time or a little mental bandwidth, in order to devote more time to this kind of thing. You know, I also knew that I was going to be most productive on this kind of a thing, about seven o'clock to about nine o'clock at night. So I didn't force myself to do anything. When I got home from my day job, I would give myself permission to watch, you know, a half an hour of Netflix while I ate dinner, or whatever. And then I wouldn't watch any more Netflix, I knew what kind of worked for me, and I gave myself permission to have a little bit of free time in some areas. But I also kept, you know, making sure that essentially four days a week, I was working at least an hour a day on this devote my Sunday afternoons typically it's kind of planning my week and initial emails prep and written or researched. And I devoted time on my calendar that I blocked it out, because that's what worked for me. Other folks have used, you know, checklists or habit apps or whatever, and those you know, whatever works for you just do it, just find that system that allows you to kind of track this progress, know that it's going to take a bit of effort. And there are going to be times when you've just feel kind of stupid, or at least I felt pretty tough, for whatever reason, like there's something didn't go the way I wanted or somebody cancelled on me at the last minute or they you know, for whatever reason, like we weren't able to make a clone call or something, I kind of feel bad, like I didn't give them enough heads up, I didn't send a reminder in time or they had something come up. And you know, maybe they're just blowing me off or whatever, like kind of keeping focused on sort of the next step like, well, if they're blowing me off on this next one, and it's not going to be a big deal, I've got four other people I can talk to, and I'll focus on setting up, you know, another conversation with the person I didn't connect with today. And then I'm going to let that be, that's going to be when it's going to be and we'll move on to talking to these other folks and kind of sending those emails and doing that research about what they may be struggling with or talking to their companies about. So I don't know, I felt like I just kind of went on a bit of a deep dive because that kind of makes sense in the context of what we're talking about.

Scott Anthony Barlow 36:48

Yeah, let me pull out a couple of things that I think are really, really powerful out of that. First of all, let me reach way back and say that, the method that we were talking about where you're giving value first, and you're looking for those opportunities to give value and even have shifted the mindset and you're having conversations without the intent to immediately get a job, give me a job now, which is by the way, like asking for marriage on the first date. So just don't do that ever again ever. But what you did we often call that the 'test drive method' here and something else that I don't think we said that I think was very, very valuable and you kind of alluded to it was the fact that hey, look, people have to believe that you can do the job. I think one of the other values that people often miss when you're going in and getting to have these types of conversations in the level that you did and build relationships which in some cases, evolve into continuous conversations, then you get the ability to demonstrate in front of them in a totally different capacity than you would if you're coming through a, I don't know, an application or something else, you get the ability to demonstrate in front of them and interact with them while you're demonstrating your ability to do the thing. And that's completely different, like other people don't get that opportunity, if you go about it the traditional way. Or if you're asking for marriage on the first day, as we said.

Mike Bigelow 38:12

Agreed. Part of my experience that's maybe related to but slightly different than what you talked about there is I feel that in an interview situation, you have a very limited amount of time to show people what you really bring to the table. And you can be very well prepared for this with great stories, anecdotes about how your experience matches to their needs, and you can solve what they're talking about. But at the same time, if you've had a chance to talk to somebody who might be your future coworker, or your future supervisor or boss in a more informal setting, and you've had time to, in a more conversational way, you show them that you've got a lot of these stories, and you're interesting and interested and all that. But you can also kind of figure out sort of what they're really top concerns are. And if you're fortunate enough to be introduced to some other folks in the organization and get to see a broader perspective, you're absolutely right, Scott, in saying that it's a very different game to have those informal conversations with people beforehand. Because as you're going through the formal process, you have much greater amounts of insight into the particular issues that that team is facing, what experience you have can match that and how they want to kind of hear about those pieces. It doesn't have to be something like, you know, I do realize that I'm coming at this with pretty solid set of projects under my belt and jobs and things like that. If you don't have that level of experience, still being able to tell those stories, even if it's something that started maybe sounds silly in your head, like, well, I did this one thing in college or I was a camp counselor that did you know, this thing, if you can kind of connect what you did, even in those situations that don't seem all that high stakes, and they don't have seven figures of project or budget, writing on it, just being able to talk about those things really allows folks to kind of see that you're thinking through the sorts of questions that they're asking, and that you're able to, again, paint that picture of yourself, had those other experiences and that better conversation. And that can put somebody who is more prepared and more engaged ahead of somebody with more experience, who might look better on paper. So I feel that your points are very well taken here, Scott, in terms of these informal conversations do allow you to play the game a lot differently.

Scott Anthony Barlow 40:34

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And the other thing I don't want to get lost that you had mentioned as well, and I think we talked about this on a few different episodes. For example, most recent one, I believe, was our episode on making sure that you have the energy and the ability to make the change. But also, I would put this in the category of what I heard you doing was making this much easier on yourself in a variety of different ways, some of the mental energy it might take by allowing yourself to pre make the decision of, look, on Wednesday nights, I'm going to eat this thing in this way. And it's just not a big deal. And, you know, we're done with it. And I don't have to think about it anymore. And then the other side of it too, and I think we talked about this in Episode 128 with Eric, who was another coaching client, past coaching client, actually, ironically, also an engineer. And we worked with him quite a bit on, hey, how do we make this a much easier situation? How do we... have you take action on some of this stuff where you're at your best? And just naturally, you know, at some of your best energy levels, how do we leverage the time that is already in your day where it's going to be easier to be able to make some of these things happen versus more difficult? How do we set the chessboard up, so it's very easy to get the checkmate versus having to bring the Queen from all the way here to all the way over there. Why not just make it easier? And I think you did a particularly good job of that. So kudos to you first of all.

Mike Bigelow 42:03

Thank you.

Scott Anthony Barlow 42:04

Yeah. And consequently, it sounds like, you know, this transition was much easier in some respects, than the 2008 transition, just in terms of sheer time almost, that it takes. If I'm doing the math, right.

Mike Bigelow 42:16

Yeah, I mean, this one was about two months versus four months back in 2008[42:18][h]. Obviously, slightly different circumstances. But at the same time, your point is well taken that, at that point in my career, I was very focused on just the fundamentals of how to talk to people better in a professional capacity. And that worked out fairly well. At the same time, you know, I got myself to the point through that, that I was like, you know, I did okay, but there are other things that I could do better. And that's what I really felt like I was able to grow into this time is doing that second half of it better. And of course, you know, that's part of the reason why I feel that coaching is a very valuable thing is that, you know, if you just take a look at my own career, my own success, it's been because I've had people able to kind of show me better ways to do things, or to challenge me to do more than I have been. Because sometimes you can stretch yourself, and sometimes, you need a team of people to kind of stretch you beyond your best. And that's something that I think the biggest value for me from coaching is that you have somebody in your corner, who is looking out for your best interest. And if they're doing their job, as well, as Lisa did hers, they're pushing you to be the best version of yourself, and to stretch and grow yourself consistently towards that best self.

Scott Anthony Barlow 43:32

Well, I'm certainly a huge fan of Lisa. And she kept me in the loop for your entire journey. So that was fun because I got to, for every person that we work with, I sort of get to live vicariously through them. And as we bring more and more coaches onto the team, then I get more and more of that. So that makes it a lot of fun for me. But as I mentioned already, I think you did particularly nice job just because you were looking, well, I mean, this wasn't your first time around. So I think we got to see advances even and I think that was one of the reasons I was interested in having you come on and talk about this. So one other question that I would ask you, Mike, before we go is, you know, if somebody is getting started, and somebody is on the other end of this, maybe we're back where you were in 2008, or they haven't made several of these transitions in this particular type of way, what would you advise them to do to get started using this type of what we call the test drive method, which is a variation of informational interviews or informational interviews themselves, or any other method that really requires being able to get out there and begin building relationships with people?

Mike Bigelow 44:42

That's a good and tough question, Scott, I would say, and this is something I've actually talked to some folks that have come to me in the last couple of weeks, say, "Hey, I see that you're doing this job transition thing, how do I do that?" I would say start making this as easy on yourself as you can. Because this finding a different job or starting a career or changing a career, those are all very difficult, energy intensive things that take a lot of your time, your emotional energy and mental bandwidth. It's a big undertaking. So start off by making it easy. Look at your friends who maybe are doing things, or know folks that you could potentially talk to and find at easy ask, you know, if one of, for instance, has a friend that maybe you met at a party or know of through, you know, kind of a friend of a friend thing, and they work in video games, and you were thinking, you know, "maybe I could do this video game thing, because I like programming, or I'm very good at sort of the drawing aspects of coming up with these assets. I love computer animation" or whatever it is that you might think about those kind of things. But you need, I mean, it's a hard industry to get into, ask your friends saying, "hey, I've been really excited about XYZ parts of the video game industry. I know that your friend, you know, works for whatever company that's doing cool stuff. I'm hoping to ask them just to kind of a couple of questions about their experience in getting into the industry. Do you think would you be willing to introduce us? I'll just send him an email with three questions, and if they're too busy, it's totally fine." Something along those lines is the way to get started. The reason I say that is because A; your friend wants to help you out, they know that you're excited about video games, in this case, and their friend maybe works for a company that could help you guys figure that out. You've given a way to start the conversation saying that you're excited about this portion of it, or you've done something like this. And you want to know more about how their story looked, again, you're focused on not what you want, but what their story is, which is, again, easier to talk about if you're a person who is in the industry and somebody who's like a beginner, or trying to make the transition is coming to you. It's easier to kind of talk about your story than it is maybe give specific advice because it also got to think about it from their perspective, like be in a position where they have more knowledge than you, where they have more authority or experience or what have you. But at the same time, it's almost like getting put on the spot be like, what do I do to get in? That's a hard question to answer because there are a lot of complexities and experts or people with you know, a lot of experience can understand that that's a tough thing to nail down well. So make it easy on them to say 'yes' by you know, saying well, "I just want to know a bit about their story about how they got in, maybe ask them a couple of questions about the industry." Because then it's not about, you know, what do I do, it's about what's out there with the problems that are being faced. So you're taking a lot of load off the person you eventually want to talk to and your friend who's gonna be making these introductions. So at the end of all this, you've made it very easy for people to say yes, because they're not committing too much in terms of the length of conversation or the gravity of the conversation. There's not a lot of expectations in terms of like, well, you know, I'll need to find a way to get this person in interview or anything like that, there's none of that, you're just trying to find out what their story is, what issues or challenges are in the industry that they're facing right now. And from there, you'll be able to get a lot more information about how your background could potentially fit those sorts of things, or to, you know, attack the problem in a different way. And this can give you great insights, not only for eventually maybe making that transition, but they're going to allow you to have more in depth conversations as things progress. A great example is that, you know, somebody I know, went ahead and did this, and when they had that conversation, they're prepared a little bit to ask good questions. It wasn't that sort of, oh, I need to find some buddies, you know, interview or next step or give them advice that's going to change their life or anything. They were just talking about, "how did you get in here? What was cool about it? What do you like? And what are some of the problems you're facing?" That led to a couple of introductions to other folks. And now, those introductions are going to be the ones where you have a lot more information from your first couple of conversations. Now, you can have much higher level conversations with those next groups of people. I kind of got a little detailed there. I apologize, Scott, you were asking a more general, right?

Scott Anthony Barlow 49:15

No, that's perfect. I think that helps people understand, one, how to get started, and two, what this can take. The less we're looking at this as a, I go and I talked to the person and then I get the job. The more that we're looking at this as a long term game, how do I actually build relationships? Or how do I set myself up to be able to add value or set myself up to be able to meet more people or set myself up to any number of other things, then I think that ends up getting, over the long term, better results, even though it feels to many people counter intuitively, like a longer way around.

Mike Bigelow 49:54

It's true, it can feel like a longer way around. But at the end of the day, we want, at least for me, one of the things that I felt was really motivating. And what I've loved seeing in folks who are just starting out who also are very, it's obvious, they want to make, you know, a career change to like the green engineering field or whatever. Like the fact that they've come and they've brought enthusiasm, they've brought decent questions that they've either researched, and at least they've talked to other folks about, those kind of conversations are just amazing to have as somebody who's in an industry that folks have wanted to get into. So I felt great about those conversations, because I've been able to, you know, kind of feel pretty cool about knowing stuff. And be know that the person I'm talking to is acting on that information. It's not just we didn't just have a good conversation. And you know, that was it, like they're taking it seriously. And they're acting on finding solutions or they're part of the solution to some of these issues that we talked about. So I guess, you know, kind of sum up, folks who are at the start, or might not necessarily have a lot of connections, or they don't feel like they can bring a lot to the table, realize that being a person who will listen and act is value in itself. And when you're serious about trying to take these difficult questions that you might wrestle with, in terms of like technical problems and things like that, because there was actually a time that I was talking to one group of engineers, and they threw a modeling problem at me that I had no idea, like, I had not seen this in my research. And I had just, I had dropped the ball and trying to figure this thing out. You know, but I was honest with them, I said, "You know what, I don't have a good solution for you on that one. But here's kind of what about that. Here's how I might approach and okay, that's fine." And we kind of let it go. And we talked about other things. Well, I went back and found out exactly how to do what they had asked me to do, not just the general solution that I kind of threw my hands and was like, maybe this and I was like, "Okay, here's how I was right. Here's how the general solution that I outlined can fail. So here's what you have to do to correct it." And I sent him a one page synopsis of the full solution afterwards. And that really changed the tone of the conversation. There's like, okay, Mike is serious, and he's taking this whole conversation to the next level. So the point of that is that if you don't know, that's okay. The problem isn't you don't know. The problem is if you find out that you don't know about something that's important to the industry that you want to get into, and you don't try and follow up with that, that's the problem. You got to use that sort of beginner's state to your advantage by being able to be sort out there and saying, "Look, this is kind of what I found so far" you know, and people might be able to give you a little bit more insight into what you're missing out. But to have somebody kind of fill in that gap after you talk to them and come back to you, like I said, I've been on both sides of that. And that has been just one of the really cool things about talking about either engineering or any sort of position is finding other folks that are excited enough to kind of try and figure out how these things are going to look differently or to find those solutions to actively fill in that knowledge gap. And even if you're at a more beginner level, or earlier on in your career, like that's what separates folks who are there and are going to grow from folks who are there and are maybe going to eventually get promoted, like enthusiasm. And this sort of self starter drive counts for a lot. And it doesn't have to be something like, you know, you do it the day of I mean, I was a bit extreme in that. It's something that if you know, you get back to folks in a week or two, with a good solution like that, people remember that. So I would say if you're in an early stage, or you feel like a beginner and you don't have a lot to contribute, being a person who's willing to ask questions, you've researched a bit, and to follow up on the answers is going to be the way to really, hey, learn a lot and be set yourself apart, as somebody who's taking what these folks say seriously.

Scott Anthony Barlow 54:03

Hey, many of the stories that you've heard on the podcast are from listeners that have decided they wanted to take action, and taking the first step of having a conversation with our team to try and figure out how we can help. And if you want to implement what you have heard, and you want to completely change your life and your career, then let's figure out how we can help. So here's what I would suggest. Just open your phone right now and open your email app. And I'm gonna give you my personal email address, scott@happentoyourcareer.com just email me and put 'Conversation' in the subject line. And then when you do that, I'll introduce you to the right person on our team, and you can have a conversation with us. We'll try and understand your goals and what you want to accomplish in your career no matter where you're at, and we can figure out the very best way that we can help you and your situation. So open up right now and send me an email with 'Conversation' in the subject line, scott@happentoyourcareer.com.

Scott Anthony Barlow 55:12

I'll share with you what we have coming up on Monday[55:14][i]. This is a conversation that I've been looking forward to since, well, before it was actually on the schedule, I'd say years before it was on the schedule. Because it's someone who I have a ton of respect for, it is also someone who has, in many ways, had a hand in changing my life, only he didn't know it.

Tom Rath 55:34

The more time we have the opportunity to allocate to efforts like that that can grow in our absence in a given day, it also makes days easier and smoother and less stressful, because it takes some of the pressure off of days where you're just responding everything flying at you and maybe looking inward a little too much.

Scott Anthony Barlow 55:53

That's Tom Rath. Who's Tom Rath? Well, he's the author of the book strengthsfinder 2.0. He has also written another book called "Life's Great Question". We'll be talking about how you contribute to the world in much more detail right here next week[56:08] [j]on Happen To Your Career. We'll see you then, until then, I am out. Adios.

[a]@joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[b]@joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[c]@joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[d]@joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[e]@joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[f]@joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[g]@joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[h]@joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[i]@joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

[j]@joshua@happentoyourcareer.com

_Assigned to Joshua Rivers_

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